Hard Archive Greatest Slaps
HardArchive
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1
Don't Test Me B*tch (1964)
2:25

Don't Test Me B*tch (1964)

#classicvinyl #strictlyvinyl #vinyl #vinylrip #nostalgia #music #obscurerecords #obscurevinyl Cornelius "Backhand" Jackson was an anti-feminist men's rights activist who was willing to do what needed to be done to get women back in the kitchen once and for all. From your lips to his fist, this standout hit makes you wanna fist bump in more ways than one. Needless to say "Don't Test Me B*tch" was ahead of its time but now considered classic, even prophetic. Lyrics [Verse 1] All you do is talk talk talk But you never listen (can you hear me!) Get your ass back in the kitchen And make me some chicken [Turnaround] Don't test me bitch (Don't test me bitch) [Verse 2] My pimp hand is strong And my patience is thin (so thin) Quit all your bitchen, Get back in the kitchen (I'm hungry) [Turnaround] Don't test me bitch (Don't test me bitch) [Chorus] Do not test me bitch I will use my fist I will smack your lip I will bust your shit [Bridge] Talk back one more time (just one more time) And this will be the scene of a crime [End] Try me bitch I dare you (double dare you bitch)
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2
I'm STILL Whooping That A** (1969)
2:08

I'm STILL Whooping That A** (1969)

#classicvinyl #strictlyvinyl #vinyl #vinylrip #nostalgia #music #obscurerecords #obscurevinyl You thought "I Whoop That A**" was over? This a** whooping session went on so long it wouldn't fit on only one side of this hit record. You forget to flip the record and listen to the B side. Soul group known as the "The Line Steppers" were known for habitually fighting with everyone including each other. So much so that both sides of their hit single 45 record "I Whoop That A**" come from the same infamous studio session that ended in a whooping stick brawl. Similar to how James Brown was known for calling out the song changes in real time and fining band members for missing their parts, "The Line Steppers" band leader Charlie Murphy was known for whooping his musicians a**es if they messed up. [Verse] I'm still whoopin All throughout the town Gonna let them know I don't f*** around I whoop that a** Until its all shitty Spank that a** Like you owe me three fitty No I ain't playing I'm here to whoop a** Whoop that a** No time for lunch break I'm the one who brings you pain in the night I'll whoop that a** till the morning light [Verse 2] Already told you I do not play I'll beat that a** every single day I whoop that a** Up and down the block Spank that a** Til they call the cops
3
B*tch Slap! (1976)
2:20

B*tch Slap! (1976)

#classicvinyl #strictlyvinyl #vinyl #vinylrip #nostalgia #music #obscurerecords #obscurevinyl Dennis "Diamond Hands" Reynolds was the original power slap champion back in the early 70s. He recorded this hit party funk single "B*tch Slap" as an ode to his ex bottom b*tch. Lyrics [Verse 1] Asking for dinner ain't asking for much You had one job and still f*cked it up Sometimes you gotta learn respect I use my pimp hand to correct [Chorus] Its called a b*tch slap (b*tch slap!) Come get your face clapped (face clapped!) Come get your lip smacked (smack smack!) You need a b*tch slap (oh oh yeah!) [Verse 2] I make money but you spend it all Don't make me leave to get some menthols I won't wait to ditch you b*tch Before I go just one more hit [Chorus] Its called a b*tch slap (b*tch slap!) Come get your face clapped (face clapped!) Come get your lip smacked (smack smack!) You need a b*tch slap (oh oh yeah!)
4
Daddy's Belt (1967)
2:12

Daddy's Belt (1967)

