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Humor is a key likability cue that helps people feel more relaxed around you. At the same time, unexpected or random jokes can make you more memorable. Here are some hilarious one-liners and funny quotes to toss into your conversations.

After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
I tried to be normal once… worst two minutes of my entire life. 
I like to be an example for others. Usually a bad example, though. 
Common sense is like deodorant—the people who need it most never seem to use it.
I’d like to help you out today, which way did you come in?
If you can’t laugh at yourself, I can help you out.
Every woman should marry an archeologist. Because the older she gets, the more he’ll love her.
Everyone talks about the early bird’s good luck, but what about the early worm’s bad luck? 
Pobody’s nerfect!
People are like refrigerators: it’s what’s inside that matters. 
Excuse my naivety… I was born at a very early age.
Take my advice—I’m not using it.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not really sure.
Try this: Call your friend and let them know you can’t talk right now. 
I respect the opinion of everyone who agrees with me.
I’m not always hungry; sometimes I’m sleepy, too.
Patience is a virtue, but I don’t want to wait.
I’m out of my mind… be back in five minutes!
When everything in life is coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
If you want to look thin and young, hang out with some fat old people.
My parents moved around a lot when I was growing up, but I always found them.
Try this: Walk to the line for the nearest public bathroom and ask, “So, they fixed this one? Thank God! I just changed into some dry clothes.” 
I’ve always thought air was free. That is, I did until I went out and bought a $3 bag of chips.
Try this: Before you leave a room, say, “I bid you farewell!
Try this: When you shake someone’s hand, jokingly say, “I’m so glad you had the privilege of meeting me”.
Love must truly be blind because it can’t see me at all. 
The problem was he/she wanted a serious relationship, and I’m a funny girl/guy.
If plan A fails, at least there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away… if you throw it hard enough!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I’m super excited for the new year. Unfortunately, I don’t have any resolutions to make since I’m already perfect.
It’s not that I totally trust you, I’m just feeling lazy today. 
I try to have an open mind, but my brain keeps falling out.
There’re many pessimists who got that way by investing in an optimist.

Funny Things to Say to Your Friends
Laughter is known as the best medicine for a reason. It releases oxytocin, which can trigger all sorts of bonding responses in the human body. Try these funny comments with your friends.

Friends buy you lunch. Best friends eat your lunch.
I’d choose your company over pizza anytime. And that’s the best compliment I can give.
I love that our easygoing friendship fits perfectly with my laziness. 
Of all the goofballs in the world, you are my favorite.
Yours is a face that only a mother and a friend like me could love.
As much as I would love to spend time with you every day, some days, I actually have stuff to do.
If I had a glass of water and you were on fire, I would, without a second thought, ignore my thirst and pour the water on you.
You’re such a good friend that I’d be willing to give you money. Here, take these $1,000,000 bucks!
You are not someone I pretend not to see in public.
If you suddenly die, I’d immediately travel around the world to search for the seven dragon balls.
If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.
You call me your best friend, but where the heck were you when my selfie only got 4 likes?
Real friends pick us up when we’re down. But friends like you lie on the floor with us and laugh our butts off together.

Funny Things to Say to Your Boyfriend
Whether you want to brighten up the mood when your boyfriend is having a bad day, or share some stomach-aching giggles on a date, laughing together builds intimacy and is even linked to longer-lasting relationships. These cute, silly comments are a great way to make him smile.

You’re like asthma. You just take my breath away.
What do boyfriends and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
I love you with all my butt. I would say my heart, but it’s just not as big.
If you order pizza tonight, I am at your service, baby!
Do you remember the first time you bought a bottle of wine for me? That was the day I decided you were my soulmate.
If looking good were a crime, you would have been arrested several times a day.
We look so good together. A bit because of you, but mainly because of me.
If you’re macaroni, I am the cheese.
Where are you hiding your imperfections? I can’t find them anywhere. 
You’re my knight in shining armor. 
Love you! Stay gold, ponyboy.
Funny Things to Say to a Girl
Humor is scientifically proven to make you seem more sexually desirable, more intelligent, and more physically attractive. Even if you aren’t the funniest person around, you can try some of these silly one-liners or fun pick-up lines to make a girl laugh. Being a little corny never hurt anybody. 

