Powerful and Practical Questions to Change Your Marriage
Most of the counseling that I do is marriage counseling because it is in the context of marriage, where two sinful people have to live within proximity to each other for an extended period. Most other relationships have an exit strategy. Kids can leave the home—eventually. Friends can unfriend each other on social media. Like good wood, church folks can split, too. However, in marriage, it’s death or divorce, making the degree of difficulty for leaving more complex. What if a couple had a biblical strategy, creating a restorative pathway to bring hope and help to their covenant while staving off the worst possible scenario?
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Understanding Your Boyfriend’s Sexual Temptation
Strangers marry each other, and whoever you marry, you marry all of them, including their mind. Though you trust God with your future marriage partner and hope for the best, you know there is an element of mystery about how things will go because you will never be 100% aware of who your marriage partner is. Though it sounds pessimistic, it is a recognition of your finitude and your responsibility to ensure that your dating relationship is a sober opportunity for clear-headed decision-making and courageous choices. For the girl, she must understand sexual temptation, specifically how it has affected her boyfriend. As my friend, Mable, was thinking about these things, she wrote me the following letter.
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Why Men Struggle with Sexual Temptation
Sex is a beautiful thing. A sinful sexual temptation is not, but giving in to sexual temptation is worse. As fallen creatures, though redeemed by God, these temptations will always be part of our human experience. After the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, every person has struggled with distorted views of sex and sexual temptation. These problems are some of the universal assumptions you can make about anyone. We assume such things because of fallenness but not out of condemnation. We have a mutual understanding of our human condition and need for transformative grace. In this chapter, I will be addressing every man’s battle with sex.
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When the Government Acts Like a Permissive Parent
In the realm of governance and societal leadership, there exists a striking parallel to the dynamics found within the structure of family. This comparison sheds light on the profound impact of leadership styles, particularly when contrasting more liberal approaches with those grounded in structured, principled governance.
Drawing from this analogy, it's observed that a liberal approach can resemble the methodology of permissive parenting, where there is a notable reluctance, or perhaps a fear, to enforce limitations or say "no." This hesitation may stem from a desire to appease or a belief that acquiescence to every whim will curry favor, much like a parent who, out of a misguided sense of love or fear of confrontation, grants their child every request in hopes of affection or obedience.
However, this comparison invites us to consider the wisdom imparted by common sense and reinforced by biblical principles regarding love, discipline, and leadership. Scripture and experience alike teach us that true love often requires us to do and say difficult things for the betterment of those we care for. Proverbs 13:24 (ESV) states, "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."
This proverb underscores the notion that discipline and structure are not only acts of love but essential for growth and development. Just as children find security and feel loved within the boundaries set by their parents, citizens thrive when leaders provide clear guidelines and parameters that encourage responsibility, accountability, and the common good.
The metaphor of a locomotive running at full power and optimal usefulness on the structure of rails illustrates the necessity of guidelines for maximum efficiency and benefit. Without the rails—symbolizing structure and parameters—a locomotive's power becomes a destructive force rather than a means of progress.
Similarly, granting every desire without consideration for discipline or wisdom does not equate to love but reveals motivations driven by fear, manipulation, or a shortsighted quest for approval. Such an approach can lead to a "love me now and hate me later" scenario, where immediate gratification gives way to long-term resentment and chaos.
The biblical perspective teaches us that God-centered love involves sacrifice, wisdom, and, sometimes, the courage to impose limits for the greater good. This contrasts sharply with a self-centered approach that seeks immediate approval or advantage without regard for the long-term well-being of the individual or society.
The challenge, then, for those in positions of leadership—whether in government, community, or family—is to embody the kind of love that is willing to do and say the hard things. This involves setting parameters, providing structure, and guiding with wisdom, all rooted in a desire for the true flourishing of those they lead.
In essence, leadership that mirrors the biblical understanding of love and discipline promises not only the stability and progress of society but also cultivates a culture of respect, responsibility, and mutual care. As we navigate the tensions between immediate gratification and long-term well-being, let us remember that true love, both in governance and personal relationships, often requires the courage to set limits, guide with wisdom, and act with the common good at heart.
Grace and peace,
Rick
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Dr. Mark Shaw, and The Heart of Addiction
Mark E. Shaw, DMin, is the Nocatee Pastor of Counseling at First Baptist Church in Jacksonville, FL, and the Founder of The Addiction Connection (TAC). Having certifications with TAC, ACBC, IABC, and ICAADA, he offers the “Hope of the Gospel for the Heart of Addiction” in his teaching, counseling, and writing. As the author of twenty-eight publications, including The Heart of Addiction and Understanding Temptation, he leads a network of Commissioned Addictions Biblical Counselors (CABCs) who believe the Holy Spirit and the Word of God are sufficient to address addiction issues.
