Butthead in The Matrix Pt3 (In Description)

It's LONG! And it's still not over. Super fans, if any, might want to bookmark it and stick a unique phrase from where you stopped reading in the keyword / notes section of the link.

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As for something I addressed in the audio about ominous family history, my gut tells me that the whopper of a lie about the adoption was to cover for a couple of "unfortunate accidents".
********

BH: "Hey, Beavis?"

Beavis: "What?"

BH: "The driver's gonna be here in about 10 minutes."

Beavis: "So what?"

BH: "Should we change?"

Beavis: "Change what?"

BH: "Uh... Clothes?"

Beavis: "This is all we got!"

BH: "Huh, huh. You're right, Beavis."

Beavis: "Hey, Butthead?"

BH: "Uh... yeah?"

Beavis: "I feel like I'm gonna be gone for a long time."

BH: "Shut up, Beavis! Baby said it was gonna be like 2 hours. Don't jinx it, or we'll miss prime time AND late night boobies!"

Beavis: "They're gonna take us far away, though, Butthead!"

BH: "What the hell're you talkin' 'bout, Beavis?! I just hung up on Baby 2 minutes ago."

Beavis: "Je cherche la fontaine de jouvence! Car je suis Ponce de Leon!"

BH: "Uh... What?! Did YOU also smoke too much, Beavis?"

Beavis: "J’exige satisfaction!"

BH: "Uh... I heard 'satisfaction', but all Frenchy-like. Don't worry, Beavis. As secret agents, we'll get some evil hot chicks before you know it."

Beavis: "Oui, oui!"

BH: "Huh, huh. You said, "Wee wee."

Beavis: "Oui. Oui."

BH: "Huh, huh! Stop it, Beavis. I don't have any more shorts, and I need to look and smell my best for the first day at work."

*************

[20 minutes later at the agency...]

Smith: "I trust that you had a pleasant trip, gentlemen?"

BH: "Uh... Could you be more specific?"

Smith: "The ride over."

BH: "Uh... yeah, but that dude didn't like us callin' him dude, dude."

Smith: "Fascinating, isn't it? That was no ordinary chauffer, by the way. That's a seasoned agent who was excited to meet two young men who've defied aging for so many years."

BH: "Huh, huh! Really? Beavis was so stoned he asked him to take off his pants and show fur. But... uh, I think only the pants taking-off thing got through, and the same-sounding words didn't."

Smith: "Again, fascinating... And I pray you won't mind that my tongue is, once again, firmly planted against my cheek."

BH: "Uh... okay."

Smith: "Are you ready to begin your training?"

BH: "Uh... no."

Smith: "Why not?"

BH: "'Cause I don't know what it is."

Smith: "Good. Thank you. Honesty is best. Some of our top agents have answered yes to that question, seeking to please, which is why I know that you will be a fine agent. That is, once we properly teach you to lie and look like you mean it."

BH: "How 'bout Beavis?"

Smith: "What about him?"

*************

BH: "How long would it take to teach Beavis French and believe he was Ponce De Leon?"

Smith: [Bewildered] "What?!"

BH: "He keeps getting banned from stores for his Cornholio routine, and it sucks."

Smith: "Yes, that is unfortunate being unable to shop at one's favorite plaecs."

BH: "No, the Cornholio thing sucks!"

Smith: "I see. Our technology could accomplish that in about an hour, but it's a waste of the valuable training time."

BH: "Me 'n' Beavis're both stoned today, though. Can you fill our brains with encyclopedia stuff when we're stoned?"

Smith: "That's not exactly how this works, but we can try experimenting on Mr. Beavis, for fun."

BH: "Will you be able to change him back?"

Smith: "Maybe."

BH: "Huh, huh. Cool."

***********

[Beavis emerges from his hypnotic state.]

BH: "So, what happened to 'im?"

Smith: "Most of that hour was prep time, Mr. Butthead. From the perspective of Mr. Beavis, however, the 5 minutes he was fully hypnotized seemed like 5 years, attending a prestigious Parisian academy, residing with a French family as part of his immersion for language and culture.