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk around a few more times?
Excuse me, did it hurt? [wait for her to answer “did what hurt?”] When you fell from heaven.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see. 
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put “U” and “I” together. 
How much does a polar bear weigh? … Enough to break the ice.
My name is ____, but you can call me any time.
I noticed you noticing me and I want to let you know I noticed you, too.
You look so good. I’ll marry your brother just to be in your family.
You look so good I want to plant you and grow a whole field of y’all.
You must be tired because you’ve been walking through my mind all day.
Ooooh someone call the cops because it’s got to be illegal to look that good. 
Funny Things to Say in a Birthday Card
Birthdays are the perfect opportunity to celebrate the people you love and make them feel special. But anyone can send a bland “happy birthday” note on a card. Make your friends bust out laughing with one of these clever things to write on a card:

You’re one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without the Facebook reminder.
I wanted you to know it’s not my birthday yet, my birthday is [ ].
Today marks the anniversary of the day you dove into the world head-first! 
Congrats, you’re not dead yet! 
For your B-day, I wanted to give you something that was funny and charming, but then I remembered you already have me in your life. 
This is the youngest you’ll ever be.
You still look 21 from a distance!
Happy birthday to my best friend! What would I do without you and our deep conversations? My therapy bills would be outrageous. 
With all those years of wisdom, you’d think you would have more wrinkles by now.
Well, it looks like you made it another year. Congrats! 
Happy birthday, you old fart! 
Forget about the past—you can’t change it. Forget about the future—you can predict it. Forget about the present—I didn’t get you one! Happy born day, bestie!
A friend like you is like a good bra: supportive, comfortable, hard to find, uplifting, and always close to my heart! Happy birthday!
We’re gonna party like arthritis isn’t setting in and we’re too old for this crap.
Another year older, but are you getting any wiser?
Funny Things to Say on a Valentine’s Card
Valentines is the perfect opportunity to express your love to your significant other or write a funny card to your fellow singles. If you want to write something more unique before “Happy Valentines Day,” here are some cheesy lines. 

Are you a loan? Because you’ve got my interest. 
If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber. 
I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together 😉
If you were a library book, I’d check you out.
I’d let you have the last french fry. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. I am single, Can we mingle? Happy Valentine’s Day, cutie!
Roses are red, Foxes are clever. I like your butt, Let me touch it forever! Love you! XOXO.
What do you say to single people on Valentine’s Day? Happy Independence Day! Live it up today, Lady!
The day a man makes me happier than chips and queso with a frozen margarita and my best friend is the day I’ll get married. Until then, I’m glad we have each other. Happy Gal-entines, bestie!
Funny Random Things to Say in a Text
Boring texts are the bane of everyone’s existence. 

Too many text conversations end up like:

“What’s up”
“Nothing much, how are you?”
“Good”
But there’s nothing quite like LOL’ing when your friend sends you a random midday text with something hilarious.

Just beware of accidental miscommunications. Using emojis like 😜, 😂 or 😉 to make sure your friends know that you’re messing around.

You have no idea what you’ve done! (and then wait a few hours to reply with something totally random)
I’ll know you’re my best friend if you immediately delete my internet history after I die. 
Send someone a text of a lottery ticket and tell them you just won $1,000,000.
Just text someone a random word and see what happens.
Why aren’t shorts half the price of pants?
I just googled “Funny things to write in a text”
So about last night.. 😜
What’s understood doesn’t need to be explained.
Don’t forward my call, I know where you live.
Send me your location so I can kidnap you.
You’ll never guess what happened.
I think I’m gonna use my PTO… Prepare The Others because I’m not coming into work.
What did the ocean say to the other ocean? … Nothing, they just waved.
Funny Things to Say When Someone Doesn’t Text Back
Let’s face it: life gets busy and oftentimes people forget to respond to text messages. A quirky joking message a few hours later can lighten the mood and remind them that they never responded.  Cultural references to movies and TV shows can be extra hilarious ways to respond when someone doesn’t text back.

