3 days ago

My search for the original text file on an Ex HD proved fruitful. One of the events was a bit different than I remembered it. I prefer what I'd forgotten.
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[The Stork, Santa Claus, and The Grim Reaper walk into The Easter Bunny's Tavern one evening.]

Easter Bunny: [Jovial] "Hey, fellas?! How do you find time to do everything?"

Reaper: "Do you think you're Jesus, or something, making such a big to-do of yourself on that day, of all days... a giant Lagomorpha with a hoard of chicken eggs, to boot?"

Easter Bunny: "I was makin' polite conversation, Mr. Reaper. Also, do you deal in chimneys, or just these other two?"

The Stork: "Well... A lot o' babies are born in the upper reaches of the northern hemisphere, in winter, at night, so I do cross paths with The Reaper quite regularly."

Easter Bunny: "Oh, my God! How do you feel about that, Mr. Reaper?"

Reaper: "I'm desensitized, E.B. Why not ask Santa about those times when babies are born between 10PM and midnight on Christmas Eve, but the parents don't wake up to the first thud in the fireplace?"

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho! That's how we all met and became pals!"

Easter Bunny: "WHAT?! How can you, Santa, say 'Ho, ho, ho!' about manslaughter?!"

Santa: "You just earned a spot on the naughty list, Easter Bunny. I ho, ho, ho'd at the utterance of 'Christmas,' and in the name of friendship."

Easter Bunny: "Wait a minute. Why would The Stork be hanging around?"

Reaper: "He doesn't. My people contact The Stork's people, and a replacement delivery is made. The miracle of life is such a clandestine bureaucracy on Christmas Eve."

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho!"

Easter Bunny: "But what about nights besides Christmas Eve? Do the babies get replaced?"

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho!"

Reaper: "No. Babies crushed by Santa are special circumstances."

Easter Bunny: "How so?"

Santa: "The world can't have evidence of someone my size jumping down chimneys, at Christmas, or any time of year! Ho, ho, ho!"

Easter Bunny: "You shouted 'Ho, ho, ho!' about that?! What is wrong with you, Santa?!"

Santa: "When I, or anyone else says 'Christmas' and the spirit of giving, I cheerily cry, 'Ho, ho, ho!' You should know that."

Easter Bunny: "But why are you squishing babies at Christmas?!"

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho! I told The Stork's people to have him drop the babies on the doorsteps, but they said the concrete porches are too hard and can get pretty cold and icy."

Easter Bunny: "I had no idea there was so much bureaucracy behind the scenes. So, Mr. Reaper...? Since you're friends with a stork, does that mean you have to meet with all those turkeys in November?"

Reaper: [Smirking] "Yes."

Easter Bunny: "What do they say to you?"

Reaper: "Gobble, gobble!"

Easter Bunny: "What do you do?"

Reaper: "Gobble, gobble."

Easter Bunny: "What?! Oh. Right. But.. how can there be turkeys for sale if you're eating all of them? I don't see how you could eat that much, either."

Reaper: "It's an interdimensional thing. You wouldn't understand."

Easter Bunny: "Try me."

Reaper: "Uh... okay."

[An hour later, everyone at the bar and grill is enjoying rabbit stew.

55 minutes earlier...]

Stork: "I think he meant, 'Try to find out if I'm incapable of comprehending you.'"

Reaper: "He said 'Try me' in the context of animal consumption, Bird Brain! Besides, what does it matter? Maybe now everyone will take their focus off of bunnies and eggs, and pay attention to the actual meaning of the holiday."

Santa: "I resent that, Grim Reaper!"

Reaper: "How 'bout you, Stork?"

Stork: "'How 'bout me,' what?"

Reaper: "If there was... say... a holiday for Big Bird from 'Sesame Street,' would you do everything in your power to steal his thunder?"

Stork: "No."

Reaper: "Why not?"

Santa: "May we please place the attention back on ME, gentlemen? I'm all about the spirit of giving... and taking when I dissociate as Krampus. Ho, ho, ho and Ah, ha, haaaa!"

Reaper: "Like Lucifer-Christ, then, as one and the same?"

Santa: "Not exactly."

Reaper: "How... not exactly."

Santa: "I'm only recognized on the birthday. The bunny got the death / resurrection."

Reaper: "Not anymore."

Santa: "So I can deliver gifts on Easter Saturday Eve, too?"

Stork: "That's double the baby squishing, Santa. Which is more important to you? Giving or preventing negligent homicides?"

Santa: "Ho, ho, ho! Giving! Ho, ho, ho!"

Stork: [Exhaling, eyes widened] "I need a drink. Barkeep?!"

Reaper: [Aghast] "I'll second that."

[The Easter Bunny's son approaches, giving The Reaper the stink eye, then suddenly smiling.]

Easter Bunny's son: "Disturbing as it is to be serving drinks only minutes after my dad was killed, evidently at his request, I owe you one for getting me out of that stupid job. It's bad enough that we've become associated with chicken eggs, but look at all the rabbits that get adopted as pets, then abandoned."

Reaper: "You're welcome, but pay some heed to whom you're speaking."

Stork: "You eat all those abandoned rabbits, too?!"

Reaper: "No. Not enough protein."

Stork: "Ever tried stork?"

Reaper: [Shrugs, furrows brow as if curious] "Okay! You brought it up."

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