[Beavis, with his shirt pulled over his head, scurries through the facility like a lunatic, repeating, "I am Ponce de Leon! I need youth from a fountain!"]

Smtih: [Furrowing brow] "And THIS was the result."

Butthead: "Whoa! Ponce De Leon acted like Cornholio?"

Smith: [Smirking] "You've yet to explain this... Cornholio... alter ego(?) to me, but I can confidently say, 'No'. The flow of the name must have appealed to his animal brain."

Butthead: "Hey, Beavis?! Smith said you got two brains!"

[Beavis continues scurrying and shouting his command.]

Smith: [Sighing] "If Mr. Beavis didn't retain any of the French he learned, his candidacy as an agent is slim to none."

Butthead: "So what's he gonna do?"

Smith: "I could have him work alongside you at the movie theater, ripping ticket stubs."

Butthead: "What?! I don't get to be an agent, dude?!

Smith: "No, I think you'll do fine. The agency has long had agents monitoring citizens who pay upwards of $20 per person, snacks included, to watch the same movie repeatedly. Since so many of them pay cash, and our agency is, for whatever reason, denied access to the data collected from magnetic strips, we... station agents in theaters as ushers."

Butthead: "I get a tux, though, right?"

Smith: "Naturally."

Butthead: "Can I get it altered?"

Smith: "MAY you."

Butthead: "Mother, may I?"

Smith: "Stop that, and yes."

Butthead: "Cool! Mine's gonna say AC DC, and Beavis's got Metallica."

Smith: "Oh, no you don't! We have standards of professionalism! I meant tailoring!"

Butthead: "Uh uh, dude. Too late. You said 'yes'. Huh, huh... huh."

[Smith tugs at his hair on the sides of his head and grimaces.]
***********************

Smith: "Is Mr. Beavis afraid of needles?"

BH: "Uh... I dunno. Maybe. Why?"

Smith: "I have to decide whether to jab or shoot him."

BH: "Hey?! Don't go killin' Beavis! He's only 15... sorta."

Smith: "Tranq gun, Mr. Butthead. I need to calm him down so that the hypnotist might repair the psychological trauma."

BH: "You gonna shoot him in the ass?"

Smith: "Naturally."

BH: "Huh, huh! Cool! Can I... May I do it?"

Smith: "Since you asked so nicely, with proper attention to grammatical syntax, certainly, but he's on the move. I'll give you one chance, but then I'll have to take over."

BH: "What if I shot you first?"

Smith: "I'd sense your intentions before you could even begin to strike."

BH: "Cool! Will you show me?"

Smith: "Fine. Here's the tranq gun. Try aaa..."

[Smith takes a dart to the upper right leg and menacingly stares at Butthead as he collapses onto the floor. Butthead looks over at the hypnotist, who wasn't privy to the agreement.]

BH: "Uh. So, what now?!"

Hypnotist: "What have you done?!"

BH: "I shot him. He told me to."

Hypnotist: "That's absurd! I'm going to have security confine you until Agent Smith awakens, then we can sort all of this out. Even if what you said is true, Agent Smith may not remember... [Rolls eyes] agreeing to have you shoot him. You could be in a whole HEAP of trouble."

BH: "Should I shoot you, then, and tell the guards that you and Smith shot each other?"

Hypnotist: "NO, you little metal head twerp!"

[Butthead's trigger finger experiences a sudden anxiety-induced spasm. Thump! The hypnotist collapses.]

BH: "Hey, Beavis?!"

Beavis: "I am Ponce De Leon! I need youth from a fountain! Err-eh-err..."

BH: "Huh, huh! Silly Beavis. Soon we'll be ripping ticket stubs and staring at people, like real super spies."

******************

[Two super soldier-grade security guards storm into the lab.]

Guard 1 (G1): "What the hell happened here?!"

BH: "Uh... I shot Smith after he told me to, and that hypno-shrinky dude who ruined Beavis yelled at me."

[Guard 2 looks to Guard 1 with a wide-eyed expression.]

G2: "He's not lying."

G1: "But why did you shoot the... [Sigh] hypno-shrinky dude?"

