SirKyleJordan

The Sons of Sparda battle yet again, in yet another epic battle of epicness for all time! Who shall finally prevail? Dante the Wacky Woohoo Pizza Man, or Vergil the Chad Coolbro? (aka "The Red Guy" and "The Blue Guy", respectively) Seeing as Vergil is OP AF and I'm playing as Dante and I'm not very good... well... this might take a couple tries... but we shall Never Surrender! Devils Never Cry! Jackpot! Misc. Devil May Cry catchphrases! Let's do this.

Reunion. Reclaimer. Revelation. Alpha and Omega. A Storm is approaching...

Last time on DEVIL MAY CRY 5... Urizen nom nom’d the magic demon fruit of the magic demon tree, the Qliphoth, and gained REAL ULTIMATE POWER beyond reckoning! But, the REAL ULTIMATE POWER of Dante’s new Sin Devil Trigger proved yet more real, ultimate, and powerful! The epic battle reached its end, with Dante smiting the Demon King with a mighty smite, bringing the Demon King to his knees. But... As the life ebbed from Urizen, V, 'The Mysterious One' (yes, they seriously call him that) approached, asking that Dante allow him to “end this battle with my own hands...” What could possibly go wrong? Thus, V prepared to stab Urizen with his magic pimp cane like he always does to defeat the weakened demons by, like, absorbing their soul... It was at that moment, Dante realized- he fscked up. Then everything exploded in a giant pillar of blue energy stuff and it caused quite a mess. As the dust cleared, where once stood man and demon, there now stood one... The Alpha and The Omega. The Based and The Redpilled. The Man, the Myth, the Legend. Vergil. .......... “Through vacant halls we won’t surrender, The truth revealed in eyes of ember, We fight through fire and ice forever, Two souls, once lost- now he remembers... I am the Storm that is approaching, Provoking, Black clouds in isolation, I am reclaimer of my name, Born in flames, I have been blessed, My family crest is a demon of death! Forsaken, I am Awakened, A phoenix ash in dark divine, Descent in misery, Destiny chasing time, Disappear into the night, Lost Shadows left behind...” - "Bury the Light", Casey Edwards (DMC5 OST, Vergil's Theme)

Devil May Cry is weird. I love it, but it’s weird. And complicated. The ridiculous unnecessary Inception meets Tarantino back and forth timeskips and flashbacks within flashbacks thing doesn’t really help. This is a problem. Or, it *was* a problem, as I have destroyed it- with SOLUTIONS. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... DEVIL MAY CRY 5: THE ABRIDGED AND SLIGHTLY BETTER EDITION. “Kyle, just what is so ‘abridged’ and ‘slightly better’ about this edition?” I’m glad you asked. It’s ‘abridged’ because it’s shorter. That’s what abridged means. True story. It’s ‘slightly better’ because I painstakingly rearranged some of the scenes so that it forms a more coherent, chronological narrative instead of zigzagging back and forth constantly. Plus a few minor tweaks where it just made sense. My goal was to make a simplified sort of “Previously on Devil May Cry..”/“Story Recap” that skipped as much ancillary filler stuff as possible while still covering all the key plot points and maintaining a decent narrative ‘flow’ (ie not an endless series of abrupt jump cuts every 5 seconds). Ideally, someone with no knowledge of DMC could watch it and have a basic idea of wtf is going on if they happened to see one of my DMC livestreams (eg “what’s the deal with this big blue energy explosion thing and the ceiling exploding and why won’t Kyle shutup about being “motivated” and being a total fan girl?”- DMC guys, you know what I’m talking about...). OR maybe if someone was playing DMC5 and took a break and wanted a quick reminder of what’s happened so far. All things considered, I think it turned out kind of decent. Mind you, I am *not* a fancy professional internet famous YouTube person, and I don’t want to be. I’m just this guy, you know? Most of my ‘videos’ are just raw livestream archives. On the rare occasion that I do any sort of “editing”, it’s something along the lines of “cutting out the solid hour of dead air at the beginning of the video”. Also, this entire video was made only using my PS4 by going to the DMC cutscene gallery, manually recording each individidual scene (there’s at least 4-5 per mission- this covers from the prologue to mission 12), then using PS4 Sharefactory- which is like MS Paint, but worse. So yeah. It was a bit of an ordeal. But I made it happen, Cap’n. Because I never go back on promise- that’s my ninja way. Believe it! So there’s that. It might not be perfect. It might not be particularly good. It might not be a little good. But it’s decent. And on that note. Let’s do this.

