What's the best joke you know? #jokes #joke #comedy

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A lot of people tell me I've got an addiction to brake fluid, truth is I can stop at any time.
Why do SCUBA divers fall out of the boat backwards?Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?The taste.
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?Because they're really good at it
What does a robot do during a one night stand?​He Nuts and Bolts
Much more fun to say out loud than type but,Two whales walk into a barThe bartender asks what can I get for you two? One whales goes *OOOOOoooooOOOooooooOoOOOO* (I try for dorys humpback whale impersonation here) The second whale: Go home Frank you're drunk.
Not mine, but I think it belongs to my favourite ones. "Doctor, will I be ok?""I don't know, Mercury is in Uranus right now""I don't do astronomy doc""Me neither, my thermometer just broke"
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded? De brie was everywhere.
I was in the office today and the cleaning lady asked if I wanted to smoke weed with her after work. I turned her down. I don't really like high maintenance women
Two nuns were sitting on a park bench when a naked man runs by...One of the nuns had a stroke, the other couldn't reach...
Stalin is sitting at his desk busy with paperwork when his assistant bursts into the room and says:"Comrade Stalin, there is a clairvoyant here that wants to see you, he claims he can see the future!""Send him to Gulag" says Stalin, "If he could see the future he wouldn't have come here"
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says "Make me one with everything."Bonus for philosophy nerds: Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, Descartes, I just got this new import beer in. Want to try it?" Descartes says "Hmm, I think not." and he vanishes into thin air.
I mixed up the words jacuzzi and yakuza and now im in hot water with the Japanese mafia
A man goes to a funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word. He goes to the front and says "Plethora" and sits back down. The widow leans over and whispers "Thanks, that means a lot."Edit: Thank you Everyone. I gladly will add on your lines when I retell this joke. You have all made my day brighter!
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. One guy says, “I wish I could do that.†The other replies, “... well maybe just try petting him first.â€
I had a song stuck in my head the other day and kept singing it out loud.My wife finally broke down and screamed Will you please STOP singing Wonderwall!?I said maybe
People are shocked when they find out what a terrible electrician I am.
A Proctologist walks into a bank, he needs to sign a document. He tries to sign, but he pulls a thermometer out of his shirt pocket. "Oh shit, some asshole has my pen!"
"dad, the trashman's here""tell him we don't need any"
What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?"Beat it, we're closed."
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. I asked the zookeeper about it, and he told me it was bread in captivity.
"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat'.""Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.""Is it common?""It's not unusual."
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?:makes gagging sound:I told this to my family when I was like, 11? Went over well.
Why did the blind man fall into the well??He couldn't see that well
The divorce court judge says to Mickey "Now let me get this straight Mr. Mouse, you want a divorce from your wife Minnie because she's crazy?" And Mickey says "No, I never said she was crazy, I said she was flocking Goofy!"
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?Kicked out of the petting zoo!
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?Dam.My uncle's only joke.
Two windmills are standing in a field when one asks "what's your favorite type of music?"The other says "I'm a big metal fan"
I walked into the pharmacy and asked for some deodorant“The ball kind?†“Just for under the arms is fineâ€
why does a chicken coop only have two doors? because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?Sparky
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?Because she's too big for b shellsEdit: Had no idea this was gonna blow up! Thanks all of you for all the awards!
I bought the worst thesaurus the other day. Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible!Edit: Well, shucks. Thanks for all the awards and for my most upvoted comment! You're all great, and also, you're great.