BH: "He made my trigger finger twitchy."

G2: "Truth."

[Guard 1 shakes his head and has to purse his lips to prevent smiling and possibly laughing.]

G1: "So far so good, but why were you pointing the gun at the hypnotist, and why did Agent Smith want you to shoot him?"

BH: "Smith, like, dared me, and, uh... after he fell over I forgot to drop the gun."

G1: "Last question... Why are you here?"

BH: "Uh... Me 'n' Beavis're gonna rip tickets at the theater if he remembers he's Beavis again."

G1: "Oh... That. The JUNIOR assignment."

BH: "Whadda they do with those dorks who watch the same movie over and over again at the theater?"

G1: "That intel is above your pay grade at the moment."

BH: "Uh... what?"

G1: "Exactly."

BH: "You got another hypno-shrinky dude to fix Beavis?"

G1: [Pointing] "That would be Beavis, darting around the room with his shirt pulled over his head, insisting that he's Ponce De Leon?"

BH: "Uh... Yep."

G1: "The hypnotist should only be unconscious for about half an hour."

[Guard 2 returns from checking on the hypnotist.]

G2: "'Fraid not."

G1: "I'm sorry?"

G2: "The hypnotist is dead."

BH: "What the hell?! It's a tranq gun!"

G2: "Skull fracture, son. Note the tile floor. Fortunately for you, that hypnotist is into so much crazy shit that his identity had to be erased to protect the agency's interests. We've had him locked up here for years. The threat of him going rogue was too great. You did him a favor, but now you have the honor of digging a hole behind this wing of the facility and burying him."

BH: "So I'm allowed to know all that about dead hypno-shrinky dude, but not what happens to movie freaks?"

G1: "The key word is dead."

BH: "Huh, huh. Got it."

G1: "You're taking this involuntary manslaughter rather well. Have you killed before?"

BH: "Uh... no?"

G1: "You had to think about it?"

BH: "Uh... Me 'n' Beavis have started some stuff but couldn't stick around."

G1: "I see."

BH: "You got a way to cremate hypno-shrinky dude?"

G1: "We do."

BH: "Ya got a giant freezer?"

G1: "Affirmative."

BH: "Then put him on ice and let somebody else burn him tomorrow, dumbass!"

G1: "Aside from calling me a dumbass, that was brilliant."

BH: "What're you gonna do to me for callin' you a dumbass?"

G1: "Nothing. I simply didn't see any brilliance in it. Part of our training is to let go of the ego."

BH: "Oh. Okay. You guys wanna come over tomorrow for waffles?"

[Guard 1 sneers out of confusion, and then begins smiling with a closed-eyed nod.]

G1: "Yeah, sure. I love waffles."

G2: "Me, too."

BH: Okay. It's settled, then. We've got a breakfast bro date, but who's gonna fix Beavis?"
******************************

G1: "Hey, Ponce?!"

Beavis: "Yes?"

G1: "When I count to 3, you're going to forget being Ponce, return to being Beavis, and remember nothing from the hypnosis session!"

Beavis: "Don't be absurd! Who is this BEAVIS?! I am Ponce De Leon! I need youth from a fountain!"

G1: "1! 2! 3! Well?"

Beavis: "'Well' what? You silly American!"

[Beavis proceeds scurrying, but trips over the dead hypnotist.]

Beavis: "Aaaggghhh!"

G1: "Are you okay?"

[Beavis stands up after hitting his forehead, and sees Butthead.]

Beavis: "Hey, Butthead?! Where am I?!"

BH: "Huh, huh! You're at the secret agency, Beavis. Dead hypno-shrinky dude fixed you."

G2: "He likely has a concussion. I'll summon a physician."

Beavis: "What?! That guy's dead?! Who killed him?!"

BH: "Huh, huh! I did, Beavis."

Beavis: "NO WAY!"

BH: "Yes WAY, Beavis! Remember that time at the carnival when we got banned for life after throwing elephant poop in the vat of chocolate?"

Beavis: "Yeah. What about it?"

BH: "They don't care, here, that I killed that guy."