Previously, on DEVIL MAY CRY 5... Dante returned, now in his REAL ULTIMATE POWER FINAL FORM, to the big gooey demon “tree” thing where Nero was getting his dumb face stomped by Urizen the Demon King (again), and rescued him (again), and faced off in an EPIC BATTLE against Urizen the Demon King (again)! But this time, with the power of his REAL ULTIMATE POWER, Dante prevailed over the Demon King! OR DID HE? Just as victory seemed assured, everything started exploding and ish got crazy and Urizen the Demon King was like “Mwahahahahaaaa foolishness, Dante! Foolishness! This was all part of my plan or something and it doesn’t really even matter because now the big gooey demon ‘tree’ is gonna explode or something I don’t know, whatever- kbye.” So he left. Rude. And Dante and Nero and V were like “Welp, can’t have that... let’s do this!” Thus, the warriors departed further into the deepest depths of the big gooey demon tree to the root (get it? ‘Root’? Because... tree..)- to the ultimate ROOT of the evil, where waits Urizen the Demon King, on the verge of attaining his own REAL ULTIMATE POWER! Oh snap... So the Three Warriors started their epic journey, but then whoaaaaaa stuff started exploding again for some reason, separating them! Now, they must each individually attempt to make their way to the very core/root/heart/whatever of the gooey demon tree and confront Urizen the Demon King (again)! You might call it a... "DIVERGING POINT". The developers did. It's the name of the mission. Because that's what it is. Clever. LAST TIME... For literally the first time in the history of history, Nero actually did something useful! What had happened was, V derped up and got in a bit of confrontation with this thing called Malphas, which is like a freaky 3 headed demon lady chicken ostrich monster, because Devil May Cry is weird, and just as it began to approach V and presumably prepare to do unpleasant things to him, she was distracted by some random dude shooting her in the back of the head. It was Nero! Just in the nick of time (completely by accident, of course, but still), he showed up and killed the giant 3 headed demon ostrich monster, rescuing V from a very unfortunate end. Who would've guessed? No one. Literally no one. Alas, V's body continues to break down and grow ever weaker. The poor boy can barely hold himself together. But he is determined to see this through- he will stop at nothing to see the end of Demon King Urizen's reign with his own eyes- even if doing so means the end of V himself. As his "last request", he begs Nero to help him make it to the root of the demon tree, where waits Urizen the Demon King. Shockingly enough, Nero agrees, and they have a total bro moment as they limp their way toward the epic finale. But will they make it? They're running out of time... MEANWHILE... Dante, the Legendary Devil Hunter, is already far ahead of them, intent on settling the matter with Demon King Urizen once and for all. He quickly approaches the final gateway leading to the core/heart/root/whatever of the demon tree, hoping to stop The Demon King before he can nom nom on the magic demon fruit, which is totally a thing, because of course it is- which will grant him his own REAL ULTIMATE POWER, rendering him all but unstoppable. Unbeknownst to Dante, one obstacle remains between him and his goal. For, you see, these gates to the underworld are not unguarded. Quite the opposite- they are *very* guarded. Like... *very*... A beast the likes of which none can possibly imagine awaits him. A monstrous monstrosity monster straight out of monstrous myth- SO monstrously monstrous, you just can't even begin to think of what it could be. Seriously, you will never even guess... It's a Cerberus. It's in the title... and there's a picture... so... yeah... But not just any Cerberus! This is the KING CERBERUS! Honestly, I kind of pictured the Cerberus Society as more of a Parliamentary thing. Nope. Turns out they're a monarchy. Not sure if it's a Constitutional Monarchy, or like... Point being: Cerberuseses done got themselves a King. And this is him. He is a very large, very scary, very 3 headed, very gonna eat you, very into guarding the gates of hell shtick- all that stuff. He is the quintessential Cerberus. I can see why he's King. If I was a Cerberus, I definitely would've voted for him. Mostly because he'd probably eat my face off if I didn't, which would be extremely inconvenient, to say the least. So there's that. But I'm sure it won't be an issue. (Spoiler alert: Yes it will.) Let's rock, baby!

