Space Ice

Steven Seagal's movie Ticker is almost as bad as his actual ticker, which is really saying something. Heart health is no joke, but his movies HAVE TO BE. At least that's what I tell myself, because I've seen more Seagal movies than anyone ever should and I'm a broken shell of what used to be a person. #seagal #badmovie #why

Nicolas Cage's movie Con Air will give you back what Steven Seagal stole from you. Your innocence, your happiness, and all that other stuff people like. Nicolas is Steven Seagal's exact opposite. I'm not saying Nicolas Cage can't do any wrong, but I am saying he HASN'T done anything wrong, EVER. He also does spin kicks and created the Alabama accent that scientists agree is the one and only true Alabama accent. #nicolascage #bestmovie #satirecomedy

Road House, the 2024 very necessary remake of the 1989 way of life, did the impossible and made a movie where Conor McGregor was somehow "Ok, I guess?". By comparison, obviously, he's still awful. Oh yeah, they also replaced the Sam Elliott character with a 15 year old girl because good things aren't allowed to exist anymore.

Look, I know it. You know. Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze knows it. You're an absolute mess. There's nothing redeemable about you. The only thing you have, is hope. Hope in the form of the 1989 movie Roadhouse that forever changed the world and is the only thing giving your sorry existence a chance. If you haven't seen it, then what's wrong with you? If you have seen it, then you know what's up and I have no beef with you. #actionmovie #roadhouse #bestmovie

I'm not saying Steven Seagal's movie The Glimmer Man is a pyramid scheme, because those only take your money. Seagal's The Glimmer Man takes your money, your dignity, your soul, and any chance of another human being ever looking at you with anything other than disgust. If you've seen this movie, you're an awful person and you should be ashamed. #stevenseagal #worstmovie #badpeople

Resident Evil Afterlife is somehow the 4th movie in this terrible franchise and of course it made money because everything in the world has to go wrong like every single time. Some things happen, but they're all really stupid and I'm sure the next movie will pretend like they didn't so it can replace it with something stupider and round and round we go. #residentevil #badmovies #actionmovies

The 5th Fast And The Furious movie, Fast 5, doesn't make a lot of sense which is one of its biggest strengths. Nobody cares about plots, feelings, dialogue, or any of that nonsense. We want fast cars, crazy stunts, and to give science a big middle finger because you're not welcome here. #actionmovies #fast5 #bestmovies

While people have been known to go wrong with Sylvester Stallone movies (Rocky 5???), the same can't be said for Kurt Russell. He gave us Captain Ron for goodness sake, and one of the top non-Thailand characters in history: Henry Swanson. HE IS A SAINT. Nothing against Stallone, he's good about 3/5 times which ain't bad.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Conan The Barbarian taught us many things. Like being big and strong is way more important than being a stupid nerd. That's the only thing anyone needs to know, or you might be a nerd yourself and Arnold doesn't like that. Also, Darth Vader's the bad guy. #arnold #actionmovies #bestmovies

Steven Seagal's movie On Deadly Ground is a lot like Chernobyl, Deepwater Horizon, and Bubonic Plague only combined and a million times worse. Which is like all Steven Seagal movies, but this one's 10%-15% worse which is more than it sounds. #stevenseagal #worstmovies #badmovies

The Shaq movie 'Steel' proved to the world that flying and being able to lift buildings is nice and all, but if you can't tip over a police vehicle with your sound gun then you're wasting everyone's time. Thankfully, Shaq saved the superhero genre by kinda sorta playing a character that was never all that popular and most people didn't even realize was supposed to based on anything. Whatever, the MCU sucks now and this is actually watchable. #superheromovies #manofsteel #shaq

The new Neil Breen movie 'Cade the tortured crossing' can't help you out of this one. If you enjoy green screens, but aren't concerned with literally anything else, then I'm pretty sure you'll still hate this movie. How could he have done this? I can't believe he made this movie. I can not believe he made this movie. How could he have done this? How could he have made this movie?

Escape From New York is the Kurt Russell movie that showed New York and the rest of the world that things can get better. It's not going to be easy, but with enough grit, determination, and Kurt Russell, maybe someday New York can be as clean and as safe as the movie portrays. But I really doubt it. #kurtrussell #escapefromnewyork #actionmovies

Milla Jovovich's Resident Evil Extinction is the 3rd disappointing Resident Evil movie in a long line of disappointing Resident Evil movies. It sees Game Of Thrones as its inspiration on how to insult your audience, write everything as terribly as possible, and throw 6 seasons of beauty right into the trash can and piss people off for many years to come. #residentevil #actionmovies #worstmovies

Steven Seagal movie Fire Down Below is that annoying person you don't even like that much who always leaves the most vague status updates because they crave attention, but are the most boring and unimportant people and tricking well meaning people is the only way they can get any. You know what you're doing, KNOCK IT OFF, everybody hates you. Also, the guy from Tombstone and The Men Who Stare At Goats is in this and also some stupid blue alien things. #stevenseagal #badmovie #moviereview