#hardarchive #classicvinyl #strictlyvinyl #vinyl #vinylrip #nostalgia #music #obscurerecords #obscurevinyl This hit single by Sammy "Bo" Jackson was a Fathers Day favorite played by dads everywhere. Sam's own father use to sing a version of this song to him before he would go get his belt. Sam's father didn't like the incoming fashion of skinny ties and thin belts, and in response he started his own collection of giant over-sized ties and belts. 'Needless to say' his children, including Sammy "Bo", were the most well behaved children in their entire town. Lyrics [Verse 1] All day long all you do is play you never seem to want to obey Just wait until daddy gets back This belts gonna whoop that a** [Verse 2] Kids have a hard time listening Dads got a black belt in discipline I pity the fool who eats the last rib Do not test me kids (oh sh*t!) [Chorus 1] Son its gonna hurt like hell Feel pain like you've never felt Give your a** a giant welt When daddy gets his belt (Woo! yeah) [Bridge] If you break my turntable (turntable) I will make you disabled (disabled) Don't you dare scratch daddy's car (oh no) Or he will leave you a bad a** scar (yeah!) [Verse 3] Daddy's belt is completely unstoppable With pain that seems physically impossible Hope you stayed out of trouble today Cuz daddy is on his way (oh sh*t!) [Chorus 2] Son its gonna hurt like hell Feel pain like you've never felt Give your a** a giant welt When daddy gets his belt (Woo! yeah) [Chorus 3] Son its gonna hurt like hell Feel pain like you've never felt Give your a** a giant welt When daddy gets his belt (Woo! yeah) [Outro] Daddy's gonna whoop that a** oh yeah
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5
Pool's Closed (1984)
2:26

Pool's Closed (1984)

#hardarchive #classicvinyl #strictlyvinyl #vinyl #vinylrip #nostalgia #music #obscurerecords #obscurevinyl #funk #80svinyl #80sfunk This funk single by "Nick Ross and The Patriots" was released at the peak of the a*ds fear ep*demic / media prop*ganda campaign during the early 1980s. Nick wrote this song to mock the fear and paranoia being spread by the g*vernment and media, which at that time was making people afraid to swim, even in the middle of a summer heat wave. Lyrics [Verse 1] We're in the middle of a heat wave But you need to close the pool today No joke its a serious matter You need someone to block the ladder [Verse 2] Had to slap a b*tch right in the face She was bleeding all over the place Now the water may test positive Best close the pool if you wanna live [Chorus] Pools closed (pools closed) Pools closed for today Pools closed (pools closed) Pools closed due to a*ds [Bridge] Summer is here can't get any hotter But we can't swim because there's blood in the water Don't swim if you don't wanna get a*ds Don't swim unless you're already g*y [Verse 3] I cut a b*tch on the water slide Stuck in the tube cuz her a** was too wide Now there's aids at the water park More dangerous than swimming with sharks [Outro] Block the ladder, block block the ladder Block the ladder, block block the ladder You don't wanna get aids b*tch
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6
You Drive Like Sh*t (1965)
3:00

You Drive Like Sh*t (1965)

Introducing 'You Drive Like Sh*t' - the vinyl that proves even if her driving skills are questionable, her taste in music is impeccable. Nieces and nephews, pop this on the turntable, sit back, and enjoy the ride... just make sure you're holding onto something! Lyrics [Verse 1] Baby! You drive like sh*t Did you see that car that you almost hit I'd rather take the bus instead Riding with you I'm gonna end up dead [Turnaround] Don't ask me if I need a lift Baby you drive like sh*t [Verse 2] She just ran through a four way stop I ain't trying to get stopped by the cops Baby! Why the hell did I let you drive Its a miracle that you're still alive [Turnaround] Don't ask me if I need a lift Baby you drive like sh*t [Chorus] Woah woah woah woah Look out! My girl is driving Watch out! My girl drives like sh*t Woah woah woah woah Look out! My girl is driving Watch out! My girl drives like sh*t
7
Coexist With My Fist (1973)
2:05

Coexist With My Fist (1973)