Previously, on DEVIL MAY CRY... Dante returned, now in his REAL ULTIMATE POWER FINAL FORM, to the big gooey demon “tree” thing where Nero was getting his dumb face stomped by Urizen the Demon King (again), and rescued him (again), and faced off in an EPIC BATTLE against Urizen the Demon King (again)! But this time, with the power of his REAL ULTIMATE POWER, Dante prevailed over the Demon King! OR DID HE? Just as victory seemed assured, everything started exploding and ish got crazy and Urizen the Demon King was like “Mwahahahahaaaa foolishness, Dante! Foolishness! This was all part of my plan or something and it doesn’t really even matter because now the big gooey demon ‘tree’ is gonna explode or something I don’t know, whatever- kbye.” So he left. Rude. And Dante and Nero and V were like “Welp, can’t have that... let’s do this!” Thus, the warriors departed further into the deepest depths of the big gooey demon tree to the root (get it? ‘Root’? Because... tree..)- to the ultimate ROOT of the evil, where waits Urizen the Demon King, on the verge of attaining his own REAL ULTIMATE POWER! Oh snap... So the Three Warriors started their epic journey, but then whoaaaaaa stuff started exploding again for some reason, separating them! Now, they must each individually attempt to make their way to the very core/root/heart/whatever of the gooey demon tree and confront Urizen the Demon King (even though Dante is the only one who even remotely stands a chance against him, Nero is still a braindead moron and probably thinks he can still win even though he got obliterated like three times in a row, and V is... uh... V... who knows wtf that kid's up to?) You might call it a... "DIVERGING POINT". The developers did. Because that's what it is. + Which brings us to... NERO... Whilst V was stumbling around turning into powder and doing a weird acid trip boss gauntlet filler mission- before finding... MALPHAS, the.... 3-headed mutant demon lady who is kinda like a centaur except her lower body is... a giant featherless ostrich monster... because apparently that's a thing. I did not know that. But now we know- it is. And that's Malphas- she(?) they(?) it(??)- that freaking thing is bad news. And V is already dying of psoriasis, so he decided he should definitely avoid a confrontation. And proceeded to immediately get drawn into a confrontation. Good grief, V, you're starting to act like Nero... And speaking of NERO- just as Malphas the freaky 3 headed demon lady chicken ostrich monster began to approach V and presumably do unpleasant things to him, she was understandably distracted because some random dude shot her in the back of the head. Is it possible that Nero is finally going to do something USEFUL for ONCE in his life and rescue V?! Let's rewind to about 25 minutes before this shocking development, and then we shall see...

Previously, on DEVIL MAY CRY... Dante returned, now in his REAL ULTIMATE POWER FINAL FORM, to the big gooey demon “tree” thing where Nero was getting his dumb face stomped by Urizen the Demon King (again), and rescued him (again), and faced off in an EPIC BATTLE against Urizen the Demon King (again)! But this time, with the power of his REAL ULTIMATE POWER, Dante prevailed over the Demon King! OR DID HE? Just as victory seemed assured, everything started exploding and ish got crazy and Urizen the Demon King was like “Mwahahahahaaaa foolishness, Dante! Foolishness! This was all part of my plan or something and it doesn’t really even matter because now the big gooey demon ‘tree’ is gonna explode or something I don’t know, whatever- kbye.” So he left. Rude. And Dante and Nero and V were like “Welp, can’t have that... let’s do this!” Thus, the warriors departed further into the deepest depths of the big gooey demon tree to the root (get it? ‘Root’? Because... tree..)- to the ultimate ROOT of the evil, where waits Urizen the Demon King, on the verge of attaining his own REAL ULTIMATE POWER! Oh snap... So the Three Warriors started their epic journey, but then whoaaaaaa stuff started exploding again for some reason, separating them! Now, they must each individually attempt to make their way to the very core/root/heart/whatever of the gooey demon tree and confront Urizen the Demon King (even though Dante is the only one who even remotely stands a chance against him, Nero is still a braindead moron and probably thinks he can still win even though he got obliterated like three times in a row, and V is... uh... V... who knows wtf that kid's up to?) You might call it a... "DIVERGING POINT". The developers did. Because that's what it is. + Which brings us to... V, who was a bit a pushover in all honesty- yes, even compared to Nero- has grown yet weaker and weaker. It's almost as if "his body is reaching its limit- breaking down...". And it is. Literally. The poor boy can barely walk, but he is determined to see this through. It was he who began the war against Urizen the Demon King, and he will stop at nothing to be there at the end... even if it means his own end, as well... Kid's got moxie. Gotta give him that much. But how much more can he possibly take? He's running out of time...

