Maher: The Once Mighty and Popular Democratic Party Is at Risk of Becoming a ‘Spirit Halloween’ Store

MAHER: “And finally, New Rule. Since it’s Halloween, I must tell you all a ghost story. And this one is really scary. It’s not about the kind of ghost that rattles your chains or turns your lights on and off or, you know, lends a sensual helping hand with your pottery. No, this kind of ghost sells dishwashers. Or at least it did. Yes, I’m talking about a ghost brand. A ghost brand, that’s a company or a store that, like Sears, still exists, but only as a pathetic shell of its former self. The brands that make you say, oh, they’re still making that? Because they screwed themselves out of relevance, and now their logos haunt us, wandering, neither alive nor dead, like Mitch McConnell. I’m talking about brands like Kodak, Polaroid, Radio Shack, GE, Atari, and RCA. They still have value, because name recognition is a huge asset, and so is nostalgia. You trust Hitachi to make a magic wand, because mom had one. And let’s leave it at that. But it’s not where you want to be as a business, barely surviving on old customer habit, with just enough juice in the name to still slap it on something and sell it somewhere. That somewhere being a street vendor’s table in Chengdu, where you can get a Playboy keychain for a dollar. Yes, the cautionary tale of the ghost brand is an important one, because it applies not only to business, but also to politics. I fear the Democratic Party is at risk of becoming a ghost brand, too. Like Sears, it used to be mighty and ascendant and popular. Sears once accounted for 1% of the entire American economy, and 41% of the appliance market, and built the country’s tallest tower. Democrats once controlled Congress and the Supreme Court, or were at least competitive. But now, even at a time when President Trump is turning 250 years of democracy into jeans shorts, the Democrats have their lowest rating in 35 years, 63% unfavorable. What happened? I don’t know, what happened to Sears? It used to be synonymous with the American dream, because it kept faith with what the customer wanted. Did we love Sears? No, but that was besides the point. You just went. It was like an Avatar movie that sold tools. It used to be where your family bought everything, from school clothes to appliances to your family Christmas portrait. Now, Sears is a great place to go if you want to be alone. But you better hurry. Sears used to have 3,500 stores, and now it has five. Same thing happened to Playboy, except in silk pajamas and a captain’s hat. For 66 years, Playboy magazine was also a fact of American life. Sears sold your father a mattress, and Playboy was what he hid under it. It was a sure-fire product. Pictures of t*ts and then 25 cartoons about f**king Santa Claus. Plus real journalism. You could read an interview with Carter while enjoying photos of bush. But then it started messing around with the formula. Like the Democratic Party, Playboy decided they didn’t need straight men anymore. They put transgender women and gay men on the cover, and predictably sales, like their subscribers’ penises, collapsed. The staff began using terms like ‘intersectionality,’ ‘sex positivity’ and ‘privileging,’ and in response, Playboy readers used terms like, ‘Get the f**k out of here and buh-bye.’ At one point, Playboy, yes, Playboy, even dropped the nudity, which is like Cigar of Hachianada announcing, ‘We’re getting rid of the cigars.’ It went from entertainment for men to re-education for nobody, and enlightened their way to unpopularity. Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian posed for another magazine and broke the Internet with her ass. Sometimes you’ve got to give the people what they want.

But for some weird reason, it’s apparently tempting for some people to not do that, because even Cracker Barrel recently decided that they felt a little embarrassed that it was so popular with bumpkins who salivated the sight of an old wagon wheel screwed to the wall. So they changed it to this, which got them no new customers while pissing off the old ones. It reminded me of when Chuck Schumer said in 2016 that for every blue-collar Democrat we lose in western Pennsylvania, we’re going to pick up two moderate Republicans in the suburbs of Philly, Ohio, Illinois and Wisconsin. Yeah, how’d that work out? But at least Cracker Barrel had the sense to immediately say, ‘Oh, sh*t, sorry,’ and put the sling blades back on the wall. Democrats don’t seem to be doing that. They still seem to want to be that upscale store that impresses celebrities. Anybody remember Barney’s? It was this store in New York that started in the 20s, 1920s, as a discount clothing joint on unfashionable, grimy 7th Avenue, a place where their customers, the working man, could get a decent suit at a very reasonable price. I remember going there in 1993 to get my wardrobe for a new show Comedy Central was launching called ‘Politically Incorrect.’
(Applause)
Thank you. Yeah. We had no budget, and this was a place you could buy five suits for two grand. Well, right after that, they opened a place on Madison Avenue, Barney’s did, where you could buy one suit for five grand. They wanted a party with the cool kids, and for a while they got to, for a while. Now they’re a ghost brand that exists as a mini boutique inside one Saks store. And I’m not making this up just because it’s Halloween, but after Barney’s closed for good in 2020, it became, yes, a Spirit Halloween. I’m just saying, Democrats need to get their sh*t together because America needs two political parties, not one party and one Halloween store.”