Why Scanning for Disappointment Makes Your Marriage Worse

When you expect to be hurt, you’ll usually find it—even if it’s not really there.

That’s how cognitive bias works. Your brain filters experiences to confirm the story you’re already telling yourself. So if you’re scanning your marriage for disappointment, you’ll magnify the flaws and miss the good.

A forgotten chore becomes proof they don’t care.
A tired tone feels like rejection.
Little oversights confirm the worst fears.

But while you’re focused on the negatives, you’re overlooking the moments of grace—the kindness, effort, and love that are actually present. Those small moments, noticed and nurtured, can change the way you see your spouse and rebuild trust.

Reflection prompt: Where might I be overlooking grace?

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