Spazzboy911

i've gotten all of my treatments and meds done for today. i'm on my very last leg with insulin. my plan right now is to only take 5 units of basaglar with meals regarless of how big or carb counting, and 8 units basaglar morning and night. it seems to be working ok. if this doesn't pan out, i'm done with insulin, and i need to have a chat with my endo doctor. i also just don't feel right in my head. it's 4 in the morning. i don't feel like i can function. i think this is directly related to the neuological disorder called visual snow syndrome. which is also said to cause problems with derealization. the feeling that there's a filter between myself and reality. it feels solipsistic, which is a very bad feeling. i have a paper around here saying when my psych appointment is, it's roughly in three months. i think i also have numbers to docters i might be able to see sooner, but i don't really know. it just feels like i'm stuck in my head if kind of a bad way. i'm not sure that's even an accurate way to describe it.

i've been missing my logs lately. i don't really have an excuse. i have been doing my evening orkambi, albuterol, pulmazyme, tobi, salmeterol. yesterday night i had a really intense dream, it's difficult to describe. it was like there was some unseen entity trying to keep me in a panic state. it very much resembled the scene in the movie Spider-Man Far From Home, when Mysterio had Spider-Man in the illusion, and it was just rapid firing every visual it had, almost in a loop. anyway, i've done my evening treatment. i need to email my endo doctor again. i've been trying to ease insulin back into my routine, but today proved that it just isn't viable. i had a pretty big dinner, loads of protein, plenty of carbs. before i even started eating, my glucose was 356, which is higher than it should, but it fit into context. with dinner i had around 260 carbs, so i had 13 units of insulin. that should account for dinner, but keep me above desired. as recent trends have gone, my legs cramped up painfully, and i was in a panic episode for a while. i had a few glasses of orange juice, two bananas, a glass of milk, a bowl of cereal, and a hot shower just to be able to sit here comfortably. this is not a typical, or a normal response to insulin, so even with the addition of potassium pills, each of which provide 2% of ones daily recommended allowance, i'm afraid i'm going to need a better alternative to my current insulin treatment. and i was discouraged, to say the least, that my previous email to my endo doctor on the topic was seemingly dismissed and disregarded.

today was pretty good, as far as my health goes. i woke up around 1 which seems to be the norm as of late. i'm going to set my alarm for 10, in 6 hours, and i have some coffee to help motivate that. i got some meds in the mail today, did my morning orkambi, albuterol, pulmazyme, salmeterol, tobi. when i woke up my blood glucose was 170, which is good. i had a heavy carb dinner, at around 268 carbs, and right now my blood glucose is over 500. i'm going to take 8 units basaglar and 8 units humalog along with a potassium pill. this will allow me to ease back onto my regular insulin regiment without too much discomfort.

so taking insulin yesterday didn't put me in the ER or cramp up my legs beyond their proper functional limit, and today my meter said my glucose levels were "HI" which means over 500. i took 8 units of humalog and 8 units of basaglar and now the number is down to 190. it also appears that my poor breathing is directly correlated with my glucose levels. i've ordered more albuterol, lately i've reverted back to using a puffer, and ive been doing my salmeterol, tobi, pulmazyme, and orkambi each morning and evening pretty well so far. i've been including carbs in my diet and potassium to keep my muscles working, but monitoring both does add a lot more to my already complicated died. i hope that this can remain sustainable and solvent over time. my grocery bill has gone up substantially as of late. i still run into the other problem that even when my health seems to be on the up and up, i feel demotivated and demoralized most of the time, making it difficult to do anything. this is likely a product of whatever anxiety or depression i've had for a while now, and hopefully, my psych appointment can help me get somewhere in august. i should be looking for a more readily available solution, of course, but then that's a catch 22.

i'm going to make a mistake. and i should explain what that mistake is, and why i need to. so, today i've been having trouble breathing. it feels like a weight on my chest, my lungs are rumbling, and i've had a very productive cough today. i recognize these specific symptoms from the first time i went to the ER at UCSF as a product of un-managed blood glucose levels. right now, they're at 370, which is too high. to get it down, i'm going to take 4 units of humalog insulin. i have milk, bananas, and orange juice at hand in case it affects my potassium levels negatively. i think i should also note here that i've been having plenty of carbs today, so technically this is unusually low. today, i've eaten two pop tarts, two packets of instant oatmeal, a bottle of apple cider, two glasses of milk, around 4 cups of orange juice, some banana bread, and probably one or two other things. that my blood glucose is below 500 right now is noteworthy.

i haven't made a log in a while. i can't get my head together. it's just been stuck on repeat for days now. i've been having a problem with night paranoia. i've been having trouble remembering to do anything, or caring to do the things i remember. i've been able to cut out a lot of carbs, my glucose levels are pretty steady, being around 250 in the morning and a little over 300 in the evenings. however it seems as though the lack of carbs is hindering cognitive processes. i'm still very uncomfortable with the idea of taking insulin, so right now the plan is that i've ordered some potassium pills that will arive on the 23rd, and i'll see what i can do then to get back to a more balanced diet and insulin.