Last time on DEVIL MAY CRY... Dante, the Legendary Devil Hunter, did some wacky woohoo pizza man shenanigans to absorb the magic devil power sealed within the Devil Sword Sparda by his father, who was also named “Sparda”, and was also a Devil (a nice one though), but was not a sword, because that would be weird- and in doing so, achieved his REAL ULTIMATE POWER FINAL FORM! Sin Devil Trigger! Devil Trigger 2! Super Devil Trigger! Devil Trigger-er...? Whatever! He turned into a freaking huge devil monster with fire and stuff and it was like whoa dude and he got a NEW Devil Sword- The Devil Sword Dante! Yes. Dante the (Half) Devil Guy with a Devil Sword *also* decided to name his Devil Sword *after himself*, because that’s totally not confusing and weird. Except that it is. But hey- details! It was pretty boss. Dante returned, now in his REAL ULTIMATE POWER FINAL FORM, to the big gooey demon “tree” thing where Nero was getting his dumb face stomped by Urizen the Demon King (again), and rescued him (again), and faced off in an EPIC BATTLE against Urizen the Demon King (again)! But this time, with the power of his REAL ULTIMATE POWER, Dante prevailed over the Demon King! OR DID HE? Just as victory seemed assured, everything started exploded and ish got crazy and Urizen the Demon King was like “Mwahahahahaaaa foolishness, Dante! Foolishness! This was all part of my plan or something and it doesn’t really even matter because now the big gooey demon ‘tree’ is gonna explode or something I don’t know, whatever- kbye.” So he left. Rude. And Dante and Nero and V were like “Welp, can’t have that... let’s do this!” Thus, the warriors departed further into the deepest depths of the big gooey demon tree to the root (get it? ‘Root’? Because... tree..nvm...)- to the ROOT of the evil! Let’s rock, baby!

NOTE: This freaking mission took so long, I decided to split it into 2 parts. This is the Shooting Part. Last was the Sneaking Part. Literally the entire episode was spent NOT shooting filthy nahzees and sneaking around pretending to BE a filthy nahzee. The action was decidedly subdued- so I can definitely understand if you just wanna skip that one. As promised, I now have the Shooting Part uploaded! How could you ever doubt me? ++ ADDITIONAL NOTE: I included a short recap of the last episode, so that everyone could have the pleasure of experiencing my absolutely incredible acting skills and totally accurate, not even remotely exaggerated nor overtly stereotypical impersonation of a Kraut Wahmen. It was pretty legit. -HOWEVER, if for some reason that no one could ever imagine, you don’t care about true art and just want to get straight to the shooty pew pew action part, Skip ahead to about 10:00 or so. I might add a popup card thingy to the beginning of the video or something. Maybe not. You’re smart- you know how to fast forward. You can figure it out. I believe in you. Believe it! And on that note... Let’s do this...

NOTE: This freaking mission took so long, I decided to split it into 2 parts. This is the Sneaking Part. Next is the Shooting Part. Literally this entire episode is spent NOT shooting filthy nahzees and sneaking around pretending to BE a filthy nahzee. The action is decidedly subdued- or virtually nonexistent- so I can definitely understand if you just wanna skip this one. I'll have the Shooting Part uploaded ASAP. That said, IMHO, this part is still worth checking out, just to see my incredible acting skills and perfectly accurate and in absolutely no way whatsoever "politically incorrect" or "offensively stereotypical" impersonations. Honestly, would I ever do something like that? (Absolutely, yes.) ______ Dear Journal, So, someone thinks we should be "sneaky" and "infiltrate" the Nahzee base. I think we should just bust in and shoot all the filthy nahzees. Apparently, they outrank me, because we're having to do this cowardly, UNAMERICAN, "sneaking" nonsense. But it gets worse. Much worse. To infiltrate the filthy nahzee base, I must pretend to be... a Kraut... A Female Kraut. Kyle is not amused. Fortunately, I am a master of disguise, and can thus *perfectly* impersonate a Kraut Wahmen. Seriously, they will NEVER suspect me. In fact, my impersonation is so realistic, I almost tricked MYSELF into thinking I was a filthy Kraut. True story. Sincerely, Sgt. Kyle Jordan, USMC, Alpha Legion, 3rd Company, Kill Team 'Hydra'

