Jon Stewart Slams Dems: ‘Tonight’s Show Is Brought to You by ‘I Cannot [Bleep] Believe It’’

STEWART: “But let’s start tonight —
(Laughter)
Let’s start tonight’s show with the big news out of Washington on the shutdown. By the way, tonight’s show will be brought to you by ‘I can’t [bleep] believe it!’
(Cheering and Applause)
I can’t [bleep] believe it! For when the ‘I can’t believe it’ Edvard Munch scream emoji doesn’t quite convey how much you cannot [bleep] believe it!
(Cheering and Applause)
And what, you ask, is ‘it?’ Well, ‘it’ is the Democrats. You remember the Democrats.
(Laughter)
They shut down the government last month for a very particular reason.”

[Clip starts]
Jayapal: “Any deal must secure the extension of the ACA tax credits.”
(...)
COONS: “This is about my party saying enough is enough.”
(...)
Warren: “Democrats will not back down.”
(...)
BOOKER: “Do not stop fighting.”
(...)
Jeffries: “We’re in this fight until we win this fight because we know we’re on the right side of this fight.”
(...)
Schumer: “It’s literally life or death. So Democrats have three words for this: no [bleep] way.”
[Clip ends]

(Audience boos)

STEWART: “Well, funny [bleep] story!
(Laughter)
Yes, Charles Schumer’s three words were no match for these five other words!”

[Clip starts]
PERINO: “Democrats cave on the shutdown.”
[Clip ends]

STEWART: “Excuse me, ‘cave on the shutdown?’ Huh? Not this forceful, young, authentic Democratic Party that hangs out down by the river and curses in what appears to be a cerulean blue blazer. ‘And I say... no [bleep] way.’ No, they [bleep] caved on the shutdown. Not even a full week removed from the best election night results they’ve had in years, seven Democratic senators and an ‘indepdent’ voted with their Republican counterparts to end the shutdown and reopen the government. And did they get their extended healthcare subsidies?”

[Clip starts]
reporter (voice-over): “Democrats wanted the deal to include extending subsidies for the Affordable Care Act. Instead, they got a promise to vote on it at a later date.”
[Clip ends]

STEWART: “I cannot [bleep] believe it! You had the wind at your back! Election victories all over the country. The new Sydney Sweeney movie, box office bupkis! Apparently, her new MAGA fanbase didn’t show up in droves to see a biopic about a lesbian professional boxer who overcomes domestic violence to live her truth. Who could have seen that coming? Democrats, you sold out the entire shutdown not to get what you wanted, but for a promise to not get what you wanted later. Where in ‘The Art of War’ — hold on. Okay, here it is. I got it. Sun Tzu said, ‘Never press your advantage. It’s unseemly! Fighting’s hard. How ’bout a snack?’ I can’t [bleep] believe it. And by the way, what good does a promise of a Senate vote even do for you? Democrats, you don’t control the Senate.Do you even know how this sh*t works? Let’s just say that you managed to win a vote in the Senate, which you haven’t done all year, do you know what happens then? Hold on one second. Give me the...”

[Clip starts]
♪ I’m just a bill ♪
♪ Yes, I’m only a bill ♪
♪ And I’m sitting here on Capitol Hill ♪
[Clip ends]

(Cheering and Applause)
STEWART: “I can’t stay mad at bill.”