RantoNZ

My parody version of Dolly Parton's "Jolene", rewritten to capture the tribulations of Iranian-born New Zealand Green MP, Golriz Ghahraman. Golriz is alleged to have shoplifted on two occasions from an upmarket Auckland clothing boutique. It looks to be the end of her political career, barring a miracle, and I for one, am pleased to sing her on her way... Lyrics: Golriz, Golriz, Golriz, Golriz, I’m begging of you please don’t take my clothes, Golriz, Golriz, Golriz, Golriz You shoplifted now everybody knows Your hypocrisy’s beyond compare, You wanted something nice to wear, But you didn’t think the price was fair, Golriz Your party’s Green as summer leaves Marama and her Forty Thieves Is the climate warm enough for you now, Golriz? You shout about the Gazan plight, And prattle about human rights, but you are an antisemite, Golriz. Now from the river to the sea, The best things in your life are free, When you’re the Minister for Larceny, Golriz. You’ll say you are a refugee, And sick as well, oh no poor me, But its no excuse for burglary, Golriz Now if you did this in Iran, The mullahs there would take your hand, But we’ll take your resignation now, Golriz. Golriz, Golriz, Golriz, Golriz, I’m begging of you please don’t take my clothes, Golriz, Golriz, Golriz, Golriz You shoplifted now everybody knows

With the general election upon us, it felt time to do a parody that also strikes a conciliatory and hopeful note. With a little luck, we'll get rid of this racially divisive government and install something that treats us all as equals. What better song to remake than John Lennon's Imagine... Imagine Original words and music by John Lennon Performance and new lyrics by Anto Coates Imagine there’s no Hipkins It’s easy if you try And no Three Waters Or Te Mana O Te Wai
 Imagine all the Kiwis, Looking forward not back… ah ha Imagine we’re one country One man, one vote, Not Aotearoa, Being rammed down our throat, Imagine all the Kiwis And true equality … eehee… You may say I’m a dreamer But I’m not the only one I hope some day you’ll join us And we all move forward as one Imagine free expression I wonder if you can Where words aren’t violence And a woman’s not a man Imagine all the Kiwis Thinking for themselves…you hoo 
You may say I’m a dreamer But I’m not the only one I hope someday you’ll join us And we all move forward as one

Well, my muse has finally left the building, not before time. Since the brilliant news of her resignation, I have been trying to find the right song to send her off. I finally found it in Gotye and Kimbra's "Somebody That I Used To Know". Enjoy! Some Poli That I Used To Know. New lyrics and performance by Anto Coates, February 2023. Now and then I think of when you were in power, Like when you told us if we gathered we would die, You started governing by decree, Removed bodily autonomy, But that was Covid, a headache if I remember. You can get addicted to a certain kind of madness, The road to hell is paved with good intent, And even when your rules did not make sense, When you’d lost the country’s confidence, You still could not admit it was over. But you didn’t have to cut me off, Take our freedom and our businesses like it was nothing, I don’t even have a runny nose But you treat me like a danger and it feels so rough No you didn’t have to stoop so low, Have your friends turn on the sprinklers and the Macarena Guessing I don’t need that though, Now you’re just some Poli that I used to know. Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over Demonising farmers while cheering on the gangs, But I don’t want to live that way Scanning into every damn cafe You thought that I would let it go but I’m here to tell you something that you definitely need to know… You didn’t have to cut and run, shut the barn door now that the horse has bolted, And I don’t even read your lies but you treat me like a child and I’ve had enough, But you didn’t have to slink away, A hasty exit to avoid your own humiliation, Guessing I don’t need that though, Now you’re just some Poli that I used to know. Now you’r e just some Poli that I used to know

This is a parody version of Billy Joel's iconic love song, "She's Always A Woman To Me". Original words and music by Billy Joel. 2022 re-write and performance by Anto Coates. The new version is an ad-hominem homage to the world's most illiberal liberal, our socialist socialite, the lockdown-loving 40th Prime Minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern. I hope you enjoy... The new lyrics are as follows: She'll Always Be Cindy To Me: She’s like tits on a bull, but the left idolise her, Our team of five million? She sold it to Pfizer It’s not chauvinism, or misogyny, She can declare her pronouns but she’ll always be Cindy to me. 