Beavis: "Really?! You did it on purpose?!"

BH: "Huh, huh. No, it was evolutionary man slasher."

G1: [Rolling eyes] "Involuntary manslaughter, Mr. Butthead."

Beavis: "Is that Agent Smith over there? How 'bout him?"

G2: "Agent Smith is going to be fine. He obviously didn't fall flat as a board like the hypnotist."

BH: "Hey, Beavis? These two guards are havin' waffles with us tomorrow."

Beavis: "What for?"

BH: "They let go of ego, so that's more waffles for us. You know how my mom only gives us 3 each? These are big guys, and she'll believe me when I text her that they both need 6. That means they get 4 and we each get 5."

G1: "Are you telling me that you invited us for breakfast for selfish reasons?"

BH: "Uh huh."

G1: "Hahaha! Excellent! We DO love waffles, but we never trust NICE people."
********************

[A stunningly beautiful, curvy brunette in a form-fitting white skirt-suit enters the room: coat unbuttoned, with a plunging lime green V-neck blouse, in tribute to scrubs.]

G2: "Dr. Moore? Thank you for coming so quickly. Beavis, the blonde-haired gentleman, is the one who struck his forehead on the floor."

Moore: "My pleasure, Agent Bradford."

Butthead: "Whoa! I want more! Huh, huh... huh!"

[Dr. Moore rattles her head from side to side, smirking at Butthead.]

Bradford: "Can it, Butthead."

Moore: "So far, no sign of blurred vision."

Bradford: "How could you know that already, Dr. Moore?"

Moore: "Sudden bulge in the front of the pants, indicative of a throbbing erection, secondary to profuse slobbering and an unrelenting gaze fixed upon my chest."

Bradford: [Blushing] "Oh, right. Certainly, but can you blame him?"

Moore: "If this was a clinic, Bradford, I could have you reprimanded."

Bradford: "But this is far from a clinic."

Moore: "Exactly. Hefner and Flint all rolled into one."

Bradford: "Flynt? That doesn't make any sense."

Moore: "'In Like Flint', not Larry Flynt."

Bradford: "That still doesn't make any sense. In 'Our Man, Flint', James Coburn was practically a feminist."

Moore: "I meant in terms of the spy reference."

Bradford: "Why wasn't James Bond the first series to enter your mind?"

Moore: "Theme-wise, they were all the same."

BH: "Will you two SHUT UP?! I hate those Flint movies! Ask Beavis; he'll tell you."

Moore: "No, I'm good. Besides, you just shouted that you hate them, so I'm sure he's aware."

BH: "Uh... Huh, huh."

[Dr. Moore returns her attention to Beavis.]

Moore: "Do you have any history of head trauma or mental illness, Mr. Beavis?"

Beavis: "What?!"

BH: "He gets hit in the head all the time. He's definitely mental, though."

Beavis: "Shut up, Butthead!"

Moore: "Are you experiencing any dizziness or light-headedness, Mr. Beavis?"

Beavis: "Yeah, but Butthead and I got really stoned today."

Moore: "Short term memory appears to be intact... somehow. Do you know what month it is, Mr. Beavis?"

Beavis: "No."

Moore: "Do you ever know?"

Beavis: "No."

Moore: "Do you know where you are?"

Beavis: "The secret agency."

Moore: "What's the name of the secret agency?"

Beavis: "Smith didn't tell us that."

Moore: "Fine."

[Dr. Moore looks to Agent Bradford.]

Moore: "He answered to Beavis, but the protocol is to ask the patient for a name. Considering the intoxication, orientation to place, and answering to the correct name, I'd say he has a mild concussion at worst. If his symptoms worsen, I'll order a CT scan."

Bradford: "What's your last name, Mr. Beavis?"

Beavis: "I'm just Beavis."

Bradford: "What is or was your dad's last name?"

Beavis: "I don't know."

Bradford: "You never met him? Your mom never spoke of him?"

Beavis: "No. No."

[Agent Bradford turns to Dr. Moore.]