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Backward Porn Addiction: Drawing Attention to Yourself
Most of us understand the traditional definition of porn addiction. Typically, it’s in the context of a guy lusting after a girl. Active lust toward another person is the primary way porn is acted out in our culture, but it is no longer the exclusive twisted domain of men who won’t control their eyes and actions. There is another kind of porn addiction that is unique to women. It’s a backward porn addiction, as one lady told me during a counseling session. This porn addiction carries a similar idea of lusting, but directionally it’s different—the woman wants men to look at her. She attempts to capture the eyes of a man.
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Too Much Skin, Girl. Too Much Skin: a Plea for Modesty
While summer is an appreciated and welcomed relief from the blistering cold of winter—for those of us who have winters—it does bring a different difficulty to our lives. The summer months draw attention to our universal struggle with sex, sexuality, and temptation, with the modesty debates taking a prominent role in our conversations. The knee-jerk reaction is to blame our fallen counterparts without careful consideration of what the Bible says regarding universal depravity and every human’s temptation to turn what God intended for good into something that will tantalize our lust-filled desires. The sober-mindedness of the mature believer considers personal responsibility and communal input. These careful Christians understand sin’s complexities and their common blindspots that do not discriminate.
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Practical Soul Care: A Biblical Response to the Great Commission
Does the Great Commission apply to you? I’m assuming you are a Christian, and if so, how are you imitating the gospel and exporting the gospel to your sphere of influence? The question sounds elementary at first glance, but upon a deeper analysis, is there an argument for not obeying the Great Commission? If there is no argument, then how are you doing it? What does discipleship look like in your life? In this presentation, Rick helps us learn how to equip each other practically within their local churches.
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The Most Effective Way to Feel Better About Yourself
Newsflash: I have always known that something was wrong with me, but for the longest time, I did not know what it was. As I became older, I realized that it was an internal awkwardness, a sense of shame. To compensate for my soul dysfunction, I craved acceptance or approval from others. I fell prey to self-generated value, even manipulating others to like me. I connected my value as a human to the opinions of others. It would have been a good day if they had given me the proverbial thumbs up. If they gave me the thumbs down, the clouds rolled in as I slithered away in search of significance another way.
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What Does It Mean to Love Others As You Love Yourself?
There is confusion among some believers over Christ’s words about loving others as we love ourselves. The sticking point is about what loving ourselves mean. Typically, it runs along the lines of, how do you love others as you love yourself as fallen people with mixed motives? I see the ditches, with self-hate in one and self-love in the other. How can I love myself correctly and appropriately care for my fellow image-bearers? This concept of loving God and others as I love myself is murky to me.
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Loving Me The Hidden Agenda of Self-esteem
Thinking more about yourself is not the path to freedom. The self-esteem agenda demands that we turn our thoughts onto ourselves, spending even more time thinking about ourselves. The Bible has a counterintuitive message: The more thoughts about God we have, the freer we will be. The path to freedom is not by turning inward but upward and outward as we practice loving God and others more than ourselves, a counterintuitive, anti-cultural worldview.
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How Do You Help a Person Who Is Stuck on Herself?
Trying to be perfect in an imperfect world to garner the favorable opinion of others is a delusion that will strain any relationship, not to mention how will bind any soul to a lifetime pursuit of the un-fillable love cup. The temptation to be stuck on oneself is native to all of us because of the Adamic shame that creates an internal awkwardness, motivating the hungry soul to create a personification of themselves to convince others they are something special when none of us are—outside the grace of God. Let me illustrate how this works with my friend Mable.
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There Is a Reason You Should Love Yourself and Others
Love is a verb, an action word. It moves, always going in one direction or the other. Love will not work if it is not moving toward something. You will find it sandwiched between a subject and an object, always expecting the subject to move it toward the object. Love standing alone is a neutral concept; it cannot survive without the giver and receiver. We see this threefold cooperative requirement of love in the most famous verse in the Bible.
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Dude Pretending to Be a Girl Injures Girls
A viral video on X shows a 6' dude hurting a girl in a basketball game. He's pretending to be a girl, and after three girls went down, the coach forfeited the game at halftime.