 She can pretend to care, she can furrow her brow, She can fix housing markets, just don’t ask her how, And she prints lots of money, like it grows on a tree, Blame it on someone else now that petrol’s at $3.33. Oh…. She takes care of your health. Socialism by Stealth, It’s a vast over reach 
Oh… and she’s painfully woke, and she can’t take a joke, 
 She just calls it hate speech. She’s vain to a fault, she’s flaky and fickle She’s building back better with hammer and sickle, She’s Lenin in leggings, she’s a trotting Trotsky, 
 We’re the next Venezuela, and she’ll always be Cindy to me. Hmmmmm….. Oh…. She takes care of herself, Redistributes your wealth, Waves her hands like a mime. 
 Oh… has her snout in the trough, before galloping off, 
She’s just biding her time. She tells you be kind when she’s really quite cruel, If somebody sneezes she’ll shut down your school, But she will be evicted in 2-23, But she’ll get a job by just calling Klaus Schwab 
And she’ll always be Cindy to me. 
Hmmmmmm….. Hmmmm…..

This is a parody version of When You Say Nothing At All, by Ronan Keating. The lyrics have been rewritten to pay tribute to our famously useless, constantly grinning and slightly malevolent leader, Jacinda Ardern. New lyrics and performance by Anto Coates. Lyrics... Verse 1:

 It’s amazing that Kiwis still vote for Ardern, After four years of hell, you’d think they would learn, She talks a good game, but soon you will find, A facade with nothing behind.

 Chorus:

 The smile on her face makes you think she’s not too bad, But she’s just thinking ‘bout throwing you in the Gulag, While we’re all captive and suffering, she’s having a ball… She’ll promise freedom — but then does nothing at all. Verse 2:

 We’re a team of five million, so says Madam Muck, But if you’re an ex-pat, you’re sh*t out of luck, Tune in at 1 for some indoctrination, Roll on up for your twelfth vaccination! 
 Chorus: That smile on her face says that she’ll never leave ya, But she’ll soon bugger off for a job in Geneva, 
She’s Jacindarella at midnight, departing the ball…
At least she left a shoe… she left us nothing at all. 
 (Musical interlude) Go out for dinner, you now need a permit, Don’t want the jab? You’ll soon be a hermit, Freedom is now just a memory, we barely recall, We backed the wrong horse — she’s good for nothing at all. (Repeat and fade… backing vocals “backed the wrong horse she’s good for nothing at all…”) That smile on her face, half-truths and the lies, her fidgety hands let you know she’s misleading…

When you're locked down during a global mass hysteria, you might as well dust off the pen and paper and rewrite the lyrics to one of the greatest love songs of all time. Your Song - The Lockdown Remix Original by Elton John and Bernie Taupin (1970). Additional lyrics by Anto Coates, April 2020. Performed by Anto Coates, February 2022. 

Lyrics: I’ve gone a little bit funny, being locked up inside, They say there’s a virus, and we should all run and hide, 
 I don’t have much money, now I’m on the dole, But I’m stocked up on whisky and toilet roll. 

 If I was a doctor, but then again no, Or the man, who makes models for the WHO, They don’t know that much, but doing the best they can do, Is this the Black Plague, or just seasonal flu? And you can tell everybody, to wear a mask, It’s not quite North Korea, but that’s how it starts, I hope you’ve got wine, I hope you’ve got wine,
 Enough booze for a year…

 How wonderful life is in a climate of fear. I sat on the couch, and plucked up the nerve, To see if we’ve finally flattened the curve, 
 The world’s going bankrupt, but never you fear, At least 93 year olds, will live one more year. So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do, Why has the world stopped for a bad case of flu? Anyway the thing is, what I really mean, Let’s stop being prisoners to, COVID-19. 

 And you can tell everybody, this is a farce, It’s just politicians trying, to cover their arse, Just use your own mind, just use your own mind, And remember these words, How wonderful life is outside in the world. 

Just use your own mind, just use your own mind, And remember these words, How wonderful life is outside in the world.