2 years ago

120

He Will Finish What He Has Started
The Testimony of Sister Jahnavi

Dear Heart dwellers family, greetings to you all.
I am a Heartdwellers Ghana priest, and I come before you to share my testimony of the Lord's great mercy in my life. I was supposed to give my testimony a long back but kept on delaying it, and Lord again convicted me of laziness. Not only that, he kept sending me songs of testimony on worship playlists…I think that was very cute of Jesus.
If I describe myself, there is no single good thing to tell you. It is the goodness of the Lord, that today I am delivered from condemnation, lies, and delusion.
I live in a country where culture, marriage, and living to the expectations of society are more valued and those who follow Christ are persecuted. I come from a decent family. Both of my parents worked, and we lived a very simple life. We used to go to church, listen to the sermons and come back home and lead our lives in the world. Dad was always working, and mom used to take care of us.
Everything was fine until it was in kindergarten, I saw two girls in an immoral act, and this led me to shape my thinking and behaviour. Many such incidents followed that eventually roused in me unchecked passions and lusts. My mother sensed that in me and did try to discipline me. But I was already a slave to these desires, and out of fear from my parents, I began to hide from everyone. I appeared to act outwardly but inside these temptations grew with my growing age. Even though there was no involvement until a certain age, but I had no stopover these lustful thoughts.
Many tried to take advantage of me, neighbours, a family friend, my cousin, I was a little child then, I didn’t know I was played down but thankfully I was not completely engaged. Still, these events marked my young heart and became my second nature.
I was always in a confused state of mind, lonely, couldn’t befriend anyone and there was a great struggle inside me. I wanted to be good, but I was unable to. I used to go to church with my parents but had no awareness of sins and about Jesus. The more the holiness of God was preached my struggles intensified and my thoughts about God was that He is unhappy with me, and I can never be a good child.
I was even unhappy at school and home. I was constantly bullied because of my skin colour and at home when I tried to share with my parents, they chided me not to get affected by them. I couldn’t overcome the rejection and began to isolate myself. I became resentful and slowly gave into hatred and with this, my relationship with my parents got destroyed. I wanted to be accepted loved and appreciated. But I didn’t know why I was wrong, why I am being like this. I wanted to be good but why do I get more entangled in? All these questions haunted me rest of my life.
To escape from this misery, and to forget the pain and hurt I began to dream a world where there is acceptance and love. Whenever I faced rejection, I locked myself in dreams where I can be free to be what I am. It was a fantasy world, something I thought it existed but little I knew it was a web of lies that the enemy has spurned in me.
You would be wondering what was that? It was a dark secret place I created. If I want to vent on someone I would visualize and show anger and speak in my mind to that person. Or, if I wanted to snuggle, I would imagine someone and snuggle to them in my mind. It was an unrealistic world, a secret place where no one would scold me or hurt me. I can think and wish the way I want.
As I grew to my teenage years, I got increasingly insecure and depressed, and to gain sympathy I feigned sickness or spread malicious lies about my parents that they hate me. My friends would sympathize with me, but their words or actions gave me temporary comfort but not real happiness. My mom put restrictions on me because she was unknowingly guided by Lord himself. When mom's restriction didn’t work, Lord allowed a painful event. A close friend whom I trusted and loved very much to the extent that I opposed my parents, she accused me of something I didn’t do. I was heartbroken. I came home went into a room took a Bible and for the first time, I cried to the Lord telling him my pain and of my friend's accusation. Immediately I felt stirred and opened the Bible and I got the verse from
John 15:13-15
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
I was amazed and from then I had the habit of opening the Bible. Little did I know this habit will lead me to my destiny. I didn’t know at that time you can have Rhema words by opening the Bible. That was the foundation in my life that Lord has already laid in me. However, I was too young to understand what Lord was telling me. I thought Jesus wants to be my friend. I didn’t put any further effort to know Him and went my own way.
I was unbent nothing was helping me. My relationship with my mom continued to be stressful. But a time came in my life where I was able to come out of my misery. I had a wonderful sister in church who led me to the Lord and spoke about the Holy Spirit Rapture. My sister encouraged me to receive the Holy Spirit. And after six months of praying Lord baptized me in the Holy Spirit. For some time, I had changed and began to pray and obey my parents. But as the saying goes, old habits die hard. I was unfaithful to the Lord and went back to my old sinful ways.
When I started going to college, I became fully rebellious, worldly, and craved for more love and attention from others. I continued to put a mask in the church and in front of my parents. World attracted me and I lived a double life. I dressed soberly at home but before reaching college, I would change my clothes in a public restroom and dressed to appeal others. Even after indulging in the world, I was unable to have any happiness. Deep inside there was a void and I was tired of pretence. When I couldn’t find any comfort, I began to get attracted to a married man who was my neighbour. That was where I completely fall. Partially out of anger on my mother I deliberately choose this way. I wanted to hurt my mother. So, I began to go out with this man and went on with this relationship for two years. My character got spoiled and I went into a deeper pit.