Bradford: "He's curt for an X-File. They're usually much chattier: painfully so, like Mr. Butthead, here."

BH: "If you weren't 3 times my size, I'd ask, 'You wanna rumble, dude?' but since you are, I'm gonna say, "Uh... Huh, huh... huh."

Bradford: "Wise... ironically."

[Dr. Moore smiles and silently giggles.]

BH: "Hey, Beavis?!"

Beavis: "What?"

BH: "You can be 'Code Name Kurt' at the theater if we're sent to one where nobody knows us."

Beavis: "How 'bout you?"

BH: "I think I'll wear a turban and say my name diff'rent: Boot-hey-odd. Huh, huh... huh!"

Beavis: "Heh, heh!"

Bradford: "You guys call yourselves whatever you wish, with Agent Smith's approval."

[Smith awakens upon hearing his name.]

Smith: [Groggy] "Bradford? Dr. Moore? What happened?"
*********************

Bradford: "Take it easy, Agent Smith. Don't try to stand up yet. You dared Mr. Butthead to attempt shooting you with the tranq gun."

Smith: "Well... You're Mr. Polygraph, Agent Bradford, so YOU would know."

Bradford: "You are awfully proud of your dodging ability, but..."

Smith: "'But' what? Pride comes before the fall?"

Bradford: "You said it, not me."

[Smith serves up some mild stink eye.]

Moore: "What happened to the hypnotist lying motionless on the floor, by the way?"

Bradford: "Oh, right. Skull fracture. Mr. Butthead accidentally shot him with a tranq gun."

Smith: "Thank God! I hated that creep. Nice... involuntary volunteer work, Mr. Butthead."

BH: "Uh... huh, huh. Thanks, dude."

[Smith rolls his eyes and shakes his head at the insubordination, but knows that he's now let it go too long to stop it.]

Moore: "Well, well, Mr. Butthead! First day of training and already a notch on your belt. Bravo!"

BH: "Huh, huh! Did anybody like hypno-shrinky dude?"

Moore: "No. Bradford? I'll fetch a gurney and put him in the morgue."

Bradford: "I appreciate that."

Smith: "Agent Bradford? What is the status of Mr. Beavis?"

Bradford: "He tripped over the deceased hypnotist and knocked himself... well?... Agent Smith."

Smith: "Hahahahaha! Glad to hear it."

BH: "Can I... May I see the freezer, Agent Bradford?"

Bradford: "No."

BH: "But I said "may".

Bradford: "So?"

BH: "Smith was gonna let me shoot Beavis because I said 'may' instead of 'can', but you won't even show me a freezer? This place is weird. Ever heard o' givin' a tour, dude?"

Bradford: "'Dude'? Tell you what, Mr. Butthead. You help Dr. Moore with... eh hem... hypno-shrinky dude, and I'll think about it."

Moore: "Agent Bradford?"

Bradford: "Yes, Dr. Moore?"

Moore: "Do you realize, with the style of blouse I'm wearing, what's going to happen if Mr. Butthead is lifting from one side and I from the other?"

Bradford: "What if you bent at the knees, Dr. Moore?"

Moore: "That could well prove to be a double feature, Agent Bradford."

Bradford: [Blushing] "Good point. I'll let you get back to work, Dr. Moore, and take Mr. Butthead to see the giant freezer since I don't have access to the morgue. No sense depriving you of your key card. We're going to cremate him tomorrow."

BH: "WHAT?! Me or hypno-shrinky dude?!"

Bradford: "Shut up, Butthead."

BH: "So... uh... Whadda ya keep in the giant freezer? Fries? Tots? Burgers and weenies for company picnics?"

Bradford: "Uh... Agent Smith? Shall we tell him?"

Smith: "Go ahead. No one would believe him. Besides, even if he DOES remember, his meager aptitude for articulation would preclude both a listener's comprehension and interest."

BH: "Uh... I feel insulted yet somehow blessed."
************

Bradford: "Mr. Butthead? The giant freezer is full of pressurized compartments so that people who were assassinated YEARS ago are preserved. Were they to be returned to the public sphere for recovery by local authorities, they'd appear to a medical examiner that they've only been dead for hours or days."