Last time on... DEVIL MAY CRY... Dante, the Legendary Devil Hunter battled Urizen, the Demon King in an epic showdown of epicness, the likes of which have not been seen since long, long ago, at the beginning of the series, when Dante fought his twin brother, VERGIL, who is awesome, and even though *technically* Dante won that last round, Vergil was already up by 2, and Dante had an unfair advantage, so Vergil still wins because he’s awesome- but that doesn’t matter, since Vergil has not been seen since that fateful duel after he fell off of a cliff into the demon world, so he’s definitely dead and we will never ever see him again in any capacity- especially not in this game. But still! Dante and Urizen’s fight was pretty intense, yo. The two mighty warriors battled mightily, and, though the Demon King was hard pressed to fend off the mighty assault of the Legendary Devil Hunter, in the end, Urizen defeated Dante... But that wasn’t even his FINAL FORM. After narrowly being defeated by Urizen the Demon King, and subsequently punted across the city, Dante decided to take a nice, refreshing nap. Meanwhile, for an entire month, idiot Nero and V the G just kind of derped around- but then, they temporarily joined forces and something and then Nero ran off to try to fight Urizen like the complete tard that he is, and V was like “well, f that...”. Thus, whilst Nero ran face first into disaster, as usual, V set off to find The Devil Sword Sparda. And find it he did! Along with DANTE! After waking him from his nap and explaining that Nero was being a dingus again and was running off to try to fight Urizen, the Demon King- Dante, the Legendary Devil Hunter, set off for a rematch with Urizen (and maybe he’d rescue Nero if it wasn’t too much trouble...). Along the way, Dante fought a cool purple lightning dude in a boss fight. Plot twist! The cool purple lightning dude was actually like a robot mech suit with Trish inside! Trish isn’t a dude! She’s a girl! And she’s like Dante’s girlfriend or something. (She also looks identical to Dante’s mom and it’s really weird. Issues, man...) So Dante, ever the gentleman, chopped the robot mech suit thing into little tiny pieces- which for....reasons...turned into a magic motorcycle that he has decided to use as a weapon because he’s Dante and he’s a wacky woohoo pizza guy like that- thus freeing Trish. Hurray! Just in the nick of time, poor V, who had been chasing after Dante to tell him something that might’ve been important, finally arrived on the scene- at which point, Dante promptly drove off on his new magic motorcycle, leaving Trish with V. What a jerk. Soon, Trish awoke to find V doing his two favorite things: reading poetry and brooding. But this wasn’t just normal brooding! This was “ok I’m gonna fill you in on my whole mysterious backstory now” type brooding. Thus, as Dante sped ever closer to his epic rematch with Urizen the Demon King, V began to tell his story. The story of his “birth”...

Last time on... Devil May Cry 5! V the G, sick of listening to Nero be a whiny bih, set off on a secret personal mission, whilst idiot Nero, as usual, ran face first into a dangerous situation far beyond his abilities with absolutely no plan of what he was actually going to do, because he's Nero. So, Nero ran off to the Demon Tree to fight Urizen, the Demon King- again, even though last time he tried that, he got pimp slapped across the room and would've died if Dante hadn't stepped in to rescue him, before similarly being pimp slapped, and sent flying across the continent. That was 1 month ago. Dante has not been seen since. Thus, V set off in search of The Devil Sword Sparda, the Legendary Sword of the Legendary Dark Knight, Sparda, which is kind of confusing- but for some reason, Sparda (the dude) also named his sword 'Sparda'. Sparda (the dude) was pretty much the most powerful awesome devil guy of all time- he was a nice devil though, so it was cool- and he had a boss awesome sword that was freaking huge and before he randomly disappeared for no reason, he like sealed a bunch of his magic devil power into Sparda (the sword). Also, Sparda (the dude) was, in fact, the father of- Dante, the Legendary Devil Hunter- and Dante's awesome twin brother VERGIL, but he died in the first game so he's gone forever and we will definitely never, ever see or hear from him again. So there's that. But before Sparda (the dude) disappeared, he left his super awesome magic devil sword 'Sparda' behind, and it's super powerful and stuff. Unfortunately, it was last seen flying across the continent along with Dante after being pimp slapped by Urizen, the Demon King. Undeterred, V set out to find The Devil Sword Sparda, because obviously Nero isn't going to do anything useful, and they're kind of running out of options to beat Urizen, the Demon King, who is a bad dude. And find it, he did! Along with.... DANTE! Turns out, Dante was kinda tuckered out after getting pimp slapped across the continent by Urizen, the Demon King, so he decided to take a nap. For an entire month. Yes, seriously. Understandably a bit annoyed, V picked up the Sparda, and looked like he was going to stab Dante with it, when suddenly- Dante (finally) woke up! Good morning, Dante! Now, after being filled in by V on what he's missed over the past *month* during his nap, Dante, the Legendary Devil Hunter, sets out- again- toward the Demon Tree- again- to battle Urizen, the Demon King- again- and rescue stupid idiot Nero- again. But first, he'll have to face off against probably the coolest boss fight in the game... Cavaliere Angelo! Let's rock, baby!

