2 years ago

Was beginning to feel cursed
Wasted
Losing faith in relationships
But then the police can only escort a man away from the home of his children
So many times before he starts to feel that way about shit
Thinking in my soul I know there has to be much better than this
And sitting in that prison cell long enough can also play mind tricks
I mean, how many times can a man stand a woman disrespecting his mother on her own doorstep
Before he flips
Or how many times will he refrain from just turning up and breaking the door down when she says
No
You can't see your kids

Disturbing the peace
But where is the peace in keeping a father from his child and a child from its dad
Especially when a mother knows that's something she can't give
Not to mention something she herself may've never even had
But too often when a woman feels hurt
When a woman feels scorned
What baby might need and feel ain't really the real issue at hand
It's more like what is the best weapon I have to hurt this man
Like he hurt me
How dare he leave me
Don't care if he loves his child
He ain't gonna see this baby

And there's me
Young 23
Wild and crazy
Dusting off my fatigues and dessert boots from my solo expedition
Egyptian sun still in my braids
Skin glistening
Nile water still in my system
4 years down the road
Virginia heat can't compare
And what I've been envisioning is clear
As I'm repositioning
Sitting in your passenger seat
And sweetness
I don't think you're listening
When I say I'm a stranger here
That I have never felt like this

You came out of nowhere
Unknowingly restoring my faith in relationships
And I know we've both had our fair share of crazy shit
That's how I know exactly how this feels for you
When you say you're scared of disappointment
But nothing is certain and our tomorrow is not promised
So let's just share the enjoyment
And to be honest
I've been looking forward to today
Us being here together again
You are an extraordinary person
I see myself in you
I feel like you understand me
And I want us to be more than friends
And I don't care if that might sound cliché

But these are some of the things I've been only waiting to say
Since our date
On the train
On the bus
At the show
How do I explain
To a woman I really barely even know
That I can hear and read her pain
That I'm beginning to believe there's more to our connection and it's real
How do I too let go of the fear and the pride
Of all the layers and the lies to tell you
This
Is how I feel

Phoenix James is a London based writer, poet, actor, spoken word recording artist and producer.

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