Lurking Root of Doubt, Unbelief

Journal Entry by Sister Therese
from December 16, 2021

Hello, Dear Heartdwellers. May you all be strong in faith.
So, I noticed it slightly a day ago, but it hit me today, very clearly.
In the middle of the Lord’s Supper, it dawned on me that I had a deep lurking root of Unbelief and Doubt about everything: Jesus’ messages to Mother Clare, to Mother Elisha, to Mother Elizabeth, to myself or anyone at this point. Doubt about Blessed Mother’s voice in whoever’s message. Doubt and unbelief hit as I proclaim, “This is My Body”, as I lift Jesus up. As I proclaim, “This is My Blood” and as I raise him up, shame then attacks, “What kind of priest are you, doubting in the very presence of the Lord? Failing in Faith matters in front of so many here present (in the spiritual realm). Shame on you!”
And then I cower, and I want to run away because I have failed to believe. I, being a priest who is supposed to be giving an example of faith.
Doubt hit about the Eucharist—the very issue about the Presence of Jesus — “This is just bread”—these words hit my head. My brain then tries to reason and find a physical way of explaining the Eucharist Presence (as if my trying to grab hold of Faith by reasoning). And because it cannot be explained physically, doubt begins to sow.
It has been here for a long [time]. Today it just dawned on me how strong it began to be as I noticed lately at each Supper it hits me whenever I proclaim his body and blood.
Little by little, they sow a big field of Doubts. One doubt that I let pass by, not taking it seriously, leads to another doubt, and another and another until soon enough you begin to turn your back and walk away, having lost faith, being robbed, therefore, of all of Christ and the priesthood gift in itself, and stealing your own destiny from sigh—all because of that one little doubt that crept in from a message heard on a channel that you doubted, and you did not catch it captive but let it be. Even if doubt the size of a seed, nobody would take it seriously, right, being so little? —not fighting it as ferociously as you should.
So, as I was in the Lord’s Supper I struggled—saying within myself, “With all of my might, all of my strength..”, all along the Mass at times that, “I live by faith and not by sight” after I have proclaimed the body and blood of Jesus—that I accept as a little child, and so on. I fought it but I felt it having a foothold. Truthfully, I wasn’t fully believing. Even on the day before, I found out a Sister also realized she had this same deep lurking root of unbelief that Jesus does speak to her— realizing it was Him only after his word came to pass. Therefore, we seem to live by sight, and not fully by faith.
Now it was time for the reading in the Supper, and towards the end, I stop in my boots and remained silent and stunned. How very accurate it turned out to be:
This one comes from the Second Reading, 1 John 5:1-6, but mostly the last verse which says,
“(…) And the victory that conquers the world is our faith. Who indeed is the victor over the world but the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?”
It caught my attention, and I began to ponder, it as I moved to the next one. The next one was the Gospel Reading; the one that stopped me in my boots as I realized like a BAM! on my conscience that there was a deep, real root of unbelief in the deepest parts of me—very deep—almost core-deep kind of place. The Gospel reading was from John 20:19-31.
“(…) Thomas, called Didymus, one of the Twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. So, the other disciples said to him, ‘We have seen the Lord!’ But he said to them, ‘Unless I see the mark of the nails and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.
Now a week later his disciples were again inside, and Thomas was with them. Jesus came, although the doors were locked, and stood in their midst and said, ‘Peace be with you.’ Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here and see my hands, and put it into my side, and do not be unbelieving, but believe.’
Thomas answered and said to him, ‘My Lord and my God!’
Jesus said to him, ‘Have you come to believe because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed.”
I stood in total quietness, sinking deep into these words. He knew it—and he brought it out into the open and addressed the issue before I even laid my eyes to read the readings. But to my surprise the Rhemas I had received afterward nailed the issue furthermore:
The first Rhema said:
“Accept the Kingdom of God like a little child”.
The next one was a word an angel have given to Micah Turnbo, saying,
“Do you believe in your doubt more than God? Doubt is the greatest killer in the Church. It has become an idol many worship. Let go of doubt, Heaven is waiting for those who walk in the faith of God.”
At that moment, as laid eyes on this last Rhema, I burst an instant loud shout again, “You’re right, Lord!!”
However, he had more to give on this topic. During my Adoration time around 7 pm, on every Thursday we priests try to read John chapters 13 to 17, to sink in them and eat those words of Jesus in the book. I had begun from the chapter I had previously stopped and as I read, toward the end where Jesus warns his disciples, he spoke with plain speech and revealed t truth to them very clearly. Most at the end, Jesus says (and this was taken from the Passion Translation)
“(…) For the Father tenderly loves you, because you love me and believe that I’ve come from God.
I came to you sent from the Father’s presence, and I entered into the created world, and now I will leave this world and return to the Father’s side.” After the disciples have spoken up convinced that he came directly from God, Jesus replied to them, “Now you finally believe in me.” - John 16 TPT
It rang a bell in my spirit so clearly, as if face to face with him when he had mentioned, “I came to you sent from the Father’s presence, and I entered into the created world…” I was instantly reminded of the doubts about the Lord’s presence in the Eucharist. Likewise, he descends from the Father’s presence and enters the created bread, totally changing the bread into his living cells. So, to put it. No longer bread-cells, but Jesus’-cells, changed and transformed by Holy Spirit himself—he who has the power to do whatever he wishes, thus being able to transubstantiate a created thing into a different thing. Only God can do something like that—for real.
Therefore, doubt is a killer. It can destroy a soul from faith if left to the domain of the fighting ring. It needs a K.O. [knock out] blow in the face before it is too late.
Guys, when you see a deep root in you [of] unbelief, blow it in the face. In the name of Jesus, stand your ground—proclaim, you live by faith, not by sight—and you accept the kingdom of God like a little child. May God give you the strength to face these doubts and not give in to them. Amen
END of the Day RHEMA: “I have seen your suffering and have heard your cry for help.”

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