BH: "Whoa! Why?!"

Smith: "Mr. Butthead? We take our reputation and adherence to secrecy QUITE seriously. Do you realize how simple it is to establish an alibi when a years' old body is made to seem like a fresh kill?"

BH: "How many years?"

Smith: "Not enough to confuse the examiner about age, but sufficient to prevent any investigation from pointing the finger at our agents. If you would, Mr. Butthead... please indulge me and summarize what you were just told."

BH: "Uh..."

Smith: "'Uh' is good."

BH: "Uh..."

Smith: "A double 'Uh' is better than one under the circumstances. The agency is counting on you, Mr. Butthead."

BH: "You freeze people so they seem like they were killed later. How's that?"

[Bradford shrugs at Smith with a wide-eyed stare of surprise.]

Smith: "Shit!"

Bradford: "What now, Agent Smith?"

Smith: "Mr. Butthead? How would you feel about intense training and a more dignified role in the agency than usher duty at the theater?"

BH: "Uh... I could still do that usher thing with Beavis, though, right? I wanna wear the turban and demand satisfaction from people as Boot-hey-odd."

Smith: "I have no words, Mr. Butthead. Do you have any familiarity, Agent Bradford?"

Bradford: "Some, sir. I'll fill you in later."

Smith: "Great. [Sigh] I'm sure it will be enlightening [Smirk]."

BH: "Do I still get minimum wage for the new job?"

[Bradford stifles a chuckle.]

Smith: [Stoic] "Of course. Mr. Beavis didn't tolerate the 5 years of hypnosis-induced French education / immersion, so let's have you return tomorrow and meet with our more reliable trainer."

BH: "Should I show up for work stoned again?"

Smith: "What did I tell you about selling and using, Mr. Butthead?"

BH: "That the agency doesn't care."

Smith: "But...?"

BH: "That you didn't want us ratting out our suppliers."

Smith: "And...?"

BH: "Uh..."

Smith: "Never mind, Mr. Butthead. The point is... STOP SMOKING WEED! No edibles, either. We're paying you a lot of... eh hem... minimum wage, so it's time to act accordingly."

BH: "What time do I gotta come in?"

Smith: "8 o'clock AM, sharp!"

BH: "NO WAY!"

Smith: "Don't worry, Mr. Butthead. If you're still asleep, agents will silently break in, grab you without you feeling a thing, return you to this facility, and you'll be in training under hypnosis all the more seamlessly."

BH: "Uh... If I'm not gonna know, I guess that's okay. Huh, huh... huh."

[Bradford bursts into laughter. Smith tries to maintain professionalism, but joins him after a few seconds.]
**********

BH: "Hey, Agent Bradford?"

Bradford: "Yes, Mr. Butthead?"

BH: "Since I gotta be here at 8, when're we gonna have waffles?"

Bradford: "Homemade?"

BH: "No way, dude. Mom buys those ego ones."

G1: "Yeah... We have THOSE in the freezer, Mr. Butthead."

BH: "Dead peeps 'n' waffles? What else ya got in there?"

G1: "We're fully stocked for World War 3 AND the munchies, Mr. Butthead."

BH: "What's your name, dude? I feel kinda funny invitin' you for waffles and killin' a guy in front of you without knowin' your name."

G1: "Agent Kinney, Mr. Butthead. Don't worry about dead hypno-shrinky dude, as you call him."

BH: "I didn't. I'm not the one who put tile in here."

Beavis: "Hey, Butthead?"

BH: "What, Beavis?"

Beavis: "What am I doin' tomorrow?"

BH: "I dunno. Ask Smith."

Smith: "Mr. Beavis? First thing tomorrow you'll be taking a French test to gauge your retention."

Beavis: "To what my WHAT?!"

Smith: "To see if you remembered any French."

BH: "He said 'wee wee' and some other Frenchy stuff earlier today, before we got here, but all I got was 'wee wee'."

Smith: "He WHAT?"

Kinney: "Precognition during heavy intoxication isn't without precedent, Agent Smith. I wouldn't make too much of it, though, unless it becomes frequent."

