Wes Moore Declared MCI-J To Close

Satire Based on Real Events:

Washington County Welcomes Annapolis's "Generous" Inmate Dump: Governor Moore Airlifts Jessup's Jailbirds to Our Overcrowded Aviary – Alligators Included?

**HAGERSTOWN, MD –** Hold onto your crab mallets, folks – Governor Wes Moore just dropped a bombshell bigger than a rogue fireworks show at the Western Maryland Blues Fest. He's slamming the doors shut on the Maryland Correctional Institution at Jessup (MCI-J), that leaky sieve of a slammer down in Anne Arundel County, and guess who's playing host to the 709 evicted tenants? That's right, Washington County's own Maryland Correctional Institution at Hagerstown (MCI-H) and Roxbury Correctional Institution (RCI) are about to get a population boom that'll make our traffic jams look like a leisurely Sunday drive on the C&O Canal.<grok:render card_id="51b906" card_type="citation_card" type="render_inline_citation">
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For those not up on their statehouse shenanigans, MCI-J is crumbling faster than a poorly baked Maryland beaten biscuit – we're talking foundations with more cracks than a bad comedy routine, plumbing that gurgles like it's auditioning for a horror flick, and wiring that could start a bonfire without matches. Fixing it? A laughable $200 million and enough red tape to gift-wrap the entire Chesapeake Bay. So, come June 30, 2026, it's lights out, folks – inmates scattered like dandelion seeds in a hurricane, with our neck of the woods catching the brunt of the breeze.<grok:render card_id="534595" card_type="citation_card" type="render_inline_citation">
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First in line for the Hagerstown Hilton upgrade? The golden oldies serving life sentences and those needing ADA-compliant digs – because nothing screams "rehabilitation" like shipping grandpa convicts up I-70 for a change of scenery. Local yokel and amateur philosopher Earl "The Squirrel" Watkins summed it up best: "We've got antique malls, Civil War reenactments, and now a senior citizen slammer special? Thanks, Gov – next, you'll be turning our outlet malls into outlet prisons!"

But here's where it gets truly sidesplitting: Hagerstown's already famous for its City Park alligator – that mythical beast that's been "lurking" in the lake since 1919, when some wise guy tried to donate a real one to the city (spoiler: they said no, but the legend lives on in memes and fake news alerts). With this inmate influx, whispers around the water cooler (or should we say, swamp?) suggest we might finally get our very own new facility: Alligator Rikers! Imagine it – a state-of-the-art pen where the gators handle security, snapping at escape artists while crooning "See You Later, Alligator" as the theme song. No more guard dogs; we've got prehistoric bouncers! Bubba Jenkins, our self-appointed alligator whisperer, chuckled, "If that critter's been waiting a century for company, these Jessup transfers are gonna make for one heck of a reptile reunion. Just don't feed 'em the inmates – or do, depending on the crime!"

Meanwhile, the 308 MCI-J staffers get a cushy "transition" to other spots like the Maryland Correctional Institution for Women or Dorsey Run – basically, a lateral move without the moving truck. Up here? Our guards might need caffeine IVs to handle the overtime, but hey, the gov promises reduced burnout and boosted morale. Sure, and I'm the next Miss Maryland Crab Derby. As for the empty Jessup husk? It'll be "winterized" for a paltry $1.5 million – think giant bubble wrap and a "Do Not Disturb" sign – while bigwigs "evaluate future paths." My suggestion? Turn it into a haunted house attraction: "Jessup's Jumpscare Jail – Enter if You Dare, Exit with Therapy Bills!"

Governor Moore touts this as a masterstroke for public safety and penny-pinching, like he's the Houdini of corrections. But from our perch amid the apple orchards and Antietam ghosts, it feels more like Annapolis treating us as their personal junk drawer for unwanted junk. Washington County, proud home to two of the "absorbing" facilities (and one legendary lagoon lizard), is now Maryland's go-to spot for correctional comedy. If things get too packed, maybe we'll petition for Alligator Rikers pronto – complete with moats, scales, and a sign reading "Inmates: Don't Get Snappy!" Stay frosty, neighbors; with Moore's moves, our backyard's about to get a whole lot snappier.