so i didn't make a log yesterday. i've been feeling very anxious. i'm having difficulty trying to focus, it's difficult for me to do anything, even when i remember to do it. i'm only remembering to take orkambi once a day, i do most of my treatments. i go without eating because i forget to get up to eat, and when i remember i don't always get around to doing it. i didn't sleep at all last night. i don't know if what i feel is depression. it feels more like i'm waiting around to die. i already live like i'm retired, i have nothing left to do, and it's not like i've done anything in the first place. i don't know. i'm going to lie down. i'll try to sleep now, at 7 in the morning. i don't know what else to do.

i was able to wake up around 8 this morning, even though it still took a while to get out of bed, i still see this as a small win. last night my blood glucose was around 400, when i woke up this morning it was 25, i had a large, sugary energy drink and it went up to 475. i haven't called my doctor, but i have sent my endocrinologist a detailed email about the problems i've been having with insulin and potassium, and included the numbers i've mentioned here. this morning i've taken my orkambi, albuterol, pulmazyme, tobi, salmeterol, iron, pill, dekas plus, azythromax, omega 3 oil pill, and i right now i need to get some food and go grocery shopping, my shopping list does focus more on low carb foods than what i've been getting. it was sort of funny to me that around 1130 it still felt like early morning, probably due to my sleep schedule making it feel that way compared to when i usually wake up.

well this is interesting. i've done my evening orkamib, albuterol, salmeterol, tobi. my health is doing well, by all means, and it's drawn out my depression. i also feel like my vision's being affected by something, like it's a bit more blurry, or i cant open my eyes all the way. something like that. anyway, it's 1 in the morning, i'm going to try my best to wake up at 8, in 7 hours. my blood glucose is around 400. i haven't taken any insulin in roughly two weeks or so. that isn't a good thing, but it is a good thing to know. so i'm going to get up at 8, and have an energy drink, and make that even worse. with any luck, i'll feel like calling my doctor about my insulin affecting my potassium

i didn't make any log yesterday. i find it difficult for me to do anything. this feels like the problem i've been facing for years now. i essentially have my health right now. i do my treatments every morning and evening, i take my orkambi and everything seems to be going well right now. i've been feeling good. but for some reason, i feel demoralized. i feel like i don't have a reason to do anything. i've been watching youtube and playing minecraft for several weeks now. that's all i've been doing. there's all sorts of other things on my computer i'm able to do, and i never bother. things just don't connect in my brain to turn ideas into actions. i've been like this for years. it feels like i run into a wall when i try doing anything different. i woke up around 1130 today. even though i got up around 930 and had a 5 hour energ shot, i went back to sleep. i suppose that means i really needed the sleep, and at least 1130 is earlier that 1. right now i'm going to take my morning orkambi, then do albuteral, salmterol, pulmazyme, and tobi.

life appears to be multiplying in its complexities more rapidly than ususal in recent days. or it seems like it, at least. i slept today from around 12 to 4, had a whole bunch of food, i've done my evening treatments of albuterol, pulmazyme, tobi, salmeterol, and evening orkambi. i've learned recently that among my previously discussed medical problems, i also have what is called visual snow syndrome, a neurological disorder with very little data on record. it's primarily described as a sort of visual filter overlaying ones vision, very similar in appearance to the static field of old, analog television sets, or similar to visual noise on cameras set to a high lighting sensitivity. however, it is diagnosed when it is accompanied by other symptoms, which i have, including sensitivity to light, tinnitus, after images, distortions at the peripheral of ones vision, a static visual field when ones eyes are closed, heightened difficulty seeing at night compared to other people, and signs of depersonalization. those are some of the symptoms to my knowledge. it's classified as a neurological disorder, because there's nothing wrong with the eyes or ears, but with the data receptors linked to those senses. i've had these symptoms since i was a little kid, and i wasn't even aware anything was wrong or unusual, which is a sentiment voiced by many who learn of this diagnosis. there's so little data because so few people even know to bring these things up. i hypothesize that this contributes to my own night time paranoia. i really need to expose myself to something pleasant before i go to bed, i'm of a terrible habit of watching videos i don't need to at times when it doesn't help me. at some point i need to just make a list of all of the problems i have, along with descriptions of how they manifest, and see if it's even believable.

i may be learning that caffine has a more potent affect on me since increasing potassium in my diet. or else, i made a very dumb decision yesterday. the previous night, i made about 10 shots of blonde esspresso and put them in the fridge. yesterday morning, i added them to 1.5 liters of pepsi. then i forgot to eat for the rest of the day. i had a very nice dinner around 10. then i stayed up all of last night. i took my orkambi when i woke up yesterday, forgot it last night. i've done most of my treatments yesterday, and i'm about to do todays.

