The Protest Show with Thor Ramsey: Reasons We Believe Jussie Smollett's Attack Wasn't a Hoax

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Welcome to the Idiocracy—Banana Joe’s Republic, episode 4 of Season 2. I’m your host and hoax crime strategist, Thor Ramsey, fighting the rising tide of wokeness one joke at a time.

Today’s topic, along with some bonus Kamala Harris jokes, is…

Reasons We Believe Jussie Smollett’s
Attack Wasn’t a Hoax

In his own testimony, Smollett said he didn’t notice the noose around his neck until later. He thought the noose around his neck might have been a gift… or possibly foreplay of some kind.

It could have been a message, like, “I want to tie the knot…” Or “Do you want to hang with me?” Remember, the brothers accused of attacking him were Nigerian, which really isn’t the issue. They were bodybuilders, so English of speaking was not the language of which they spoke in tongue well like me.

Another reason I believe Jussie Smollett’s attack wasn’t a hoax:

Because I love Subway too and I’d brave subzero temperatures for a meatball footlong. Even if I was rich and famous. Besides, Jared’s a pedophile, so you can imagine that lots of people want to beat up people who are seen with a Subway sandwich in their hands.

Along with Smollett, we believe the two brothers are lying because they both told him, “We can keep a secret.”

Jussie worked out with the two brothers. We think the brothers were there as dedicated trainers who were just trying to knock an unauthorized sandwich out of Jussie’s hands. Better a swollen eye than a swollen belly.

Besides, this is a plot stolen from The Pink Panther films with Peter Sellers that no one watches anymore, so Jussie wouldn’t even know to copy such a thing. Remember, Jussie’s an actor. You have to give him his lines. He’s not a writer. “Line?” “This is MAGA country?” It’s Chicago! Even a bad writer wouldn’t expect us to believe someone would say that, which is why it must be true.

And if he really wanted to pull off a hoax in front of security cameras, why would he hire two black men? I’ll tell you why. For far too many years, redneck white men have been played by white men only. That practice is so discriminatory. If Jussie did stage this, then all I have to say is that his heart was in the right place. “If only that camera was working. That song and dance number would have blown everyone away. Ten months of rehearsal down the drain.” Hey, the Sharks and Jets dance when they fight.

Even if Jussie was faking it, that’s what actors do—they fake it. For a living. I think he should be commended for really committing to his craft even while under oath.

Besides, this case shows how much progress we’ve made in America, when you’re so privileged that you have to hire a couple of guys to be racists. But I don’t think Jussie’s that unoriginal—to pull a page directly out of the Democratic playbook and stage a white supremacy incident.

Disappointingly, he was found guilty on 5 of 6 counts. The count he wasn’t found guilty on was shooting the cinematographer.

Further investigation has revealed that right before Alec Baldwin’s handgun fired on it’s own, it yelled, “This is MAGA country!” (This will no doubt be the most obvious joke on the subject.)