SMASHPOUNDX' CREEKY PROJECTOR

1961 directed by Dorish Wishman starring Davee Decker and Norman Kasserly. It’s 1961 and everyone is taking it off at the Sunny Palms Lodge. An outraged newspaper editor sends his ace reporter undercover as a nudist to discover the seedy activities of these brazen wantons. The result of this, however, is not what he intended. Blistering expose of nudism with plenty of TNT! (tits and tushie).

1964 directed by Ted V. Mikels starring Victor Izay, Julia Calda, Ave Lezli, Guido Lavotelli, Mario Barco, Bibo Tao and Marsha Jordan. Screenplay by Ted Mikels and Wayne Rogers (of M.A.S.H. fame) credited as Juan Rogero. Three oddball sex specialists discuss their most peculiar cases, which include a perverted window-dresser who is a chronic peeping-tom and a man who believes his house is haunted by nude, female ghosts, (probably as the result of watching too much porn).

1948 Western shot in Trucolor directed by William Witney and starring Roy Rogers and his horse, Trigger. And in lesser roles; Lynn Roberts, Andy Devine, Nana Bryant and Roy Barcroft. Roy is a U.S. Marshall who investigates shady goings-on between a nice old guy who just wants to help orphans and a seedy lawyer who smells opportunity.

1920 directed by Tod Browning produced by Carl Laemmle starring Priscilla Dean, Lon Chaney, Wheeler Oakman, Ralph Lewis, E.A. Warren and Stanley Goethals. Chaney plays dual roles in this crime drama set in San Fransico’s Chinatown: as the vicious and seedy “Black” Mike Silva and the subservient and goodly Ah Wing. The second collaboration between Browning and Chaney, the film is considered to be one of the first psychologically driven films of the gangster genre. The film features some terrific fight scenes.

The Manster "The Two-Headed Killer") is a 1959 American science-fiction horror film. Shot in Japan, it was produced by George P. Breakston and directed by Breakston and Kenneth G. Crane from a screenplay by Walter J. Sheldon. Sheldon's script was based on Breakston's story which he originally titled The Split. Mad Jap scientist slips American journalist a mickey he’ll never forget. He becomes more and more irritable, grouchy and downright abusive until one morning when, looking in the mirror to prep for a shave, he sees an eyeball in his shoulder, rolling around and looking back at him. The result is total freak-out. Stars Peter Dyneley, Tetsu Nakamura and Terri Zimmern and Jane Hylton in the girl parts.

Teenagers from Outer Space (a.k.a. The Gargon Terror, The Boy from Outer Space, and The Ray-Gun Terror) is a 1959 independent black-and-white science fiction film released by Warner Bros. The film was produced, written and directed by Tom Graeff and stars David Love, Dawn Bender (in the girl part), Bryan Grant, Harvey B. Dunn, Tom Graeff and King Moody. A young alien named Derek, who has a strangely Earth-like name, abandons the rest of his crew and takes off in a flying saucer to search for new life on Earth, because, alien or not, he’s a teenager and teenagers do dumb things. One of his teen crewmates is sent to find him because the aliens intend to wipe out the humans and turn Earth into a farm for giant lobsters, called Gargons, which they love to eat. The teen aliens are incredibly mean and delight in doing mean things, like vaporizing a dog with their disintegrating guns. Meanwhile Derek meets a luscious young Earth-Vixen named Betty and everything gets messed up, because that’s what girls do best.

Here it is, the Golden Turkey Awards winner of the Worst Film Ever Made, directed by that master of the bad movie, Ed Wood and starring Bela Lugosi, (basically in one scene where he cries – the old boy died during filming) and Ed Wood’s dentist who covers for Lugosi by walking around with his arm up over his face. Also starring are Gregory Walcott, Mona McKinnon, Tor Johnson, Vampira (Maila Nurmi) and the King of the B’s, Lyle Talbot. The narrator is the Amazing Criswell. Original title is Grave Robbers from Outer Space. The plot…oh, why bother, it’s basically a bunch of childish nonsense involving aliens, who for some reason are concerned with what goes on down here, who raise the dead in order to prevent a nuclear holocaust, which really makes sense. One terrific scene to look for is where one of the detectives is variously scratching his chin with his loaded pistol and pointing it at his partner to stress a point. The film’s best line is almost Shakespearean in it’s profundity; “Because all you of Earth are idiots!.”

The movie poster looks more expensive than the film and might mislead the viewer than this low-budget science-fiction horror thriller cost more than a dollar-fifty to make. 1959 directed by that master of cheap drive-in fair, Ray Kellogg and produced by Ken Curtis, who probably pumped gas for a living. It stars people you’ve never heard of, including Ingrid Goude in the girl part, and features dogs with strands of what looks like corn husks taped to their bodies. They don’t make them like this anymore.

