"Butthead In The Matrix" Pt2 (In Description)

I do some hatin' in the audio after the impressions, but not about Darko, the former TSO conductor. He's awesome. I'd offered to write a script for a "Politically Incorrect Witch of The SouthEast" character ("Tallahassee Spooktacular" Emcee) so that festival attendees might get a break from Fruity Phantom of the Opera Guy. "Phantom..." is NOT a Halloween theme. I've never enjoyed songs that sing about singing, and that goes triple for operas about operas.
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Smith: "Welcome back, Mr. Beavis. Would you like to return to the agency?"

Beavis: "What for?"

Smith: "To discuss salary and benefits."

Butthead: "Why can't we do that here, dude, or Monday morning? TV sucks in the morning, but not right now."

Smith: "Very well. What are you planning to watch?"

Butthead: "Uh... Not MTV, but you don't wanna know, dude."

Smith: "I'm sure I don't. Good evening, gentlemen, and thank you, again, for dinner. I'll send a car for you on Monday."

Butthead: "Don't we gotta go to school, dude?"

Smith: "Not anymore. You're both going to be General Education Certificate holders. What time do you awaken on non-school days?"

Butthead: "Whenever, dude, unless it's before noon."

Smith: [Sigh] "We have hardware and software to help restore your circadian rhythm, but, as for Monday, I can have a secretary call you between 1 and 2PM to schedule a pickup time. Is that satisfactory?"

Butthead: "I'm satisfied. You satisfied, Beavis?"

Beavis: "We makin' minimum wage?"

Smith: [Smiling] "Of course, along with a health plan, dental, vision, and a Christmas bonus if you exceed the agency's record for annual enemy kills."

Butthead: "We hit the jackpot, Beavis. No more school, and we get paid to kill people."

Smith: "I was joking about that last part. That's many years into the future when one is placed under consideration for an assassin role, if at all."

Beavis: "How 'bout the evil hot chicks?"

Smith: "That's on your own time, Mr. Beavis. The agency is not a prostitution ring."

Beavis: "That sucks, Butthead!"

Butthead: "Shut up, Beavis! Chicks are gonna take one look at our suits, $20 hair cuts, shiny shoes, and gold watches, and we'll be in."

Smith: "Like Flint?"

Beavis: "Yeah, YEAH! Wee-eee-eee-EEE!"

Butthead: [Smacks Beavis] "Shut up, Beavis! [Beavis squeals.] You have any idea how much those movies suck? They were like Austin Powers tryin' not to seem like Austin Powers."

[Butthead turns toward Smith.]

Butthead: "So what happens if we aren't answering the phone on Monday?"

Smith: "I'll have the secretary try again on Tuesday."

Butthead: "Hey, Beavis? Shut the phone ringer off."

Smith: "Aren't you excited about becoming secret agents?"

Butthead: "Not the training, dude. How many days can we keep the ringer off before we have to go back to school?"

Smith: "You won't have your General Ed certifications until you complete agent training. I don't know any truancy officers... They're not exactly my type of people... but I'll call one if you don't answer my secretary on Tuesday."

Butthead: "Uh... So we get Monday off from school and training?"

Smith: [Sigh] "And Tuesday morning, yes. Welcome to government employment, gentlemen: where something might be accomplished, if and when enough people lacking marketable private sector skillsets feel inclined to appear and hazard an effort."

Beavis: "Heh, heh... heh."

Butthead: "Huh huh. We're gonna be lazy AND scary, Beavis."

Smith: [Sarcastic] "Yes. 50% of your training is already complete."

Butthead: [Proud] "Cool..."

Smith: With that, gentlemen, I bid you, adieu."

Butthead: "A what?"

Smith: "Goodnight, or goodbye."

Butthead: "You coulda just said that, dude."

Beavis: "Yeah!"

[Smith shakes his head and leaves the house.]

Butthead: "Hey, Beavis? You s'pose we're gonna get smarter all of a sudden on Tuesday?"

Beavis: "NO WAY! Fight it! Fight! Fight!"

Butthead: "Good call, Beavis. They're gonna try an' make us obey 'em. But we might get some encyclopedia stuff, uh... stuffed(?) in our brains to impress the evil hot chicks."

Beavis: "Yeah! Yeah!"

Butthead: "What if they hypnotize us, Beavis? Should we smoke some stuff on Tuesday morning?"

Beavis: "Err... Okay."

Butthead: "I can't wait to see that dude's face when he realizes we showed up stoned for our first day."

Beavis: "What dude?"

Butthead: "That guy who was just here, Beavis. I didn't get his name, but he'd probably make something up if I DID ask."

Beavis: "Yeah... Like Smith."

Butthead: "Huh, huh. Let's call him that on Tuesday to freak him out, just in case we're right. I know he knows we don't know."

Beavis: "Hey, Butthead? Why did they want us to... you know... in a cup?"

Butthead: "Because we've been 15 for so long. Don't you remember Ponce from grammar school?"

Beavis: "ChiPs? What?!"

Butthead: "No, Beavis! Ponce with the fountain, not Ponch on the motorcycle."

Beavis: "What?!"

Butthead: "Uh... I'll tell Smith to give you the Ps twice if he does a stuffing thing."

Beavis: "What?!"

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[Early on Tuesday afternoon, the phone rings at the Butthead residence.]

Butthead: "Uh... hello?"

Caller: "May I speak to a Mr. Butthead, please?"

Butthead: "Hey, baby."

Baby: "How did you know my name?"

Butthead: "Uh... Huh, huh... huh."

Baby: "Sir? Am I speaking to Mr. Butthead?"

Butthead: "Uh... yeah. Whatcha doin' later, Baby?"

Baby: "I'll be dispatching a driver to bring you and a Mr. Beavis to the agency."

Butthead: "Uh... Okay. Am I gonna see you?"

Baby: "I'm afraid not. You and Mr. Beavis will be taken directly to a restricted area where I have no access."

Butthead: "But I mean... like... dinner."

Baby: "The first day of training is probably more of an orientation, and I don't imagine you'll be here for more than a couple of hours. When would you like a ride?"

Butthead: "Any time, Baby."

Baby: "Perfect! I'll send the driver ASAP and have a text sent to you en route with an ETA."

Butthead: "Huh, huh. You said T 'n' A."

Baby: "No, I'm afraid not, Mr. Butthead. I said ETA, meaning estimated time of arrival. Have you been trying to flirt with me this whole time?"

[Beavis, hearing the high volume phone exchange from the adjacent couch cushion, begins laughing at Butthead's expense, then grabs the phone from him.]

Beavis: "Heh, heh... I'm gonna take you out o' the corner!"

Baby: "Is this Mr. Beavis? My parents LOVED that movie! Would you be interested in...?"

[Butthead smacks Beavis, grabs the phone, and ends the call.]

Beavis: "What the hell, Butthead?! She was gonna ask me out!"

Butthead: "Huh, huh! No way, Beavis! She wanted you to dance dirty with her mother. I bet she's like 90, or something. Huh, huh."

Beavis: "Really?"

Butthead: "Be forever at my side, little one, and I shall show you the ways of the world."

Beavis: "WHAT?! You smoked too much!"

Butthead: "Huh, huh... Yeah. That's true."