#classicvinyl #strictlyvinyl #vinyl #vinylrip #nostalgia #music #obscurerecords #obscurevinyl #funk #70sfunk Rare mono 45 funk single by singer and Vietnam war vet Seymour Tamzarian. This song was about Seymour's experience playing at a large outdoor music festival similar to Woodstock in the late 1960s where Seymour had accidentally ingested LSD by eating a laced sugar cube. Seymour began experiencing hallucinations which triggered his PTSD causing him to start randomly punching audience members while laughing hysterically. To this day some claim that Seymour had made up the story about LSD and was simply using it as an excuse to beat up hippies. Lyrics You're all about peace and love But you look like a f*cking bum Your slogan is f*cking dumb I'm singing die hippie scum F*ck off with your hippie sh*t Coexist with my fist If I don't get peace and quiet This drum circle will get violent F*ck you and the environment F*ck your g*y enlightenment F*ck off with your hippie sh*t Coexist with my fist Incense weed and patchouli The hippie smell is unruly Wear a bra and shave your pits Take a shower dirty b*tch F*ck off with your hippie sh*t Coexist with my fist If you keep playing Grateful Dead I will kick you in the head It's part of nature to get your a** kicked Don't worry my fist is all organic
8
B*tches Do Dishes (1978)
3:14

B*tches Do Dishes (1978)

#hardarchive #classicvinyl #strictlyvinyl #vinyl #vinylrip #nostalgia #music #obscurerecords #obscurevinyl #funk #70svinyl #70sfunk This funk single by "Thurgood Jenkins and The Custodians" was a smash hit all across the USA, from Hell's Kitchen to Spatula City and beyond. Thurgood had two part time jobs to help make ends meet, one job as a janitor and one as a dishwasher. After a long day of work, the very last thing Thurgood wanted to do was wash dishes. Lyrics [Verse 1] Dinner is over but your still not done I see these plates and cups stacking up You better finish all of your work or dessert is really gonna hurt [Chorus 1] In this kitchen b*tches do dishes (Do the dishes) B*tch do the dishes In this kitchen (In this kitchen) In this kitchen b*tches do dishes [Verse 2] Baby I'm trying to eat this pork But I can't even find one clean fork If you don't make it clean and spiffy I'll take your a** to spatula city [Chorus 2] In this kitchen b*tches do dishes (Do the dishes) B*tch do the dishes In this kitchen (In this kitchen) In this kitchen b*tches do dishes [Verse 3] Step one hold your tongue and grab a sponge Step two you grab a mop and a broom Don't stop til the kitchen is spotless I expect you to do it topless [Chorus 3] In this kitchen b*tches do dishes (Do the dishes) B*tch do the dishes In this kitchen (In this kitchen) In this kitchen b*tches do dishes
2 comments
Super Hand (1975)
2:42

Super Hand (1975)

#hardarchive #classicvinyl #strictlyvinyl #vinyl #vinylrip #nostalgia #music #obscurerecords #obscurevinyl #funk #80svinyl #80sfunk This funk single by "Stan Lee Hooker" is said to be based on real events Stan witnessed during his decade long friendship with fellow singer and musician Cornelius "Backhand" Jackson. Lyrics [Verse 1] I'll tell you the story of a man A radioactive pimp bit his hand His hand grew ten times it's normal size To help him get his money on time He knew if a b*tch was telling a lie Which was one hundred percent of the time Super powers to make a b*tch listen Then get her naked with s*x ray vision Leap a police station in a single bound Slapping bitches down to the f*cking ground His name was famous across the land They called him the pimp named super hand [Chorus 1] (Oh sh*t yeah) it's pimp named super hand He had powers no other pimp had (Oh f*ck yeah) it's pimp named super hand That mother f*cker was super bad [Verse 2] He was given super human strength He could hear the cops from miles away Played the funkiest music ever played I heard him sing "B*tch I wear a cape" Pimp hand fast as a speeding bullet That makes a b*tch pay up to the fullest He hates snitches more than kryptonite and when stupid bitches just can't act right Super hand don't put up with lying He will crush a cold b*tch in to diamonds B*tch better have his money on time Or super hand will do a super crime [Chorus 2] (Oh sh*t yeah) it's pimp named super hand He had powers no other pimp had (Oh f*ck yeah) it's pimp named super hand That mother fucker was super bad [Chorus 3] (Oh sh*t yeah) it's pimp named super hand He had powers no other pimp had (Oh f*ck yeah) it's pimp named super hand That mother fucker was super bad [Outro End] Oh sh*t b*tch mother f*ck yeah oh yeah
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10
Thou Shalt Not Test Me B*tch (1524)
1:44