today was another good day. my high-potassium, relatively low-carb diet seems to be working out well. i woke up around 1, i took my morning orkambi a bit late, did morning albuterol, pulamzyme, and tobi. and this evening i've done my orkambi, albuterol, tobi, and salmeterol

i forgot to make a log yesterday evening and this morning. i've been without insulin for a few days now, and i've changed my diet to include higher doses of potassium. i've been feeling really good. it's been a resurrection. i'm relearning good habits. i have proper motor skills back. my mood is stable. my dream are vivid and detailed, holding a distinct narrative throughout. along with this dramatic psychological transformation, however, is an ever present cost. this has been taking a while to get used to. this is a very different way of thinking for me. it's pretty disorienting, and what's worse, is a seem to have no available guidance to help me. nobody understands this. it's entirely new territory. it also raises questions about my past. for example, growing up, i would drink a lot of milk, eat a lot of potatoes, drink ensure calorie drinks, i loved orange juice, eat bananas, mushrooms, beans, cantaloupe, and i've learned that i like tomatoes coconut water, and kiwis. all of these foods are good for potassium, which seems to indicate that many of my natural dietary inclinations were signaling to me that i need potassium, though the point had never been brought up. it's a strange observation and i don't know how to make heads or tails of it. i still need to contact my doctor about adjusting insulin and potassium needs. i know that my glucose levels are high, and that i need to remember to use the treadmill i've to to help in controlling that. life has taken a very sudden, unexpected turn, and that comes with a significant need for caution, even when the change is for the good. i feel good, but it also feels like one problem out of a hundred taken care of.

i didn't make a log yesterday. i had difficulty geting into the headspace to make one. i felt good yesterday and that continues to today. my dreams are different. vivid, continuous, long. they hold a narrative. yesterday i took my morning and evening orkambi, did my morning treatments but forgot my evening ones. today i start with orkambi, albuterol, pulmazyme, and tobi. i've been feeling pretty good, but i also think i need to talk to a doctor about antidepressants still, and i need to call my doctor about not taking insulin, or else monitoring my potassium white i take insulin.

it is four in the morning. i have been having a miserable time of it. i don't know if i can even remember it all. after i made my log yesterday around 4, my blood glucose continued to drop. i had four poptarts and two bowls of cereal. i slept for less than an hour when my feet started to cramp very terribly. i had a banana and a bowl of beans for potassium. i slept until 5 in the afternoon or so. when i woke up, i felt i needed some stimulants but didn't want a whole lot of sugar, i walked to the gas station and picked up some sugar free energy drinks. when i got to the street at the base of the house, i was just a little tired, our of breath. when i got up to the front door, i was a little more tired. i rushed to my room, knew i had to check my blood sugar, it was around 300, which is to be expected given circumstances. then my vision blacked out, my ears started ringing louder than i've ever heard them. it was difficult to breath, i was intensely out of breath, my skin felt like a million needle jabs, i started sweating ammonia. this is was my previous two panic attacks felt like when i went to the ER. that's what those actually where, significant drops in potassium. this state of not being able to see, hear, or breath, lasted nearly two minutes. i just sat in this chair here and focused on breathing. i focused on the intense ringing in my ears. i tried to pay attention to the bizarre landscape i was looking at. if you google image search the term 'google deep dream' it looked very similar to that. that might sound like fun, but the reality, of course, was that is was painful, and intensely frightening. the point is that i couldn't actually see anything, not anything material. i tried calling my dad, and my phone battery died immediately. since then, i've eaten meat, i've had all three energy drinks i bought, i've been sitting around exhausted. it is energy draining. i can feel my body demands stimulants. i'm going to try to sleep. i know that is is a sub optimal situation. i need to talk to my doctor. but i also know that i need sleep. i'll call my doctor as soon as i know i have the time and energy to do so. i've taken my evening orkambi, though it really is more like morning orkambi at this point. i'm going to bed and i'm really hoping i feel better when i wake up. unfortunately, recent trends don't bare that out.

so i was having a pretty good day, until i made a mistake. i got up around 1, took morning orkambi, did albuterol, tobi, pulmazyme. i had a nice day, feeling good. around 2 in the morning, i checked my blood glucose, it said "HI" which i know means that it's above 500 as i expected it would be. i wanted to try something. i took 8 units corrective admalog and four units for an energy drink. so i injected 12 units insulin and within seconds, i felt a negative reaction. my energy levels dropped radically, my mood changed, i feel emotionally unstable right now. and my blood glucose is around 170 or so when i checked a few minutes go. i'm dizzy, don't feel well. to try to counteract my mistake, i've eaten two more bananas over the one i had a few hours ago. as if that were not complicated enough, there's something bigger that i need to inspect with my doctor, and that is the viability of going back on trikafta. they way i feel right now is very reminiscent of how my panic attacks have felt, which might mean they were not directly fueled by serotonin syndrome, but by potassium deficit. i don't know that to be the case necessarily, but right now that's how it feels. i won't be using that to be making any large decisions, though. i've done albuterol, i still need to do pulmazyme and tobi. before i go to sleep, i think it would be wise for me to take my morning orkambi, given the timing.