Dear Journal, First, the good news: we- pardon, *I*- have completed the forcible *eviction* of the filthy nahzees who STOLE CHURCH and dared to sully God's house with their vile NAHZEE bullcrap existence. See, that's a euphemism. What I mean is I KILLED THEM ALL. Every single evil NAHZEE in approximately a 100 mile radius was murdered to death. By me. In a multiplicity of ways. Some of them got shot, some of them caught these hands, some of them got blown up, some of them got stabbed using Bill the Samurai's secret bayonet jutsu technique that he passed down to me, and some of them got PURGED IN HOLY FIRE. That was definitely my favorite. There was much maniacal laughter. So yeah, I got rid of those dang Krauts and now God doesn't have to be homeless anymore because I rescued his house. Well done, me. I hereby award myself a gold star. Actually, make it two gold stars. I earned it. True story. Now the bad news: apparently the developers realized they're behind on their forced 'diversity' quota, so random wahmens are about to start showing up as nonsensical, out of place, pointless token non-characters shoehorned into the story, because... "reasons"... Were I an insolent man, I would perhaps comment on the fact that of the 10 or so Allied Soldiers we encounter in the game for more than five seconds, and particularly of the 3 who are vaguely competent Soldiers, *2* are wahmens (the 3rd is me. So if we include only Non-Player Characters, then apparently ~100% of the Allies' combat effectiveness is supplied by wahmens. The entire Allied War Effort was *literally* fueled by girl power... ) However, of the *13.6 Million* Nahzee soldiers of the Wehrmacht/SS/et al, *0* are wahmens. All of the nahzees are men, because of course they are. So there's that. Sincerely, Sgt. Kyle Jordan, USMC 'Alpha Legion',1st Company, Kill-Team 'Umbra' PS- Unfortunately, that freaking hipster still hasn't died. I was hoping God would smite him to death as a bonus present for getting all those filthy nahzees out of his house, but no luck. Wait, I've got it! The wahmens could totally use their eldritch witchcraft to shoot mind bullets at him or something. There must be some way I could... persuade... them... Ohhh myyyy.... Ladies...

Last time on....DMC! After a short team up and some awkward small talk with The Non-Legendary Dead Weight Devil Hunter, Nero, ‘The Mysterious One’, V the G parted ways, and set off on his own epic adventure, partially because it’s important, and partially just to get away from Nero. Whilst Nero blundered straight toward the Lair of Urizen the Demon King, intent on... revenge... or... something? I’m not really sure why Nero is so eager to catch hands from Urizen again, actually. I’m sure Nero is at least as oblivious. Probably more so. But he’s doing it. Knowing this to be an incredibly stupid idea, as Urizen previously BTFO’d both Nero and Dante, the *Legendary* Devil Hunter (who remains missing in action since being punted across the planet by Urizen at the end of the gang’s first fateful encounter with The Demon King one month ago) with virtually zero effort and without even getting out of his chair, and knowing that trying to talk sense into Nero is akin to bashing one’s head against a reinforced titanium bank vault, V set off on an errand of his own. He is seeking out The Devil Sword Sparda, The Legendary Devil Sword once wielded by The Legendary Dark Knight Sparda, which is kind of confusing and weird that the dude and his sword are both named ‘Sparda’, but hey, whatever- because Sparda was the supreme OG thug life dude, and you don’t question Sparda. Seriously, money single-handedly defeated *all of the demons in hell*, including the original Demon King, Mundus, then did some magic stuff and sealed them all in hell, because screw those guys, they’re jerks. Then he knocked up some human woman and she done had twins, half devil, half human hybrid babies which sounds like it would be freaky, but nah it’s cool- and guess what- one of them was.... *Dante*, the Legendary Devil Hunter! Yes, the very one we were just talking about! What are the odds, am I right? Also, there was Dante’s twin brother- VERGIL(!!!), who was awesome, and he was super into POWER and getting MOTIVATED, and all manner of cool guy stuff. Sadly, Vergil was last seen in DMC 3, which was chronologically the earliest game in the series, set like 30 years ago. He and Dante had been sword fighting (they do that a lot), and technically Dante won their last fight, but Vergil still had more W’s overall, and he was cooler, but Dante was still tryna front, cause he a buster, and Vergil was like “Dude whatever”, and YOLO’d off the side of a cliff into bottomless pit inside the demon world, cause Vergil don’t even give a fck. So VERGIL is definitely dead forever and we will never ever get to see him again in any capacity whatsoever, and no one in this game has any seeeecret connection to him. Nope. None. Right, so V. He is trying to recover the Devil Sword Sparda, last seen being punted along with Dante across the planet. Because it’s like super powerful and magical and stuff. So now he’s doing that. Jackpot!

