Sola Satura

WASHINGTON - San Francisco archbishop suggests Pelosi, Biden should be denied Communion. Both Pelosi and Biden have pushed expanded abortion access while claiming to be devout Catholics. "We like killing babies in the womb" said the two hypocrites to the press. solasatura.com

CHESAPEAKE BAY - Local officials are using cigarette sculptures to draw awareness to the issue that smoky butts pose to the environment. “It is well documented that butts are the most frequently littered item in the United States,” said ButtPatrol.com CEO Katie Arse. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - President Biden bans travel from India due to COVID-19 surge: Elizabeth Warren stuck in New Delhi. "The White House citing guidance from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta is racist and sexist against white female Indians" said Sen. Warren. solasatura.com

PYONGYANG - North Korea claims President Biden 'made a big blunder' in his speech to Congress this week by labeling the hermit kingdom a security threat. "It has created a very grave situation for United States Democrats" said Kim 'The Rocket Man' Jong-un. solasatura.com

SEATTLE - Mark of the Beast at Whole Foods with Amazon One as shoppers associate a credit card with their palm print. "No one will be able to buy or to sell except the one who has the mark either the name of the beast or the number of his name" said CEO Jeff Bezos. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - Misleading headline claims Biden’s 100 day approval rating is the lowest in American history. At 52%, it's the third lowest since World War II, relative to other presidents. Trump’s 42% approval rating at his 100 day mark was the lowest in history. solasatura.com

SALT LAKE CITY - Pierre Delecto aka Romney Mitt booed by Mormonites during the Utah state GOP convention. He addressed the Republicans at their annual meeting and was harassed for impeaching former President Trump twice. "I'm a hater but I'm not a traitor" said Romney. solasatura.com

TALLAHASSEE - A controversial new bill that would stop tech companies from de-platforming politicians has been approved by both houses in Florida's legislature. "The legislation allows platforms to suspend accounts but only for 14 days" said Governor Ron DeSantis. solasatura.com

SEARCHLIGHT - Former Nevada Senator Harry Reid thinks Lockheed Martin may have UFO fragments. “I was told for decades that Lockheed had some of these retrieved Unidentified Flying Object materials” said the looney Democrat from his small town near Las Vegas. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - Biden dismisses Trump approaches in charting his new North Korea policy. "The United States goal remains the same, complete denuclearization of the Korean Peninsula, so now is the right time we bring out our secret weapon, Hillary Kim" said the White House. solasatura.com

HOLLYWOOD - 'Game of Thrones' actress sues Marilyn Manson for sexual assault. Esme Bianco claims in her suit that she was drugged, tortured, and raped by the musician throughout the course of their relationship. "Manson looks and acts like a super-freak" said Bianco. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - Biden administration to return billions in border wall funding Trump diverted from homosexuals. "Wall construction under the previous administration tied up more than $14 billion in taxpayer cash and diverted money away from gay weddings" the official said. solasatura.com

MIAMI - Florida nurse inadvertently broadcasted herself giving a patient a butt injection while waiting for her virtual court hearing. "Before COVID-19, the courthouse was the most absurd theater in this town. Nothing has changed in the Zoom age" said a local reporter. solasatura.com

DETROIT - Michigan woman glues eye shut after mistaking nail glue for eye drops. "I was like, oh my goodness, and it dropped in my eye and I tried to wipe it away and it sealed my eye shut. And, uh, I was just screaming call 911, call 911" Yacedrah Williams said. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - Biden to ban menthol cigarettes because black people promote white supremacy by smoking them. "Menthol is used in communities of color with about 85% of black and 47% of brown smokers using menthol but only 29% of white smokers do" said smoker Joe Camel. solasatura.com

LONDON - Boris Johnson provokes fury storm over alleged ‘let bodies pile high’ COVID-19 comments. “No more f--king lockdowns, let the bodies pile high in their thousands” said the Prime Minister frustrated over having to impose a second round of local restrictions. solasatura.com

DETROIT - Twitards attack the Motor City Madman: Ted Nugent. "Millennial man buns launched a liberal hate speech assault after I announced I had COVID-19" said Ted. "Some people think they're gonna die someday, I got news, you never gotta go' Stranglehold Nugent said. solasatura.com

DETROIT - Anti-vaxxer Ted Nugent: Satanic haters trolled me during COVID battle. “We pray for the satanic haters who celebrated our suffering” claiming he’d even received “emails that wished death to the Nugent Family” said Ted, 72, in a 10 minute Facebook video clip. solasatura.com

HOLLYWOOD - Donald Trump offers advice to woke Oscars. Fewer than 10 million​ people tuned in to the Sunday night broadcast of the Oscars, the smallest TV audience in its history. "Democratic hypocrites run the show now, bring in the Republican hypocrites" said Trump. solasatura.com

FRANKLIN - Tennessee CEO fired from job after harassing teenage boy who wore a red dress to prom. Sam Johnson, CEO of VisuWell in Nashville, a telemedicine company confronted the boy with homophobic banter. “Yo, homo, do you know you're wearing a dress" said Johnson. solasatura.com

HOUSTON - Elon Musk trolls Jeff Bezos as space race between world's richest men heats up. The two billionaires, trying to launch long-range orbital rockets, are competing to build a spaceship to deliver astronauts to the moon. "You can't get it up" said Musk to Bezos. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - Biden wears face mask outdoors to hail CDC guidelines that say you no longer need to. “Starting today, if you’re fully vaccinated and you’re outdoors, you no longer need to wear a mask” said Biden after walking to the podium in the black face covering. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - Biden mocked for masking up in world leader Zoom call. President Joe Biden played it safe and wore a mask during a 'Climate Change' video call with government leaders. "You can never be too safe when it comes to a computer virus" said Sleepy Joe. solasatura.com

MINNEAPOLIS - Mike Lindell launches 'Frank' since being booted from Twitter. MyPillow CEO says the new site is a platform with features that no other platform has. “The goal is to get voices out there and the new Frank site is nothing you have seen before” said Lindell. solasatura.com

AUSTIN - Elon Musk says bunch of people will probably die during Mars mission. “Honestly, a bunch of people will probably die in the beginning” Elon said. While insisting it will be “a really glorious adventure and it will be such an amazing experience” added Musk. solasatura.com