Are we really suing Acorn stairlift company for *every* trip, fall, and stubbed toe?

**Zoom Call – National Headquarters Boardroom**

**Managing Director (MD):**
Alright, team. Buckle up. Preliminary audit results are in. Turns out we’ve paid out *hundreds of millions*—needlessly. On claims that never should’ve cleared. Effective immediately: new protocols.

**VP Admin:**
New forms issued *today*. Sales brokers: comply or commissions freeze. If you use the old form? Zero payout. New fields: make, model, *and installation date* of any stairlift on the insured’s premises. No exceptions.

**VP Adjusters:**
And when we cut the first tranche? Beneficiaries sign a subrogation agreement—*on the spot*. Mandatory. If there’s a stairlift onsite, we’re coming after the manufacturer. Hard.

**VP Legal Affairs (VPLA):**
We’re dispatching **Rob’s Worldwide Stairlift Repairs** to perform the mandatory 5-way safety audit. Why them? Because—fun fact—only *Rob’s* technicians are legally certified to install or repair stairlifts in 47 jurisdictions.
So, we’re filing placeholder claims: *actual + treble punitive damages*. Not served yet. Mareva injunctions? Step two. Freeze their assets before they blink.

**Chief Engineer:**
Hold on—what about state inspectors who signed off on installations? Doesn’t that make *them* liable too?

**VPLA:**
Correct. But not all jurisdictions require permits. And where they do? We’ll argue regulatory capture. Besides, inspectors don’t have $200M in offshore accounts. Acorn does.

**VP Sales:**
How many cases are we talking? Litigation volume?

**VPLA:**
Hundreds. *Annually.* And we’ll win over 90%. Our motion success rate? 93.7%. Courts love paper trails—and we’ve got binders thicker than Grisham’s backlist.

**VP Finance:**
This’ll boost annual profits. Significantly. And yes—*bonuses* for everyone. Pending Q3 reconciliation, of course.

**Medical Director:**
The new form includes a full page on *electrical injury syndromes*—acute and chronic. Turns out micro-currents from stairlift rails cause neural fatigue, arrhythmias, even transient syncope. Hospitals? Coroners? They’re *not* coding for this. Yet.

**VPLA:**
Existing coroner reports won’t block us. We’ve got numerical superiority: 3-to-1 ratio of friendly coroners in key provinces. Even under Napoleonic Code? We win on *preponderance by volume*. Statistically? 93% judgment rate. Doctrine bends when data leans.

**VP Finance:**
But why are we touching *invitee* and *tenant* injury claims? That’s not our lane.

**VPLA:**
Occupiers’ Liability Act jurisdictions? We partial-pay *immediately*. Why? Because Acorn’s handrails have *touchable live surfaces*. Caregivers get zapped. Grandkids collapse. It’s subtle—but sudden. And we’ve got *stare decisis* from three appellate circuits. Precedent is ours.

**VP Finance:**
Side note: Acorn’s net worth isn’t growing. Sole owner John Jakes cashed out his entire $42M 2023 profit… in *three days*. Yacht in Monaco. Private island lease. Suspiciously fast.

**VPLA:**
We’re already mapping his commingled properties—Florida condos, Cayman shell LLCs, that “wellness retreat” in Tuscany. Jakes may be slick… but we’ve got *more jets*. And yes, two bounty hunters onboard. Just in case he “retires” to international waters.

**VP Sales:**
This sounds like another Grisham best-seller. Are we really suing Acorn for *every* trip, fall, and stubbed toe?

**VPLA:**
*[leans in, smirks]*
Funny you mention Grisham. Rumor is, one of Rob’s lead auditors *was* the inspiration for Rudy Baylor. Grisham’s retired now—supposedly.
But courts? They’re awarding up to **$2M per claim** in pain-and-suffering *plus* statutory penalties. Multiply that by 800 pending files…
Yeah. This isn’t litigation.
It’s *harvest season*.