TONIGHT.... on DMC! The NON Legendary Dead Weight Devil Hunter, NERO, returns for an epic showdown rematch with Urizen, The Demon King! Will Nero finally grow a pair and stop being a whiny chump? (No.) Will his new flimsy toy robot arm and like 5 minutes of extra practice hunting Devils (NON Legendarily) somehow result in a massive power boost that makes absolutely no sense within the plot? (Yes.) Will it be enough to totally defeat The Demon King who casually pimp slapped The Yes Legendary Devil Hunter, DANTE (who is about infinity times better) across the planet- without even getting out of his chair? (Probably not.) Will Kyle try to be a cool guy and parry a bunch of attacks with Gerbera and fail? (Largely, yes.) Will it still be a pretty decent fight? (Eh... decent, yeah...)

Dear Journal, Have you ever heard that "God loves everyone"? Well, whoever told you that is a big stupid liar. Because God hates EVIL NAHZEES. (And so do I.) Especially when they INVADE *CHURCH*. And that is EXACTLY what these freaking NAHZEES just did. They STOLE Church. Do you know what Church is? Church is GOD'S HOUSE. And they STOLE it. They STOLE GOD'S HOUSE. Where is GOD going to live?! Do you want GOD to be HOMELESS? NO, you do NOT. But apparently the NAHZEES do. This will NOT STAND. This AGGRESSION will NOT stand, man. We must RESCUE CHURCH from the filthy NAHZEES. Mark my words- ALL filthy NAHZEES will be forcibly evicted from God's House, IMMEDIATELY. And by "evicted", I mean "KILLED". Just in case that wasn't obvious. Which it was. But still. Sincerely, Kyle PS- That freaking hipster still hasn't died yet. Maybe after we rescue Church, God will smite him to death as a favor. We can only pray.

Last time on DMC... After waiting a full month for no discernible reason, our 'heroes' decided they should probably make their way back to the giant evil gooey demon "tree" (which I ain't even known there were "demon 'trees'" in the first place, and this thing sure as hell don't look like no 'tree' I've ever seen, but hey- details!) that has taken over the city or the world or some unspecified but significant area spewing demons everywhere, killing people, and generally being a nuisance. And that will not stand, man. This aggression will not stand, man! So they started battling their way across the ruins of Red Grave City on their way to attempt to confront Urizen, the Demon King, who makes his lair within the heart of the evil demon 'tree'. He's got a sweet chair and everything. Also, last time they tried to fight him, they got BTFO'd and Dante (who's way cooler and stronger than Nero and V combined) got pimp slapped so hard it sent him flying across State lines. He has not been seen since. So that's a problem. But they'll probably figure something out. Maybe... So Nero, the NON Legendary Devil Hunter Dead Weight Chump battled a couple sweet bosses, killed some demons, tried to be cool with his zippy one-liners, and of course, failed miserably. But he did kill the demons. Better than nothing. Now, it's time for V the G! He's "The Mysterious One", you see. Seriously, that's what the game calls him. He's some random dude who *totally* doesn't have some kind of goofy secret identity ulterior motive nonsense going on. Nope. Definitely not. He's just 'V', and that's all there is it. And no, "V" is not an abbreviation, that's his name. Just accept it, man. So V... V is... special... he's an "artist"... he really, really loves reading poetry, specifically William Blake. Like, a lot. Half of his lines are William Blake quotes. Also, by reading poetry during battle, he can channel magical devil powers, because sure, why not. Unlike Dante and Nero, V is a bit on the fragile side- he'll actually get tired and have to stop for a second to catch his breath if you sprint too long. Again, yes, really. Devil May Cry is weird. But to compensate, he has a pet demon panther that he can shoot out of his pimp cane to bite your face off- which is pretty awesome, you gotta admit. And he has a wise-cracking magic parakeet and they have this back and forth odd couple kinda thing going on. It's strangely endearing. V in general is strangely endearing after a while- unlike Nero, who's just annoying. Oh, and when he charges up his magic devil power by reading poetry, his like "super move" let's him summon a giant gooey man who can and will fuck up your shit by shooting laser beams and/or stomping on you. His name is NIGHTMARE, because of course it is. And on that note! Let's do this... BTW: The Internet broke just before the end and the video cut out, but I kept going for a couple minutes to do my signature outtro because I'm dedicated like that. You might want to skip that part though. Yes, I could've edited it out, but I don't have any of that fancy professional video guy software so I'd have to it in YT and it would take like an entire day to reprocess or whatever- I'm pretty sure YT just makes it do that because YT is asshoe and I may have upset Susan one of the many dozens of times I talked about how much of a dumb bitch she is, which she is. Very much. True story.

