Welcome to Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII everyone (or as it should be called, Final Fantasy XIII-3). I started this trainwreck two years ago, and now it's time to finish it. Does the series continue the slight improvements that FFXIII-2 brought to the table? Or does it crash and burn, destined to be ranked towards the bottom of mainline FF game tier lists? Eh, it's a little of both.

500 years have passed since the disastrous ending of FFXIII-2, and things have changed pretty radically. I mean, not THAT much, but enough to where I have no idea what the hell this world is or who's in it.

We immediately change into some more aesthetically pleasing clothes for Lightning before getting to work on this mysterious serial killer case. Gosh, I wonder who it could possibly be.

Etro may be long dead, but that's not going to stop these guys from murdering rose-colored hair girls in her name. The white robes seem a little on the nose though, although this series isn't well known for its subtlety.

Time passes quickly for the most part, but that's not always the case in this game. Access to the murder ritual is only granted to people with the numbers, so we're on the hunt for that... in-between weird cutscenes with this little girl of course.

We've got time until we can kick Noel's ass back in Luxerion, so let's burn some time in Yusnaan, the city of pleasure. I'm so happy to see Snow's character has finally changed, even if it literally took about 1000 years.

We still can't solve this murder mystery until midnight for some reason, so the tour of Yusnaan continues! Some of these guys aren't nearly as tough as they look.

An unlucky rose-haired girl escapes the death cult with her life, in part because Noel isn't as bad as everyone apparently thought. And he didn't have any association with the Cult of Etro to begin with? I dunno.

The truly ridiculous outfits we have for Lightning in this game start to show up, and of course they're some of the strongest possible ones. Will they take away from the emotional weight of the story? Yeah, probably.

Time to break into Snow's pleasure fortress, and to do it we're going to need fireworks. Like, a lot of fireworks. Enough to kill some people, apparently.

We get a dress from the colosseum that even I can appreciate the aesthetics of, and Lightning puts on a show for the masses all before blowing up this entire set.

I get to live a lifelong dream and beat Snow into submission! In all seriousness though, it's a fun battle, and this is the only game of the trilogy where I'd call Snow at all compelling as a character.

Oh hey it's Vanille! The perpetually 17/18 year old girl who's actually like 1500 years old at this point. And she has a funny hat. Good times.

Snow's back to his old self and Yusnaan is all wrapped up, so time for the next area. Pretty typical desert level, except this one is much, much deadlier than the two cities we've been to up to this point.

Oh man, another character we have in battle alongside Lightning! Who could it possibly be!?!?!?!? My favorite character of course, wow, this game was tailor made for me.

Tombs! Traps! Holy objects! Skeletons! All this and more, in Final Fantasy meets Indiana Jones in the middle of the desert. These doors are a real pain, let me tell you.

It's mcguffins on top of mcguffins as far as what it's going to take to open this stupid door, and the layout of this place just isn't helping at all.

We're just about done with this endless fetch quest, as the Dunes are now completely explored and all this ancient prophecy is laid out before us. Now for the chalice!

Finally, the big bad of the Dunes, and boy is he scary looking. Glad to have this place behind me, this was quite the runaround.

Lightning dons the most ridiculous costume in the game so far, as we set out for the last big area that the end of times has to offer.

This rather stubborn chocobo is the only way to reach that ominous castle at the top of the wildlands, and it's going to take more than a little bit of work to get him up and ready to go again.

We make contact with the weirdo people out in the hunting village in the middle of the woods, and of course I have to get all of their tedious chores done around here.

The best character in the franchise is alive and well everybody, now I can just wait until the end of the world and die happy.

Oh yay, talk of hearts and souls and the power of friendship and if I'm ready to fight my friends. Never heard THIS before...

Our chocobo pal is at full heath, which means it's time to go after the big bad of this area. But there is one certain guy we need to have a chat with first, even if he's not exactly happy to see us.

Put me out of my misery, I thought we were done with this droning nonsense from FFXIII-2. I'm so tuned out at this point it isn't even funny.

TAKE THAT CAIUS. NO REGEN FOR YOU THIS TIME. I can end this game happy now, that was all I wanted to do. See you in hell, buddy.

Sazh got the short end of the stick overall when it comes to the original XIII cast, but that doesn't mean his one big cutscene in the game can't tug at the heartstrings.