Spazzboy911

failed attempts 2 -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

failed attempts 3 -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

failed attempts 1 -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

Broadcasted live on Twitch -- Watch live at https://www.twitch.tv/spazzboy911

i've not been able to make myself make a log lately. it's always the same. i'm not able to plan my day out. i'm not able to think a few hours out. this makes it difficult to get anything done. i was supposed to check my email and send my glucose meter numbers and i forgot. i practiced a musical instrument a little today. it's difficult to type this without any typos. i've been trying something for a while, now. trying to work through what's been bothering me. it's difficult to figure that out. so i've been letting my mind wander, to see what occurs most commonly. i wanted to see if there were any reoccurring problems i'm dealing with. the conclusion i've come to is that i need to be writing these things down and collecting them into sort of an autobiography. even if it's not something that i want to do, i don't know what else there is. it doesn't feel like i have multiple problems that keep coming up. it's just one. it's always this one problem. i've known about it for nearly my entire life. i'm not able to ignore it, or forget it. i don't think about anything else. it's just this one problem. it's my own personal insantiy, and it is corrosive in nature. it's been wearing me down nearly my whole life. it's always been there. this idea consumes all else. my dad and i have been watching chicago pd. it's a good show. i try to relax, to escape. while watching the show, i saw it again. this insanity. i wasn't able to escape it. the idea that consumes, it scares me. like nothing else in all existence, it frightens me in ways and to depths i'm not able to elaborate. it scares me at night, in the dark, in silence, in isolation. i don't think anyone else knows about it. it's my own personal insanity. i think this is going to be the last in this seriese. it's come to a repetitive halt. every day the same. i've done my evening albuterol, pulmazyme, salmeterol, orkambi, i need to shower tomorrow. i need to get professional help. i can't think of anything else to do but write down what this idea is that's haunted me as long as i can remember being alive. i honestly don't know which would frighten me more: to possibility that other people are already aware of this idea, or the possibility that no one has ever heard of this idea.

at one in the morning i'm going to bed early. i've done my evening treatments. i have a caffeine drink waiting for me. i would like to remember to practice the music i have for my different groups. one reason i don't is because even during the day silence is unnerving. i always have youtube playing in the background to have some ambiance noise playing. i'm also considering playing nier automata on very easy just to go through the story one, and because in my current save i don't know if i'm able to continue.

i didn't make a log yesterday. i woke up at around 1130 and did my morning and evening treatments. then i had a rough night. i checked my blood glucose around 2 in the morning before going to bed, it was just under 300, so i took 8 units of basaglar and 5 units humalog. i went through two intense dizzy rushes, and checked my glucose again, it was 49. i checked my pulse, and i felt my blood pressure was low, which i think was causing the dizziness. i had two glasses of orange juice, an ensure plus, three bowls of cereal. then i got up at 12. i really need to shower today. i'm going to get up in just a minute and do that.

i woke up at 1130 today, did my morning albuterol, pulmazyme, tobi, and orkambi. i haven't been monitoring my blood glucose levels. and this evening i've repeated my treatments. i'm setting an alarm for 10 and i might be able to stay awake then.

i stay up until 3 in the morning because silence, darkness, and isolation are unnerving to me. even in these moments when i'm typing on my laptop, i'm physically uncomfortable here by myself, which also explains why i've never made an effort to move out. this also explains the times when i go to my dads bedroom to sleep with him, because at least some company is a comfort. on more than one occasion i've asked myself what the worst thing that could happen would be, and of course i knew that there really wasn't an answer. in response, i've then asked myself what the worst thing i could imagine was, regardless of how realistic it was, and i know that it is a very bad question because i've come up with a few good answers. i've imagined things that i don't even want to say out loud. and i've done this to myself several times now. the best thing i can figure to do in these moments that i've created is to try my best to think through these fears i've been summoning. i don't know how well i've been doing on that front, though. as i've said, i can come up with a few good answers, and they're difficult to think through. i think i'm going to head over there right after this, i keep hearing something and it makes me very uncomfortable.

i haven't made a log yesterday. two days ago my head was in the wrong place. yesterday was better. i've felt pretty good right now. i went grocery shopping. ever since i've added more potassium and fewer carbs to my diet my grocery budget has gone from around 70 dollars to between 130 to 160 dollars. i've been saving all my receipts and i've been meaning to itemize them for a while now. there's a box full of them and a partially filled out notebook. i haven't been making a log because i've been wondering if they help anything. i don't know what good they do. and i just end up saying i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing. i had a video chat doctors appointment the other day. i've been refereed to the department of rehab to look into employment prospects. that might have a knock on effect on my insurance and medical coverage. it would be good to have some structure in my life. i don't know if it's likely o happen.

i forgot to make a log yesterday. i woke up around 11, did my treatments and morning orkambi, i had my doctors appointment video chat and that went very well, i think it was quite productive. i did my evening treatments and i didn't sleep last night. i've taken my morning orkambi, my blood glucose is 384 because i didn't take insulin yesterday, i forgot to, i'm going to take 8 units basaglar and go to sleep

i spend today entering data from my glucose meter to a notepad file on my computer that i should probably keep up to date. tomorrow i have a video chat doctors appointment at 1. i have my alarm set for 11 in about 8 hours and caffeine to wake me up then. i've done my evening albuterol, pulmazyme, tobi, and orkambi. for all the good health i've gained, i feel terrible.

i've been doing my treatments, taking my orkambi. i don't know what else i'm supposed to be doing. i didn't sleep last night. i woke up around 1130 yesterday and i've been up since. i've been feeling pretty miserable, unresponsive, musing over suicidal thoughts. today, something i need to do is to go through my glucose kit and write down all of my numbers from the past month and email that to my doctor. my plan to take only 5 units of humalog with meals is going ok. my numbers are still high, so i may have to raise that number to 6 units with meals, but right now i'm not having any problems with potassium, so i want to make sure this is stable before moving on. i should also talk to my doctor about making this plan more official.