Smith: "Certainly."

Kinney: "Come on, Mr. Butthead. Let's take hypno-shrinky dude to the freezer."

Smith: "Agent Kinney? Please refrain from adopting their vernacular. We already have all the Buttheads we need."

BH: "Huh, huh... huh! Wait... You don't like me, dude?"

Smith: "You're quite a character, Mr. Butthead. I think you'll become a great asset to the agency, in some way or another, but I would prefer you addressing me as Agent Smith or Sir."

BH: "Uh... Okay. I'll think about it, dude."

[Smith shakes his head in defeat. Kinney and Butthead step into the hallway with the hypnotist covered on a cart. Butthead begins pointing.]

BH: "What's THAT door to?"

Kinney: "Don't worry about it."

BH: "THAT one?"

Kinney: [Groans] "Don't worry about it."

BH: "And THAT one?"

Kinney: "Supply closet."

BH: "What kind o' supplies?"

Kinney: "Standard stuff."

BH: "Like pencils... or somethin' cool like James Bond pen guns?"

Kinney: "More the latter than the former."

BH: "Oh. Must be those stretchy ladders. Can I climb one onto the roof to see if you guys got big laser guns to shoot down flying saucers?"

Kinney: "No. Please be quiet, Mr. Butthead."

BH: "Are we almost to the freezer?"

Kinney: "No. It's in the basement."

BH: "So... You or Bradford been with that hot doctor chick?"

Kinney: [Sighs] "No, Mr. Butthead. We don't generally walk in the same circles, and intra-agency fraternization is strictly prohibited."

BH: "How 'bout the evil hot chicks hangin' on the arms of super villains?"

Kinney: "You've seen too many Bond movies, Mr. Butthead."

BH: "You tellin' me ya never met an evil hot chick?"

Kinney: "My former marriage is not your concern, Mr. Butthead."

BH: "So I guess we're not havin' waffles tomorrow, huh?"

Kinney: "Tell you what, Mr. Butthead... As a welcome to the agency, Bradford and I will treat you and Mr. Beavis to brunch at the classiest restaurant in the city on Sunday morning. Do you both have suits?"

[Butthead sees his swim trunks in his mind's eye.]

BH: "Yeah. Thanks, Agent Kinney."

Kinney: "My pleasure. I'll send a car for you and Beavis at 10."
***********

[Beavis opens the door into the hallway.]

Smith: "Where are you going, Mr. Beavis?"

Beavis: "I'm gonna go see the freezer."

Smith: "No, Mr. Beavis. Stay here."

[Before Smith or Bradford can stop him, Beavis makes a run for it and disappears down another corridor, toward a flight of stairs. Not knowing where to find the freezer, he goes up 3 stories rather than down to the basement. While dashing up the staircase, Beavis becomes lightheaded. A guard in the hallway sees him emerging from the stairwell door.]

Guard: "You, there?! Identify yourself!"

[Beavis stands motionless, as if in shock. After a few seconds, his posture and facial expression transform toward an inexplicable dignity.]

Beavis: "Je m’appelle moi-même Ponce De Leon. J’ai besoin de jeunesse d’une fontaine."

[Translation: "I call myself Ponce De Leon. I need youth from a fountain."]

[The guard grabs his phone from the case clipped to his belt.]

Guard: "This is Agent Selby on the 4th floor, sector 7, by the stairwell. I have a possible intruder or escapee in my sights."

Security dispatcher: "Do you have the subject under your control?"

Selby: "He's not putting up a fight, but I couldn't say whether or not he's going to run."

Dispatcher: "Have you learned the subject's name?"

Selby: "He claims to be Ponce De Leon and is speaking French."

Dispatch: "Back-up should be arriving within the next 2 minutes. I'll submit a missing person inquiry to all units."

Selby: "Parlez-vous Anglais?"

Beavis: "Pourquoi? On peut donc parler de malbouffe, Implants fessiers, et Jeux de baseball avec manches supplémentaires?"

[Translation: "Why? So we can talk about junk food, butt implants, and baseball games with extra innings?"]