Just remember that you don’t want to come across as too clingy. Sending a bunch of texts in a row can be a sign of neediness.

Noah wrote Allie 365 letters, so I think you can text me back.
Loved your tweet!
Send “Hahahaha” and when they respond “what”, text back “Oh I was laughing because I thought your thumbs fell off and you couldn’t text anyone back”. 
Hey, I lost my phone, can you call it for me? 
Oh, so you fainted from the excitement of getting a text from me? Totally get it. Text me when you wake up😒
Omg, can you slow down? Your responses are so fast I can’t keep up.
Me waiting for your reply: ☠️
I love that super cute thing you do when you don’t reply for 10 hours🙄
I know you got my last text because Cops doesn’t start till 4. 
If this was a game of checkers, it’d now officially be your move. 
Funny Things to Say to Telemarketers
Get a good chuckle out of random telemarketing calls by surprising them with one of these ridiculous responses.

Hello caller, you’re on air! 
OH MY GOD, I’ve been waiting to hear from you all day. 
Hi there, I’m under 18 and my mom said not to talk to strangers.
Can I have your name and phone number to call you back? (They’ll probably respond “No, we don’t do that”) Oh, so you don’t want random people calling you all day?
(When a telemarketer asks if you want to hear about a product) Absolutely, but first, let me tell you about the meaning of life.
Thank you for calling! You win! You don’t have to ever call this number again.
(When they offer a chance to win a money prize) Oh nah, I’ve got tons of money.
You just won $1 million. I need your name, birthday, address, and social security number to send you your prize.
I was just calling to let you know about your car insurance warranty.
This is a test call. 
This is [location] morgue, you kill em’ we chill em’. What can I do for you?
Random Things to Say and Weird Things to Say
When you’re short on conversation starters or looking for an icebreaker, saying something out of left field can show that you’re not afraid to be goofy and you don’t take yourself too seriously. 

Two strands of DNA are walking down the street. One says to the other: “Do these genes make me look fat?”
I’m on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
What’s the best holiday present? A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I’m crazy. The tenth is just humming.
A sense of humor is being able to laugh at something that would actually make you mad if it happened to you.
Try this: Whenever someone says to you, “Have a nice day!”, stare at them and say, “Don’t tell me what to do!”
Try this: Order a pizza 15 minutes before New Years, and when it arrives, yell, “You’re late! I ordered this last year!” 
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. 
Group assignments make me understand why Batman works alone. 
Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I recently started investing heavily in penny stocks. It just seemed to make a lot of cents.
I’m so glad we have brown cows, otherwise, there wouldn’t be any chocolate milk.
Sometimes I just wish aliens would abduct me and crown me their leader.
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Key Takeaways: Make People Laugh by Saying Funny Things
Laughter is an essential people skill. Whether over text or IRL, infusing humor into daily conversations makes socializing much more fun and interesting.

If you want to be funnier in social situations, try these jokester-approved tips: 

Memorize some of the lighthearted lines from above. 
Watch more comedic movies and TV shows to get a better grasp on funny cultural references.
Say unexpected or random comments with a humorous tone. 
When you feel a little doubtful about how a funny comment will be taken, be sure to use facial expressions (or emojis over text) to hint that you are joking. 
Recognize that not everyone has the same sense of humor. Avoid jokes about sensitive or taboo topics and don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t think you’re funny.
When a joke doesn’t go over well, don’t be afraid to laugh it off and poke a little fun at yourself. Self-deprecating humor is actually shown to make people more likable. 
When you’re feeling a little doubtful about your sense of humor, remember that you can learn to be funny just like any other people skill. Check out this actionable guide on How to Be Funny: 7 Easy Steps to Improve Your Humor.

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