My parents, then to save me, moved to another location. I too moved on and thought to lead a new life. But increasingly my parents, out of fear, began to control my life. They were trying to keep me disciplined and I took it as more of a prison. I wanted freedom and couldn’t bear their restrictions. So, I came up with a plan and searched for a job, found a place to stay in a women’s hostel far from the city, and ran away from home.
Do you see how troubled child I was? I was so selfish and obsessed with myself that I neglected my little brother who was suffering in all these ordeals. My parents began to search for me, I was gone for days. I called my dad's office to know about them pretending to be someone and they informed me that dad is sick. Immediately I called them and disclosed my location. And finally, again I reunited with my parents. This brought so much pain and distance between all of us. But I got back home. This was nothing but the work of the Lord.
This incident brought a deep trauma in all of our hearts. I couldn’t carry this guilt and shame in me and began to demand from my parents to move me in another location. I don’t know how my parents coped up with my behaviour, but they were afraid of losing me. So, they decided to move me to my native place, and I got enrolled in a college and began to start freshly. The old in me didn’t die, and I pretended to be a rich and nice girl. And I also pretended not to know the native language. Here I began to live a life I wanted, friends, treats, laughter, fun. I chased my dreams to do everything I wanted and was very loved by all. Truthfully, I even stole my friend’s money to satisfy my greed for things. My whole life is a lie and not reality. I lived in constant fear that my lies will be exposed.
It was this time I came close to my grandma. She was a prayer warrior and always encouraged with her stories of faith and struggles. She knew I had a calling in life. At that stage, it was really impossible for me to even think in that way. But she somehow believed.
In our culture parents fix our marriage. My grandma came to know about a man of God who is serving the Lord a little bit far from our native place. She coaxed my parents to try for this proposal. My parents were also visiting me, so it was the perfect setting for my marriage prospects. I don’t know how things worked out, my family was impressed with my husband, but I was not. God's ministry I cannot comprehend. I thought that was for righteous people not a sinner like me. My grandma and my parents didn’t give up. My parents thought I should get married early, and I just brushed it off. One day I was going back to college, I was thinking about all these incidents and suddenly I heard a voice and very gentle. It said, “When I have chosen you a godly man, why you want a worldly man?”. I was startled and I couldn’t understand but my heart changed. Suddenly I gave my consent to my parents and within two months I got married.
I thought marriage will change my life, for I believed this was the plan of the Lord. Maybe that was also part of God's plan to protect me. I am really thankful to the Lord, for my husband is a very godly man. I can never imagine I would be married in such a godly house.
For some time, my marriage was good, but problems cropped up in my marital life too. It was my same old ways. I wanted full attention and love from my husband. We live in a joint family, and I had difficulty in adjusting with their way of living. My husband's family are very simple and humble people. And I carried a worldly attitude, and I didn’t like them interfering in my life. Rather than taking it kindly, I thought, they are pinpointing my faults and are undermining me. I began to get hurt again. All the past memories flooded me, and I began to blame myself. In my heart, I believed Lord is displeased with me and my life can never be good. The more I tried to win others' approval and affection the more I got wounded. Rejection went deep into my heart. My husband tried to make me understand too. But I wanted my ways, I wanted everything well refined and good things. It didn’t sit well with my husband and then began conflicts, arguments, and quarrels too. I hated the fact that he gives more importance to his family than me. I blamed other family members for their interference in my marriage and I became extremely insecure and jealous of others. I couldn’t stand my husband passing over me for others. I fall into self-pity and depression. Everything was crumbling, I felt like a failure.
So, to counteract I tried to fast and pray for 40 days and 60 days—tried to be holy, and very much tried to discipline myself. I remember on Heartdwellers website there is a Rhema it says, “When we try to do our own way and have personal affections to do this and to do that, He destroys it so that we can depend upon Him”. That’s what happened, whatever I did, I failed miserably.
My failures lead me to think Lord dislikes me and abandoned me. I thought he is punishing me for my sins. so, I hid myself once again. I seldom left my room and slept all day fantasizing about life of my choice in my dreams. I fantasized other men, imagining love and comfort from these imaginary men and those dreams which were actually demons of fantasies. Or I would watch TV and go for shopping. I tried to invent ideas to entertain myself. I became a dramas addict or played video games and I got into the further pit of vanity. And when that was not enough to cope up with rejection, I visited dating websites and had chats with unknown people. I had online relationships and they taught destructive things, and things which violated completely my conscience and I polluted the temple of God’ my body.
[To be continued in Part 2]

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