Selby: "Did you ask about... butt implants, and... baseball games with extra innings?"

Beavis: "Très bien!"

Selby: "You DO understand English, DON'T you?"

Beavis: "Heh, heh! Oui, oui!"

[2 back-up guards arrive.]

Back-up Guard 1: "Agent Selby? This young man is a Mr. Beavis, who suffered a minor blow to the head during his first day of training."

Selby: "Why does he think he's Ponce De Leon?"

BG 1: "I'm afraid that's classified."

Selby: "Mind warped, eh?"

BG 1: "Ya think? We'll return him to the 1st floor. As you were."

Selby: "I was starting to enjoy a most unusual yet largely one-sided conversation in French."

BG 1: "So?"

Selby: "That's how I was."

BG 1: "I beg your pardon?"

Selby: "See? Nobody ever calls that command into question. However, you can't take Mr. Beavis away AND tell me to be as I was."

BG 1: "As you were BEFORE you met Mr. Beavis!"

Selby: "Fine. I'll go back to the cafeteria and have MORE coffee."

BG 1: "You can't take 2 breaks back-to-back, Selby!"

Selby: "Then I can't be as I was. Which order ranks supreme?"

BG 1: "Be as you were, standing in the hallway, immediately before you saw Mr. Beavis."

Selby: "For how long?"

BG 2: "Frank (BG 1)? Let's take Mr. Beavis back to his unit and let Selby ruminate into occupational ruin, if that's his wish. It's not our concern."

Frank: "Agreed. Let's go. The redundancy of the security measures in this place is... I guess I shouldn't say it."

Beavis: "Petits Américains, et vos chamailleries constantes... Comme des fourmis contre des cafards lutte pour le sucre!"

[Translation: "You petty Americans, and your constant bickering... Like ants against cockroaches, fighting for sugar!"]

BG 1: "Did you understand any of that, Selby?"

Selby: "I'm afraid not."

Beavis: "C'est typique!"

[Translation: "That's typical!"]

[Smith and Bradford, having been alerted to Beavis's status, contact Dr. Moore as a precaution.]
**********

[Meanwhile, Butthead and Agent Kinney are in the freezer.]

BH: "So, uh... could we get stuck in here, dude?"

Kinney: "Stop calling me, du... NOOO!"

[Butthead pulls an odd looking lever.]

BH: "What?!"

Kinney: "We're stuck now."

BH: "Why?"

Kinney: "That lever locks down every sector to prevent intruders and escapees from fleeing or further compromising security."

BH: "Let's open the freezer door, then. DUH?!"

Kinney: [Rolls eyes] "That's only going to afford us about twenty more square feet of space, and that area will be below freezing in no time. Stay where you are and try not to do anything else foolish while I fetch the emergency suits for warmth."

BH: "Why can't we just close the freezer door after going outside, dude?"

Kinney: "Because we'd run out of oxygen, Butthead!"

BH: You didn't call me Mister that time."

Kinney: "And you keep calling me 'Dude'. Funny how that works, isn't it?"

BH: "I'm not so sure about waffles, anymore, on Sunday."

Kinney: "You were still planning to have WAFFLES at the finest restaurant in town? Why not enjoy Eggs Benedict, crepes, blintzes, and top sirloin?"

BH: "Uh... okay. I was talkin' 'bout the whole idea of havin' brunch, 'cause you seemed so mad."

Kinney: "Yeah, you screwed up, Butthead, by touching things without asking, but that doesn't mean I hate you or break my promises to you. The suits will keep us warm until we're freed, which will probably take an hour or so. We have the means to cook food and boil water in here. Don't worry."

BH: "I feel weird."

Kinney: "How so?"

BH: "Usually people gettin' mad at me means I'm outta their circle."

Kinney: [Smiling with respect] "Welcome to the real world, Mr. Butthead. You've found some genuine friends for a change."

BH: "Thanks, du... Agent Kinney."

Kinney: "You're welcome, Mr. Butthead. How 'bout some toasted frozen waffles?"

BH: "Ha ha! Sure."

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