Thou Shalt Not Test Me B*tch (1524)

#obscurevinyl #obscurerecords #strictlyvinyl #vinyl #vinylrip #nostalgia #music #classicvinyl #bardcore #tavernwave #neomedievalmusic Hark, fair ladies and gentlefolk, gather ye near and hear a song from yesteryear. I present ye an hit single written and performed by Sir Bartholomew Jackson. Lyrics [Verse 1] All thou dost is talk talk talk But thou never listen (can ye hear me!) Get thine a** back in the kitchen And make me some chicken [Turnaround] Don't test me b*tch (Don't test me b*tch) [Verse 2] My pimp hand is strong And my patience is thin (so thin) Quit all thy b*tchen, Get back in the kitchen (I'm hungry) [Turnaround] Don't test me b*tch (Don't test me b*tch) [Chorus] Thou shalt not test me b*tch I will use my fist I will smack thy lip I will bust thy sh*t [Bridge] Talk back one more time (just one more time) And this will be the scene of a crime [Turnaround] Try me b*tch, I dare thee (Double dare thee b*tch) [Verse 3] My pimp hand is strong And my patience is thin (so thin) Quit all thy b*tchen Get back in the kitchen (I'm hungry) [Turnaround] Don't test me b*tch (Don't test me b*tch) [Chorus] Thou shalt not test me b*tch I will use my fist I will smack thy lip I will bust thy sh*t [Turnaround] Don't test me b*tch (Don't test me b*tch) [Chorus] Thou shalt not test me b*tch I will use my fist I will smack thy lip I will bust thy sh*t [Outro End] Try me b*tch, I dare thee
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Super Hand (1975)

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8 months ago
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Music Comedy rare vinyl memes comedy music comedy album parody satire nostalgic vinyl vinyl vinyl rip hilarious vinyl

#hardarchive #classicvinyl #strictlyvinyl #vinyl #vinylrip #nostalgia #music #obscurerecords #obscurevinyl #funk #80svinyl #80sfunk
This funk single by "Stan Lee Hooker" is said to be based on real events Stan witnessed during his decade long friendship with fellow singer and musician Cornelius "Backhand" Jackson.

Lyrics

[Verse 1]
I'll tell you the story of a man
A radioactive pimp bit his hand
His hand grew ten times it's normal size
To help him get his money on time
He knew if a b*tch was telling a lie
Which was one hundred percent of the time
Super powers to make a b*tch listen
Then get her naked with s*x ray vision
Leap a police station in a single bound
Slapping bitches down to the f*cking ground
His name was famous across the land
They called him the pimp named super hand

[Chorus 1]
(Oh sh*t yeah) it's pimp named super hand
He had powers no other pimp had
(Oh f*ck yeah) it's pimp named super hand
That mother f*cker was super bad

[Verse 2]
He was given super human strength
He could hear the cops from miles away
Played the funkiest music ever played
I heard him sing "B*tch I wear a cape"
Pimp hand fast as a speeding bullet
That makes a b*tch pay up to the fullest
He hates snitches more than kryptonite
and when stupid bitches just can't act right
Super hand don't put up with lying
He will crush a cold b*tch in to diamonds
B*tch better have his money on time
Or super hand will do a super crime

[Chorus 2]
(Oh sh*t yeah) it's pimp named super hand
He had powers no other pimp had
(Oh f*ck yeah) it's pimp named super hand
That mother fucker was super bad

[Chorus 3]
(Oh sh*t yeah) it's pimp named super hand
He had powers no other pimp had
(Oh f*ck yeah) it's pimp named super hand
That mother fucker was super bad

[Outro End]
Oh sh*t b*tch mother f*ck yeah oh yeah

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