1943 American film directed by Albert H. Kelley for Producers Releasing Corporation. The working title was Raiders of the Pacific, which sounds a lot better and probably would have lured more suckers into the cinema. It stars John Litel, Alan Baxter, Eric Blore, Georges Metaxa and Rafael Storm in one of the girl parts. A ship’s engineer named Taggart is rescued from a torpedoed tramp steamer by Joe Morgan, an all-American gangster who found New York too hot and decided to hide out as a salty fisherman operating from an tiny island off of the coast of South America. His headquarters, (all gangsters need one) is at a seedy bar and grill that caters to dirty, sweaty and unwashed characters who need girls to satisfy their filthy lust. Taggart discovers that Joe is selling torpedoes to the evil Germans.

1943 directed by Edgar G. Ulmer, (The Black Cat, Detour) for Producers Releasing Corporation. John Carradine and Gale Sondergaard in the girl part, with Sidney Toler, Frank Fenton and Veda Ann Borg as the sinister Asian. Originally called Isle of Forgotten Sins. The film features Carradine singing "Whiskey Johnny." Desperate characters are trapped together in a seedy, South Seas saloon during a fierce, windy monsoon.

1920 directed by Fred Niblo and starring Douglas Fairbanks, Noah Beery and Marguerite de la Motte in the girl part. This genre-defining swashbuckler adventure was the first movie version of The Mark of Zorro. Based on the 1919 story The Curse of Capistrano by Johnston McCulley, which introduced the masked hero, Zorro, the screenplay was adapted by Fairbanks (as "Elton Thomas") and Eugene Miller. The film was produced by Fairbanks for his own production company, Douglas Fairbanks Pictures Corporation, and was the first film released through United Artists, the company formed by Fairbanks, Mary Pickford, Charlie Chaplin, and D. W. Griffith.

1943 low-budget World War II film directed by William A. Berke and starring Richard Arlen, Russell Hayden, Guin “Big-Boy” Williams, (hate to know what the “big-boy” refers to) and Jean Parker in the girl part. The film was distributed by Paramount Pictures. LT. Richard Houston (Richard Arlen) is an officer in the U.S. Navy who deserted during service to escape gambling debts, and took up life as a filthy hobo. But when the evil Japs attack Pearl Harbor he re-ups under the phony name Jim "Tennessee" Smith. Houston is assigned to serve aboard a minesweeper, where he carries out numerous successful efforts to defuse mines in the San Diego harbor while struggling to keep his identity secret. But then a girl shows up and everything goes to hell.

1964 American International Pictures based on the 1954 novel I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. It stars Vincent Price and Franca Bettoia in the girl part. The screenplay was written partly by Matheson, but he was embarrassed by what he'd done and chose to be credited as "Logan Swanson". The Earth has been infected by a weird plague that turns people into blood-craving vampires who walk real slow and are dumber than rocks. Vincent Price is Dr. Robert Morgan whose home looks like a cheap trailor. He’s taken it upon himself to kill as many of them as he can, probably because there’s nothing else to do, and he dumps the bodies in a giant pit. Part-way through the film he meets an actual live person, who just happens to be a sexy Italian vixen who is part of a group of live people. To say this film is ultra low-budget would be to make it sound more expensive a production than it is.

1933 directed by Henry Hathaway and starring Randolph Scott, Esther Ralston, Noah Beery Sr., Jack LaRue, Buster Crabbe, Gail Patrick, Fuzzy Knight and featuring John Carradine, Shirley Temple and Richard Cording. From a novel by Zane Grey. In ‘Ole Kentucky, thar’s a feud brewin’ between the Colby’s and the Haydens. Both families hate the piss out of each other and don’t know why. But it sure is fun taking shots at each other, until a couple of young folks from each family fall in love with each other and screw everything up.

1943 directed by Sidney Lanfield, starring Jack Benny and Priscilla Lane in the girl part; and also Edmund Gwen, Anne Revere and Eddie Anderson. Based on a play that starred George M. Cohan, who produced it on Broadway. Mild-mannered Jack Benny is a young lawyer with a heart. In fact he’s so nice he won’t demand payment from clients who are poor and he only takes on those he believes are truly innocent, which is no good if you’re a lawyer. So he and Rochester pack up and move to the Big City, (New York), and becomes a fire-breathing meanie, which puts him in bad with the girl he loves.

1959 directed by Ray Kellogg and produced by Ken Curtis. Ultra low-budget teenage drive-in movie starred Don Sullivan, a veteran of several low budget monster and zombie films, and Lisa Simone, the French contestant for the 1957 Miss Universe, as well as comedic actor Shug Fisher and KLIF disc jockey Ken Knox. The effects included a live Mexican beaded lizard (not an actual Gila monster) filmed on a scaled-down model landscape. Also featured in the movie is one really dumb song.

1937 directed by Mack V. Wright starring Robert Livingston, Ray “Crash” Corrigan, Max Terhune and Rita Hayworth in the girl part. Seedy, greedy rancher McGowan wants to have a wild horse sanctuary closed, so he can capture and sell them, if you can believe such a thing, while Tucson schemes to break up Stony's marriage to a hot, young, sexy and lust-filled saloon girl played by busty Rita Hayworth. Will the Mesquiteers save the horsies and will Tuscon convince Stony to choose them over this “Yoko Ono,” would break up The Three Mesquiteers.