It's clear that Tom Cruise and John Woo's mega blockbuster hit movie Mission Impossible 2 is more explosive than 100 Eyjafjallajökull's with 10,000 Tsar Bombas that'll shoot your operating thetan level to over 9000. Seriously, you got Tom Cruise in a John Woo movie making everything explode for dubious reasons while doing needless, yet very necessary, motorcycle tricks while doves fly around doing dove things. #missionimpossible2 #tomcruise #actionmovies

Attrition is the Steven Seagal movie that came out in 2018, but destroyed his career back in the '80s, before he was famous in the first place. That might sound stupid, but it's Steven Seagal and stupid is all he knows. Every line is a total mystery on what language it will be in, but that doesn't matter because it wouldn't make sense anyways. Also, a guy might be a vampire. Nothing's explained and nobody cares. #stevenseagal #moviereview #actionmovie

Steven Seagal vs Reese Witherspoon is the defining question of our time. One has been an inspiration to girls everywhere and proved that just because you're pretty, doesn't mean you can't be smart, too. The other is Reese Witherspoon, who turns into a salad sometimes. 0:00 Introduction 0:40 Rd 1 Better Pretend Cop 1:37 Rd 2 More Intimidating 2:25 Rd 3 The Better Runner 3:00 Rd 4 The Better Walker 3:45 Rd 5 Better With The Ladies 4:34 Rd 6 More Masculine 5:29 Rd 7 Survive The Zombie Apocalypse 6:28 Rd 8 The Better Talker 7:21 Rd 9 The Best Burn 8:24 Rd 10 The Better Father 9:21 Rd 11 Less Insulting Bull$#!+ 10:34 Rd 12 Best Emotional Range 11:28 Final Score And Winner Declared #versus #stevenseagal #whowouldwin

The movie Soldier with Kurt Russell is such an amazing achievement in pure awesome, that it has won every academy award in every category since its release in 1998. Sometimes, someone complains that the movie came out over 25 years ago and this doesn't make any sense or follow any of the academy's rules. Those people are all stupid for thinking the academy actually has integrity and are immediately executed. Also, please don't tell me that this is in the same universe as Bladerunner because nobody cares.

Congratulations, World, not that you had anything to do with it. Jean Claude Van Damme's movie Universal Soldier is officially the peak of all humanity, and also the universe as a whole. There's no possible way to top JCVD and Dolph Lundgren, unless you add a second Van Damme or maybe Nicolas Cage. I doubt the world could handle that, anyways, so this is what we have and it's AMAZING. #vandamme #jcvd #universalsoldier

The Arnold Schwarzenegger movie 'The 6th Day' is the greatest birthday cake heist movie involving Dunder Mifflin, 1960s Canadian Football Legend Norm Fieldgate, and that one guy from 'Apocalypse Now' that you'll see all week. You also have Arnold flying 2 helicopters AT THE SAME TIME, which he can really do. #arnoldschwarzenegger #actionmovies #moviereview

The movie Resident Evil Apocalypse is so awful it says "I told you so" EVEN WHEN YOU DIDN'T DISAGREE. You know that for a fact, because you never pay attention when it talks WHICH IS ALWAYS. Also, I think Milla Jovovich destroys churches with motorcycles and fist fights dinosaurs. #residentevil #worstmovies #actionmovies

The 3rd The Fast & The Furious Movie: Tokyo Drift is so good, you'll realize the only true way to discover love is to win that person in a no rules race to a very vague location. That's the way humans had done it for countless generations before us, who are we to argue with nature? Also, Vin Diesel shows up and drift races in a 1970 Plymouth Roadrunner because he's Vin Diesel and he doesn't listen to anybody. #fastandfurious #tokyodrift #bestmovies

The Steven Seagal movie (or what we're pretending is a movie) Attack Force is so incredibly terrible it almost did the impossible and made Steven "Treason" Seagal feel shame. Anyone who's been paying attention knows Seagal is incapable of shame or any emotions other than hungry and murdery so this is kind of a big deal. Not a big enough deal to ever watch one of Seagal's movies, for the love of God don't do that to yourself, but a big enough deal to make him by a wide margin instead by a very wide margin. That's progress #seagal #stevenseagal

Hard Ticket To Hawaii is the movie that finally brought together the peanut butter and jelly of awesomeness: rocket launchers, mutant snakes, and nunchuks. I think this movie has something to do with diamonds and the DEA, but none of that matters because they're not rocket launchers or nunchuks. I think I was going somewhere with this, but why would anyone even waste their time reading this when they could be watching ROCKET LAUNCHERS AND NUNCHUKS and, oh yeah, MUTANT SNAKES. #actionmovies #sobaditsgood #worstmovies