Uncovering My Shocking Past What You Didn t Know About My Tweets
A few years ago, somebody who didn't like me went online and they dug up a bunch of tweets of mine from when I was 15 years old. And when I was 15 years old, as I mentioned, I was born and raised in the middle of bum fuck nowhere, Ohio. Like, I didn't know shit about shit. I couldn't have been more ignorant. And anybody who says they didn't do or say some shit when they were 15 years old that they shouldn't have done or don't regret is a liar. Okay, that's the time in your life. You're supposed to make mistakes, so you learn from them, you grow from them. You don't go on to make those same mistakes when you're a responsible adult, yeah? Now, if you're familiar with the song, you would know I had tweeted the N word in the song lyrics to my friend. And this was incredibly wrong. This was ignorant, naive, and stupid. I wish I had never done it. And when this resurfaced, people lost their fucking mind. I'm sorry. White people lost their fucking mind. They couldn't believe it. They thought I had just gotten away with being a racist for eight years.
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You Won t Believe How Recent Society s Sensitivity Is Comedy Reveals All
Comedy almost isn't fun, okay? Happened to adhere to everybody's sensitivities since when? That shit is so new. Remember like three years ago when no one gave a fuck about how you felt? Like three years ago if you were in public and we were like, I don't like a stranger would come up and be like, shut up bitch, I punched you in your chest. Like, ah, now I hurt on the outside and the inside. I feel like we've gotten so sensitive as a society, man.
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Uncovering Shocking Truths What You Did'n t Know About Tweets from 15 Year Olds
And the reason I wanted to talk about this is because it happened to me. A few years ago, somebody who didn't like me went online and they dug up a bunch of tweets of mine from when I was 15 years old. And when I was 15 years old, as I mentioned, I was born and raised in the middle of bum fuck nowhere, Ohio. Like, I didn't know shit about shit. I couldn't have been more ignorant. And anybody who says they didn't do or say some shit when they were 15 years old that they shouldn't have done or don't regret is a liar. Okay, that's the time in your life. You're supposed to make mistakes, so you learn from them, you grow from them. You don't go on to make those same mistakes when you're a responsible adult, yeah?
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Uncovering the Incredible Truth Behind the Happy Birthday Song
Do you have any idea what it takes to have this country literally built on your fucking back to this day, still have to fight to be treated like a decent human being and still have time to write a better version of the happy birthday song? Have y'all heard it? That shit's incredible. They got a Drake verse on there. It's incredible. Step your shit up, white people. You had such a head start.
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Uncovering a Shocking Truth About a Common Condition in Comedy
You got to get checked out. So I go to the doctor, and he's like, yeah, I got it. I'm like, up. So what do we do? He explains to me it's actually an irreversible condition, meaning it'll never just go away. You can't take medicine for it. You have to have it surgically removed from your body. I was like, all right, man, what's the damage on something like that? And he explains to me that this surgery is going to be $9,000. Nine racks. Out of pocket, mind you, because technically it's cosmetic. It's not life-threatening, so insurance doesn't cover it. $9,000 in the middle of the pandemic, which I don't know how much you guys know about stand-up comedy, but this is the first time.
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Uncovering the Truth about Friendship and Culture
At its simplest form, it just comes down to common interest and common opinion. The people who you have in common interest and opinion, those are the people you surround yourself with. Those are your real friends. Those are your real family. The world should not be split into like, oh, white people do this. Black people do this. If you try to do something another culture does, you're trying to do something that you're not. That divides us. That does not bring us together.
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The Truth About Society s Sensitivity Will Shock You
I feel like we've gotten so sensitive as a society, man. We've gotten so soft. Like fresh out the pool dick, soft. All the fellas understand that you get out that cold water, you don't even recognize yourself anymore. You're like, who's dick is this? Who put a baby dick on me? That's how I feel like we are as a society, man. Just all in soft. It's exhausting. So I'm glad we could all come together for a night of laughter. It's good to see y'all. Black people. Good to see y'all. White people. Sitting in the back. How's it feel? You're smiling. Good. I'm glad you're in a good mood. Did you say sorry today? Did you say sorry to a black person today? Get your Venmo out right now.
