Sola Satura

YELLOW SPRINGS - Dave Chappelle on why he doesn’t use Twitter: Why would I write all my thoughts on a bathroom wall. "When I need to take a crap I use the restroom not a social media platform" said Chappelle late last night on The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon. solasatura.com

HOMOSASSA - Hummer bursts into flames just after driver filled up containers of gasoline: firefighters say. Gov. Ron DeSantis urged Floridians to avoid 'panic buying' of gasoline amid a shutdown of the Colonial Pipeline which carries fuel to the nation’s East Coast. solasatura.com

AUGUSTA - I’ve literally been on country clubs where guys are using range-finders to look at me from two fairways over: Paige Spiranac. Instagram influencer and former college golfer gets more than just stares. "I get lots of rich creepy comments" said Spiranac. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - House GOP expels Liz Cheney from leadership as she vows to continue fight against Trump. "Nation to conservative principles, to defeating socialism, to defending our republic, to making the GOP worthy again of being the party of Lincoln" Cheney said. solasatura.com

ATLANTA - Spa shootings suspect indicted in two counties: will face hate crime charges because he didn't get a 'happy ending' by Asian massage workers. Fulton DA will seek death penalty for Robert Aaron Long, 22, after running for office against capital punishment. solasatura.com

TAMPA - Dunkin' Donuts 77 year old customer who used racial slur dies after being punched by employee. Police said the victim parked his car and went inside the restaurant to argue with a 27 year old employee. "I knocked him out for using the N-word" said the employee. solasatura.com

LOS ANGELES - Baywatch Star 'Carmen Electra' keeps 100 pairs of stilettos in home wine closet. “Long ago I moved into the house and had to come up with something creative for the wine cellar. I don’t drink wine, so I decided to make it a shoe museum” said Electra. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - Jill Biden said Harris should 'go f--k herself' for 2020 CNN debate attack on Joe. “What he cares about, what he fights for, what he’s committed to, you get up there, and you call him a racist without basis? Go f–k yourself” said Jill Biden to supporters. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - President Biden says people able to work must take jobs or lose unemployment. “We don’t see evidence that extra unemployment insurance is a major driver in people not rejoining the workforce though they would make less money going back to work” said Biden. solasatura.com

ATLANTA - Stacey Abrams says she absolutely has ambitions of running for President and has a responsibility to be honest about it. "Do I hold it as an ambition? Absolutely and more importantly I have a desire to be the first black lesbian heavyweight champion" she said. solasatura.com

HELENA - Montana governor signs bill banning cross-dressing students from sports teams. “The lawmakers only care about what’s in my pants and not about all the stuff I can bring to the track team and the hard work dressing as a girl” said a high school cross-dresser. solasatura.com

LOS ANGELES - A significant milestone: California’s population drops for first time in recorded history. The decrease was 182,000 people. “The draw to California is weather but I don’t think the cost of living is worth the weather” said a former Californian today. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - Fox News made me do it: Capitol riot suspect pulls ‘Foxitis’ defense. The lawyer for Anthony Antonio, who faces five charges said "My client became hooked on right wing news and it caused him to storm the building" so we place the blame on Fox alone. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - Democrat Joe Biden says the federal unemployment supplement didn’t cause a poor jobs report for April. The socialist $300 weekly federal subsidy that runs through September 6th allows workers to make more money staying at home versus returning to work. solasatura.com

WASHINGTON - Roger Stone wants Americans to punch 'Fat' Steve Bannon for claiming Trump has Alzheimer's. "If you see this fat disheveled load of s--t I strongly recommend that you punch him in the mouth as hard as you possibly can, do it for America" said Stone. solasatura.com

NASHVILLE - Liberal Vice President and Internet inventor Al Gore has banned Trump from the World Wide Web. "I have just suspended Donald J. Trump from all websites including America Online, Yahoo! Geocities, MySpace, Google+, Friendster, and the popular Usenet" said Gore. solasatura.com

SAN FRANCISCO - Twitter suspends ‘From the Desk of Donald J. Trump’ account one day after it was created. "I think someone high-jacked my new one way blog on my website that lets people share my comments to Facebook and Twitter or click the love button" said Trump. solasatura.com

CHICAGO - Man bites off parts of couple’s ears, gouges eyes in ‘horror movie’ attack. Elijah Rule Hill Prince, 28, was arrested covered in blood, telling officers that it was the "blood of peasants" the Chicago Sun-Times reported, citing Cook County prosecutors. solasatura.com

ELKTON - Maryland woman accused of setting home on fire with person still inside and watching it burn from lawn chair. Gail Metwally was charged with attempted murder and multiple arson-related counts after witnesses alleged they saw her set a home on fire. solasatura.com

SEATTLE - When Bill Gates made a list of 'the pros and cons of getting married' to Melinda Gates on a whiteboard. "Bill wanted to be married to a woman but he didn’t know whether he could actually commit to it because he was married to his company" said Melinda Gates. solasatura.com

MENLO PARK - Freedom of speech is from the Constitution not 'Facebook's Oversight Board' RNC says of Trump ban. The Republican National Committee slammed Facebook as "an extension of the left’s woke mob" after the oversight board upheld a ban on former President Trump. solasatura.com

ST. PETERSBURG - Lap dance offers end with woman in handcuffs. Tipsy Floridian, 28, also asked officers to 'bang' on the sidewalk. "After leaving a bar, I was asking random men if they wanted a free lap dance, their girlfriends got jealous" said Olivia Taylor-Washek. solasatura.com

PLAINS - Are the Bidens giants? Have the Carters shrunk? “They aren’t tiny people but they are in the medium to small size among presidents and first ladies, the fact is that when you’re old, you shrink” the little Jonathan Alter told the liberal Washington Post today. solasatura.com

THE VILLAGES - Woman hurls Whopper and racial slurs: Florida retiree erupted over thickness of tomato on burger. “Shut up you black b---h” said 77 year old Judith Black. She also allegedly used the N-word after exiting the Burger King with her husband. solasatura.com

PORTLAND - I found God, became a Pastor, then lost my faith: Here’s what I believe. “After I’d deconstructed my whole belief system and I’d shown God the door, I was able to build my own god that looks and acts a lot like me” said Martina Luther to the Huffington Post. solasatura.com