Part 1: One month after the events of the Prologue (Pt.0), the giant freaky gooey demon "tree", wherein lives Urizen the Demon King, who previously BTFO'd our heroes, has grown like really, really big and there's demons coming out of it and peoples is dying and cities are being destroyed and it's generally making a nuisance of itself. This is not ideal. Though DANTE, the Legendary Devil Hunter was last seen being pimp slapped by Urizen the Demon King across the planet and has not been heard from since, he did heroically buy time for Nero and V, "The Mysterious One" (yes, they really call him that) to escape, and since then, they've been busy doing... uh... 'stuff'...? I don't know wtf they've been doing, but I guess they decided they should give that whole 'attacking the giant weird lair of the Demon King' routine again, despite getting BTFO'd last time, when they had the help of Dante, who is both Legendary and way more powerful than both of them combined. But hey- details! Oh, and Nero got a robot arm. So there's that. Now, Nero battles across the ruins of Red Grave City- little does he know, Goliath the Big Boy awaits to stop and crush and stomp him in a pretty sweet boss fight! And then some weird flying laser beam thing boss! It's boss fest up in here! Will Nero survive...? Find out... TONIGHT... on "Kyle Plays the Video Games!"

Dear Journal, We finally made it to the war! D-Day was... eventful... Basically everyone died. And only most of them were filthy nahzees. That upset me. And none of them were that filthy hipster. That really upset me. Then I killed like a million nahzees. It was awesome. I wanted to kill more nahzees, but I eventually ran out. But they promise we’ll found some more soon.We should be heading out today for “Operation: Cobra”. I was about to FREAK OUT, but they said it’s just a ‘code name’, and there will definitely be more nahzees to kill. There dang well better, or I’m gonna kill this stupid hipster. Ugh. War is hell. Sincerely, Kyle, 7-Star Ultra Supreme General of all AMERICA, recipient, every medal ever invented, and a few they had invented just for me. True story. PS- Good news! Stupid Zussman get stabbed! Ha! 😂😂😂

"Killing demons and being cool!" It's not the official tagline of Devil May Cry, but it should be. The DMC series, beginning in the PS2 era, was among the earliest and arguably most influential of the modern 3D 'hack n slash' action games, and, though not quite a top-tier flagship series, maintains a sizable and very enthusiastic fanbase. Primarily starring Dante, a wacky woohoo pizza man who likes killing demons and being cool- because hey, who doesn't- as well as, formerly, his awesome brother Vergil (see what they did, there?), and recently his idiot punk sidekick Nero, DMC is, well, an action game about killing demons and being cool. What more do you need? It's weird, it's ridiculously over the top, and it's awesome. Does the idea of a game where a man rides around on a motorcycle which magically transforms into two pieces which he then wields like swords and uses to kill demons- and be cool- sound awesome? Trick question: Yes it does. Welcome to Devil May Cry. Part 0! Get caught up with the snazzy ‘History of DMC’ cutscene, then experience Mission 0 starring nobo Can Nero defeat Urizen the Demon King? Since The Legendary Devil Hunter, Dante himself (see my ‘Dante First Mission’ video- which is, chronologically, before the Mission 0 Prologue, which is kind of confusing, but Devil May Cry is weird like that- from a couple weeks ago for more!) could not prevail against the mighty Demon King Urizen, who is the big boss of the game, and this is still just the Prologue- I think it’s safe to say that no, he probably can’t. Or perhaps he can... (He really can’t though.) But still! Let’s see what happens, and we can all point and laugh at Nero when he inevitably fails, just like everything else in his life! Ha! Loser! (If you can’t tell, I really don’t like Nero.) And finally, the hilariously over the top, but still awesome intro cutscene from the trailer, with that ‘Devil Trigger’ joint, which is pretty sweet, NGL. Let’s rock, baby!

Through the gates of hell, As we make our way to Heaven, Through the Nahzee lines, D-Day upon us, On the 6th of June, On the shores of Western Europe, 1944.... Primo Victoria! * * * Wherein our hero celebrates AMERICA day by shooting evil NAHZEES! Normandy awaits! Prepare to catch these hands, NAHZEES! TONIGHT.... on "Kyle Plays the Video Games!" Let’s do this.