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I’m Imperfect, You’re Imperfect, Let’s Get over Ourselves
One of the most challenging things a person will ever do is tell others the secrets of who they really are. I’m not suggesting we blab all our stuff to everyone, or even our deepest, darkest secrets that only God knows, but there is wisdom in inviting at least one trusted friend into our more vulnerable thought life, a person who can handle our unsavory truth. Ironically, many Christians will not do this even though we’re all messed up. Nobody is perfect. Too bums on the street not talking about what is apparent to both of them is odd.
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Knowing You’re Bad Is the Beginning of Being Good
One of the most counterintuitive messages for anyone to accept is their inherent badness. Most people think poorly about themselves but they will not accept that overcoming what’s wrong with them is affirming those negative thoughts. If you think poorly of yourself, you’re on the right path to wholeness. The Bible’s declaration is we are worthless. We are not good people. The culture says you are somebody. They believe that people are inherently good. The Bible says we’re not that special. I’m not speaking of self-worth that flows from the Imago Dei but a futile belief system that says we are good people outside Christ’s alien righteousness.
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How Do You Leave Your Church?
Sometimes, you can’t stay at your local church. It’s sad, but it happens all the time. You have to leave; when it happens, it’s one of the more gut-wrenching seasons in any God-loving Christian’s life. You love the Lord and His people, but for biblical and conscious reasons, and after gaining advice from helpful friends, the only option on the table is to find another local church. The good news is that there is a way to leave your church well. And there is a way to leave poorly.
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The Empty Fame of Taylor Swift: Finding True Significance in Jesus Christ
Taylor Swift serves as a powerful reminder of the fleeting nature of fame. As we strive for success, let us not forget that true significance lies in living a life that reflects the teachings of Jesus Christ.
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The Mystery and Misunderstanding About Being Worthless,
If you isolate a portion of Scripture from the narrative of the Bible’s story, you can misunderstand its meaning, complicating your life and triggering our unregenerate friends. Isolating texts is why some Christians struggle with many of the Bible’s declarations. Being worthless is one of those declarations. Imagine lifting Paul’s words about us from its context, isolating it from the whole counsel of God. It could be devastating. What did Paul mean? Why is such a harsh perspective on humanity essential to our ultimate good?
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When the Local Church Won’t Help You
“I have a question about church discipline or how you handle a lack of church discipline or involvement from the church when trying to help someone. Though I don’t have a current situation, it appears that church assistance should involve counsel, instruction, and, in some cases, the church’s discipline to restore a brother or sister to Christ. What if this is not happening? Is there still a way to help those in need? How do you engage the church’s help when the church isn’t interested in following God’s instruction? What if the person you are caring for knows the church isn’t helping and loses heart for the church or disengages from the church?” – Supporting Member
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Are You Committed to the Dearest Place on Earth?
The local church is the dearest place on earth, outside of our unique families. It is the one place where the body of Christ can gather to celebrate their King while caring for each other in all the various contexts possible. It is an amazing means of grace, where families can gather to spur one another to love and good works. Though all Christians should commit themselves to a local gathering, it’s not the case. What about you? Are you committed to your local church? Do you make it easy for your fellow church members to care for you?
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The Fallacy and Futility of Self-Esteem
Self-esteem teaching has been around for a long time. It’s one of the central planks of the culture’s gospel, which is their attempt to feel better about themselves. They, like us, realize they need help. As ambassadors for Christ, we must know how to engage cultural friends, to help them while keeping an eye on their version of psychology to ensure we don’t fall for their traps. The fallacy and futility of the self-esteem gospel are everywhere, so learning to debunk it with competence and compassion is every believer’s responsibility.
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Do You Fight Fires or Change Lives?
The best discipleship soul care happens in a community, not isolated, artificial settings where there is a disconnection between the person and the community. God can change lives in one-and-done or a season of meetings, and no reasonable person would argue against the good Lord doing just that, but the most compelling soul care needs time, people, and context. Body-to-body ministry is the primary way change happens, placing a requirement on every believer to do all they can to equip themselves to make our local churches more effective discipleship communities.
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You Need More Than Preaching If You Want to Change
The preaching event on Sunday morning and the working out of the preached Word during the week are not either/or activities. They both work together to help the Christian mature. The Christian life is not centered on the pulpit because the Christian lives his life chiefly everywhere else after the building door closes on Sunday. The person living by the preached Word on Sunday alone but not implementing contexts to work it into their soul will not mature the way God intends, or the Bible teaches.
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Learn More about the Schizophrenic Unicorn
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