An Angry Elf Speaks

Rough translation

You see, the Western countries are not only unfriendly to our country in the economic sphere, I mean the illegal sanctions that everyone knows. But high-ranking officials of NATO's leading countries also make aggressive statements against our country. My penis is very small and my hemorrhoids hurt. Therefore, I order the Minister of Defense and the Chief of General Staff to transfer the forces of the Russian army to a special combat duty regime.