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The Surprising Truth About Being Attractive That You Won t Believe
Nobody likes attractive people, right? You assume their lives are easier. There's no sympathy for pretty people at all. Another thing you guys might not know about me is I have clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. You guys are just waiting for the punchline. That's how fucked up it is. I could come up here and vent to y'all, basically being like, help, and y'all get your cute ass out of here. It's not funny, awesome. It's so weird. There's no sympathy for pretty people. No one gives a fuck how sad you are if you have high cheekbones at all. People act like I don't have any problems at all. I could be crying my eyes out in bed and people are just like, what could you possibly be so upset about, huh?
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The Shocking Truth About Comedy and Sensitivity What You Didn t Know
You guys ready to be offended? Don't fucking say that and then go on Twitter afterwards like, oh Matt has some opinions of his own and my fucking career, okay? Just want to have a good time tonight, alright? Comedy almost isn't fun, okay? Happened to adhere to everybody's sensitivities since when? That shit is so new. Remember like three years ago when no one gave a fuck about how you felt?
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The Truth About Gun Control That Will Leave You Speechless
Gun control is so tricky because I see both sides. But at the same time, everybody, not everybody gets a gun, right? I think it's so easy to be irresponsible with a gun that I think a simple interim solution would be, it just needs to be a little bit harder to get the gun.
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The Secret Struggles Everyone is Facing That Will Surprise You
I'm a big fan of not judging people based on how they look. Because if there's one thing we all have in common, every single person in this room, everybody's going through something. Everybody in here is dealing with some shit that nobody else has any idea about.
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The Dark Truth About Being Beautiful What You Didn t Know
There's no sympathy for pretty people. No one gives a fuck how sad you are if you have high cheekbones at all. People act like I don't have any problems at all. I could be crying my eyes out in bed and people are just like, what could you possibly be so upset about, huh?
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Shocking revelation What s really behind my discomfort with my body
It was this freak condition that was causing the breast tissue under my pecs that bench about 285, 8-10 reps. That's neither here nor there. It was causing the breast tissue to grow incongruently under my nipples. Now, before your imaginations start running fucking wild, let me shut that down right now, okay? Whatever image you're drawing up in your head, get it out of there. It wasn't anything drastic at all. If you had never seen me shirtless before, you would never even know the difference. But you know your body, right? If something's off just the littlest bit, you notice it more than anybody else ever would. So it was just messing with me mentally. Like, I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't comfortable taking my shirt off. My Instagram was suffering. I was like, you know, it starts messing with business. You got to get checked out. So I go to the doctor, and he's like, yeah, I got it.
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Shocking revelation How a simple act could stop school shootings
Do you realize if something as simple as that was implemented, if something as simple as having sex was a requirement for getting a registered firearm, what kind of impact that would have on the entire problem? School shootings would drop off almost completely. Have you ever seen pictures of these kids who shoot up schools? They are so fucking ugly. You kind of get it a little bit. Like, they weren't fucking. There has never been a handsome school shooter that they were like, oh, he was gonna be prom king. Like, never once. Never.
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Shocking Rules Behind the Ouija Board You Won t Believe
Nobody likes attractive people, right? You assume their lives are easier. There's no sympathy for pretty people at all. Another thing you guys might not know about me is I have clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. You guys are just waiting for the punchline. That's how fucked up it is. I could come up here and vent to y'all, basically being like, help, and y'all get your cute ass out of here. It's not funny, awesome. It's so weird. There's no sympathy for pretty people. No one gives a fuck how sad you are if you have high cheekbones at all. People act like I don't have any problems at all. I could be crying my eyes out in bed and people are just like, what could you possibly be so upset about, huh?
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