WORLD'S MOST HILARIOUS WIFE

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WORLD'S MOST HILARIOUS WIFE

Till Death Do Us Part! 200 Funny Marriage Jokes and Sayings About Matrimony

From marriage jokes to share with a groom on his wedding day to hilariously true sayings about matrimony all women will understand to the perfect marriage jokes for a wedding speech or toast, this list of funny marriage jokes has it all.

And while these light-hearted quips and jokes about marriage might make fun of your marital status, they’re only meant to be playful—while making light of how challenging married life can be at times.

So whether you’re looking for clean marriage jokes or the best marriage jokes to share during a wedding speech, or want to include a few jokes about marriage in your wife’s anniversary card, these 200 funny marriage jokes, quotes and silly sayings poke fun at one of life’s greatest adventures: marriage.

200 Marriage Jokes
1. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

2. Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”

3. My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.

4. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

5. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

6. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time!

7. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!

8. What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

9. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see the groom drinking alone.

10. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?”“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

11. Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.

12. My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

13. Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life

14. Wife renewed me for another season.

15. Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”

16. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.

17. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.

18. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman

19. Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

20. “People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.” — Erma Bombeck

21. The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.

22. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”

23. Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”

Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

24. I know what you’re all thinking: Doesn’t the best man look great in his suit! I would like to comment that this is down to a fitness regime which includes me doing at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional – I’ve just been collapsing a lot from all the nerves and stress.

25. Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.