"Ever-Growing Nose Hair" (Skit in description)

Casting Director: "I need more nostril, kid. Next?!"

[Barret enters the audition room.]

Director: "Okay. I need you to say, "The Empress" at a semi-whispery volume, as if you're in awe, but,. most importantly, you gotta flare those nostrils."

[Barret faces the director for the first time after taking his place on stage.]

Director: "No. Not yet."

Barret: "What?"

Director: "Don't flare your nostrils until you say, 'The Empress'."

Barret: "I'm not flaring them, sir."

Director: [Slack-jawed] "Really? Wow... What's your name, kid?"

Barret: "Barret."

Director: "No, your first name."

Barret: "That IS my first name."

Director: "Then what's your last name?"

Barret: "Oliver."

Director: [Intrigued] "Huh... A last name for a first name, first name for a last name, bowl haircut, and persistently flared nostrils. I think I can work with you."

Barret: [Excited] "I got the job?!"

Director: "Your nostrils got the job, kid. Noah's the star, not you."

Barret: "I don't get it. What's the big deal about nostrils?"

Director: "You know what a psy-op is, kid?"

Barret: "No. What is it?"

Director: "Psychological operation. The studio, which holds a large stake in the vanity sector, wants impressionable young girls to hyper-focus on hair-free noses like yours, so that when they grow up, men will be buying rotary hair trimmers to please the ladies."

Barret: "I still don't get it."

Director: "Let's put it this way, kid. Why is chest hair often desirable, but back hair is commonly shamed? I'll give you a hint; it ain't nature."

Barret: "I have a hard time reaching my back, so I might have to pay somebody to shave it when I get older?"

Director: "Close, kid. Electrolysis. Permanent hair removal: needless job creation spawned by manufactured stigma, but that's... a another story."

[Background singing begins.]

Unseen woman: "Ever-growing nose hair! Ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah..."

Barret: "Where's that woman?!"

Director: "What woman?"

Barret: "The one singing!"

Director: "I dunno, kid. Ya can't keep flippin' out like this, okay? Plenty o' nostrils in the world, but we couldn't exactly tell the parents of aspiring actors that only kids like yourself need apply."

Singer: "That's impossible! He couldn't have heard me!"

Narrator / Me: "In memory of the Louisiana Office of Motor Vehicles clerk who nearly had me touch my chin to my clavicle while taking my State ID photo on June 23, 2025. A few stray hairs weren't going to show in a tiny photo taken from that distance, but she, as a representative of mutant femininity, wanted me to know that she saw them and wanted them gone. 'In memory...' generally refers to the deceased, but I'd never be in the company of such a vain person again, voluntarily."