For mum (suicide prevention)

"On the 12th of November 2018, my worst fear became a reality when I received a call from my older brother, Riaan. He didn’t have to explain — I could tell just by his voice that it was Mum. She had struggled with suicidal thoughts for a long time.

Her life was far from easy. She was the youngest of seven children and was an unexpected baby. To my knowledge, the sexual abuse started when she was just five years old. There was a lot of distorted behaviour in her family - everything was hidden and never confronted.

She ran away from home at 15, but came back after she fell pregnant with my brother. It was around that time that she got involved with the wrong people and became addicted to hard drugs. Six years later, I was born. My parents didn’t get along and by the time I was three, it was just me, Riaan and Mum.

Things got rapidly worse from there. Mum was gang raped, beaten, abused. All I could do was watch as she became more and more numb to everything.

It was a long journey to rehabilitation. Visiting her in psych hospitals became normal. I never felt like she was truly happy and that made me deeply sad. Everybody seemed to have their opinions of my mum before getting to know her. But I knew her better than anyone, she was my best friend.

Mum had the most beautiful heart and would give anything to help those in need. She was the biggest encourager and always saw the potential in people - especially those who most people would overlook. Her laugh was loud and infectious, her smile lit up a room. She was talented, funny, and she loved animals. Most of all, she loved her children more than anything. Her dreams were to fall in love and to be loved, to make her kids proud, and to one day become a grandma.

When I found out about Mum’s death I felt as if l was standing face to face with a giant. A giant that was blocking my view of any possible future, shouting fear and doubt over my faith and laughing as though my prayers for Mum were never heard.

I’ve never experienced such pain before. The darkness was overwhelming. I was completely exhausted physically and spiritually.

I remember laying on the bathroom floor after vomiting all night, too dehydrated to cry any more tears and no ability to stand. I had lost all hope.

There’s a song by Te Rautini that says “He never told me that it would be easy, He said ‘suffering would come’ but He promised peace.”

I felt lost and hopeless, I was at the lowest of lows, but He is the Prince of Peace.

I still have so many questions and no answers, but I trust in a God whose peace transcends all understanding. I can see Mum’s life being woven into a beautiful tapestry. The beauty is revealing itself though me and Riaan already. Her life was the suffering and ours, the resurrection.

I wanted to create something that captures God’s heart in the midst of suffering. When my husband, Rory, found out the news he dropped everything and drove hours to get to me. That night he never left my side, his arms were always wrapped around me, he cried with me and carried me through. This was the perfect picture of what Jesus did for me on the cross. Through Rory, God showed me his love and care for me.

I think of my precious Mum the night she decided to take her life and I picture Jesus standing right beside her, yelling at the top of his lungs “I love you child!”

He felt all of her pain and sorrow and He loved her so much.

Cry out to Jesus - He always listens and he will answer. You are so loved by Him."

Filmed by Meg McKenna and Ylia Trotter
Song 'A Prayer' Kings Kaleidoscope