it is nearly 5 in the morning, however i'm not as worried about that as i usually am, as i had a nice nap during the day, offsetting my sleep schedule by a bit. this evening i did get done my albuterol, pulmazyme, tobi, and evening orkambi. i've been having a good day. feeling good, feeling pretty normal. it's kind of irritating how long i've been doing insulin that's made me feel terrible and i had no idea, and i know that it's important to call my doctor tomorrow to start looking for some kind of alternative treatment for my diabetes.

i didn't make any log yesterday. I felt like i had to find my headspace. i felt really good yesterday, first day without insulin, today will be the second. and i will be calling my doctor tomorrow to discuss either an alternative or a supplement of some kind. yesterday, i did do my morning treatments of albuterol, saline, and tobi, i took my morning orkambi, and i did my evening albuterol, pulmazyme, and tobi, though i forgot to take orkambi. today i still feel pretty good. this is actually kind of worrying, on the basis that it wasn't every obvious to me that my insulin was causing side effects which caused emotional instability and physical difficulty moving. this causes me to question what other problems i have or have had that i've improperly dismissed. today, i've taken my morning orkambi, and i'm about to do my morning treatments of albuterol, pulmazyme, and tobi.

i've been having one hell of a night so far, and it isn't finished yet. earlier today, i learned that my deodorant is making the skin in my armpit peel off. it's only the topmost layer, but i'd like to put an end to that, so i'm i'm not using that anymore. i have not done my treatments yes, but i have taken my evening orkambi. so i've been having muscle cramp issues in my feet for a while now, it makes it difficult to get to sleep, though it appeared to be a minor problem at most. i'd have to use my hands to put my feet back in position, then try to not move too much and i thought that'd be the end of it. earlier today, i have been eating plenty of food, and a lot of carbs, so i took a lot of humalog insulin. given how much i was eating, and given how high by glucose levels were, i needed to take 21 units of insulin. this is quite a bit more than i usually take, but it didn't appear to be a problem given my diet at that moment. within the hour, my legs were cramping up very quickly, very intensely, very painfully, and in every possible position. a thought occurred to me, so i looked up my question on the internet and found that indeed, humalog has the possible side effect of lowering potassium which causes muscle cramps. this problem has been going on for years now and i had never heard of such a thing being related. i've since taken a hot shower to help my legs relax, and i hate around 5 and a half bananas before i could sit comfortably. after having i think it was 6 in total, my feet are still being a problem, but only a little more so than usual. i will not be taking that type of insulin again, and i should be doing research into weather this is related to other types. if it isn't, then the answer it to find a suitable replacement. if it is, then i have a real problem not being able to take insulin anymore. it's also possible i just have a natural potassium deficit, though that will have to be tested more officially. i have also been looking into metobolic alkalosis, i've been exhibiting parallel symptoms to that syndrome, though that also would require official testing and diagnosis. this also means that at one point i was suffering from serotonin syndrome and potassium deficit at the same time, both of which inhibit a persons ability to function physically, mentally, and emotionally. i'm glad that i'm finding these answer, but these are problems that i didn't even know that i had, and there are likely other problems that i have but possess no knowledge of at all, and at this point i don't know how much more of this i can take.

i woke up around 1030, i've taken my morning trikafta, done albuterol, saline, tobi, salmeterol, pulmazyme, and now i need to get some breakfast.

so i didn't make a log this morning. i woke up around 1130 but didn't do my treatment til hours later, when i did only albuterol and pulmazyme. i finally got orkambi in the mail, ive taken my evening orkambi just now. this means that this vlog series is mislabeled, but i'm ok with that for now. i went grocery shopping and bought a whole bunch of food, and when i got home i ate a whole bunch of food. i then did my evening abluterol, saline solution, tobi, pulmazyme, and salmeterol. right now i just need to clear off my bed and get to sleep.

so i'm still up at 3 am im part because i'm cold and don't want to move. and in part because i've dipped below baseline from when i first went off of trikafta. i'm sort of functioning in a daze, unfocused, a little confused. it isn't as bad as it was previously, but it also means i'm prone to a lack of impulse control, a lack of motive. a propensity towards negative or tangential thought. so i'm not feeling terrible, but i can remember how good i felt in the past week. i'm also dealing with my left hand still being unstable for some reason, in a way my right hand isn't. it makes typing very tricky.