1936 directed by Joseph Kane starring Robert Livingston, Ray Corrigan and Max Terhune as the Three Mesquiteers: Stony, Tuscon and Lullaby. Also starring Kay Hughes in the girl part, LeRoy Mason, Burr Caruth, Yakima Canutt and, believe it or not, F. Herrick-Herrick. (Heh). Having earned a tidy sum from the sale of some cattle, The Three Mesquiteers (cowboys not barbequers) send compulsive gambler Lullaby to the bank to deposit their cheque, which shows good sense. On his way to the bank Lullaby stops at a seedy roadside carnival for a refreshing bit of Three Card Monte and wins a ventriloquist dummy named Elmer. While this is going on, the bank they were supposed to go to gets robbed by some bad guys, (henchmen?) and the crooks hide their loot in an old ghost town, spurring The Mesquiteers to saddle up and ride into danger.

Frozen Alive (aka) Der Fall X 701 is a 1964 British-German international co-production science-fiction film directed by Bernard Knowles. It stars Mark Stevens, Marianne Koch, and Wolfgang Lukschy. The film was released in the US in 1966 on a double bill with Destination Inner Space. Scientists Dr. Frank Overton and sexy vixen Dr. Helen Wieland are experimenting in Berlin with "deep-freezing" chimpanzees (let’s face it, being a chimp sucks even more than being a cow, chicken or pig – at least they’re not used for crazy experiments) and thawing them out unhurt. Overton decides to use himself as a human test subject, but then he is wrongly accused of murdering his philandering wife, and the police believe that he is attempting to avoid arrest. (What better way to avoid arrest than to deep-freeze yourself). Looks like it was shot on a shoe-string budget….one shoestring not two.

1966 directed by William Beaudine and starring (oh, why bother. It’s a no-name cast). Jesse James arrives in town with guns ‘a-blazing, and meets up with the evil, sinister and no-good brain-obsessed grand-daughter of the infamous Dr. Frankenstein. Like her grandfather, the evil minx, who, for some reason is living in the Wild West, is carrying on “experiments” on innocent little immigrant children. Will Billy and Madame Frankenstein find love and happiness in the Old West, or will their evil shenanigans go topsy-turvy then fall to pieces in a mess of doom, gloom and…Kaboom!

1945 directed by Sam Newfield starring Buster Crabbe, Al St. John, Donna Dax, Charles King, Karl Hackett, Eddie Hall and Frank Ellis and John L. Carson as the Two Henchmen, Frisco and Butch. Billy Carson in hot pursuit of the villainous murderer who killed a guy tracks him to the town of Red Rock, where Fuzzy Q. Jones is Justice of the Peace, town marshal, barber and horse doctor.

1942 directed by Sam Newfield starring Buster Crabbe, Al St. John, Caroline Burke, John Merton and Jack Ingram, Slim Whitaker and Kermit Maynard as the Three Henchmen; Henchman Trigger Larson, Henchman Rufe and Henchman Joe. Escaping from the Marshal, Billy and Fuzzy ride to Laramy only to find it a ghost town. The seedy Sykes and his villainous henchmen have scared everyone away so they can look, undisturbed, for the gold mine of some poor sap they just killed. Billy goes undercover as a Mysterious Rider in order to teach the bad guys a lesson.

1945 directed by Sam Newfield starring Buster Crabbe and his horse, Falcon. And in lesser roles: Al St. John, Karl Hackett, Arch Hall Sr. and Roy Brent, Bud Osborne, John Cason and Brent McCarroll as the Four Henchmen; Yeager, Magill, Jarrett and Madison, which is a girl’s name. When a group of Henchmen start running the goodly sharecroppers off their land, the call rings out for Billy, who’s always ready to right wrongs and seems to have no need of making money. When the leader of the sharecroppers, who also happens to be Fuzzy’s twin brother, is killed by the Henchmen, Fuzzy pretends to be his twin brother’s ghost and scares the Henchmen into behaving, which makes them feel so awful and ashamed of themselves they leave town.

1945 directed by Sam Newfield starring Buster Crabbe, Al St. John, Sydney Logan, Charles King, Emmitt Lynn, Ed Cassidy, J. Stanford Jolley, and George Chesebro and Kermit Maynard as the Two Henchmen. Fuzzy is downright annoyed that the ranch hands spend their time and money at a saloon where they lose their money drinking and gambling. Fuzzy decides to buy the saloon to keep an eye on the men and moderate their vices, (and profit off them) but a seedy lawyer has other ideas and plans to use black murder to get his way.

1944 directed by Sam Newfield and starring Buster Crabbe, Al St. John, Frances Gladwin, Charles King, Marin Sais as Ma Clark, Emmitt Lynn as The Judge, Ed Cassidy as The Sheriff and Kermit Maynard and Jack Ingram as the Two Henchmen. Billy’s out looking for rustlers because it’s what you do on a nice day, and he gets in a gunfight and kills someone in self defense. He gets thrown in jail and, even though the Judge finds him innocent, he leaves him in jail, ostensibly to show him who’s boss, but then the rustling starts up again….