Reflections on a sinful past and my attempts to abide by god's righteous wrath

I feel like the fact that I had decided suicide was a sin that I might go to hell for but if god felt I couldn't stop sinning in this life anyways, I might as well condemn myself early before I sin again, speaks to my character a little, not just the sins I've committed
god gives me lessons from the school of hard knocks sort of, but I do believe he communicated that I've passed the moral character test going forwards, and whether I live or die depends on whether my ex comes back after forgiving me, since I believe god told me to stay loyal to her, and since I don't feel like being alone in this life for the next 20-40 years, my plan is to euthanize myself in a year when it becomes legally available if she doesn't come back (it'll have been 7 years by then)
note: the end when I humblebrag, is only applicable if I don't sin again
but I think one round of punishment and a true belief in god is enough to prevent me from doing anything like those again, except with my ex, but I mean, given the nature of that one and the timing, I think it'll be fine going forwards