Bouncers Back ! RTM VS Session ! Trump deploys Nuclear War Ships ! Is Kemi Nigerian! Kayso Guilty !

Welcome to the Kronic's Weekly Hot Box, where the news is unfiltered, the opinions are borderline offensive, and the only thing more unpredictable than world events is Ambush’s opening hours.

🧴 Bouncer’s New Hairline: Powered by Science & Witchcraft
Breaking: Bouncer stepped out with a hairline so fresh, it’s got a passport and a Nando’s card. Word on road Bouncer hairline is back and came back looking like he’s 18 again. Man didn’t just get a trim—he got resurrected. Rumours say the follicles were sponsored by Tesla. Lets get him to 50K subscribers asap !

🎙️ RTM vs The Session: The UK Podcast Civil War
The UK podcast space is beefier than a Morley’s 3-piece (pause). RTM threw jabs and bine. The Session ducked the jabs, dipped when bines got sent , then swung back with 44 bine and online receipts. At this point, we don’t need a mic—we need a boxing ring, a ref, and a live stream. Just drop the diss track Chronik , Funky D and Pinky fight under card and Title fight as ' why is that your name ?

🥊 Justo vs Chronik: Glove Up or Leave it

Someone call Wicked n Bad 1st or Misfits Boxing 2nd . Let’s make it make sense.

Trump Sends Two Warships to Russia: Because… Why Not?
In “someone take this man’s WiFi” news, Trump allegedly sent two nuclear warships toward Russia. Yes, nuclear. Man’s playing global Battleships while the rest of us are just trying to afford meal deals. If WW3 kicks off, just know it started because a man got bored on Truth Social.

🇳🇬 Kemi Badenoch: “I’m Not Nigerian” – Nigeria: “Cool, Cool.”
Kemi said she’s not Nigerian. Nigeria responded by revoking her jollof rice privileges. Aunties everywhere are mourning. Rumour has it, even her British passport side-eyed her. One question though: who’s claiming her now?

⚖️ Kayso Found Guilty – His Daddy Told!
Plot twist of the week: Kayso got caught, and apparently his own dad spilled the beans. This isn’t just snitching—it’s an episode of “EastEnders x Top Boy: The Family Betrayal.” Someone check if the dad’s got a podcast coming too.

🇬🇧 vs 🇺🇸 Skepta Wins UK vs USA (Again)
Skepta pulled up and said, “Y’all still rapping like it’s 2014?” and the Americans folded. One freestyle, one mic, zero effort. He bodied the game so calmly, he probably made tea after. UK 1 – USA still in therapy.

🐟 Ambush Goes to the Chip Shop – It’s Closed
Ambush went to get his food. The chip shop said nah fam. Speculation is rife: Did Chip personally shut it down? Did they hear “Man Can’t” playing and panic? Either way, Ambush left battered without the cod.

🎤 Mic Righteous vs Big Zuu: Lyrical GBH
Mic Righteous came for Big Zuu like it was 2012 again. We're talking lyrical Section 18—assault with intent to bar. Will AJ Tracey jump in and defend the Zuu? Or is he busy making another summer banger with Tems?

🎧 Top 5 Tracks You Need to Hear This Week (Certified Heat)
Recommended by yours truly—if these ain’t on your playlist, you’re living wrong:

[JugJug - Busy Ft Marlow P ] – For when you wanna walk like you're in a Nike ad. But your lifestyle is really Dubai

[Frogzy - Went Legit ] – Soundtrack to your next passive-aggressive story post.

[Dazr - Pro & Cons ] – For those legit mway trips. Mind Games

[Asco ft Young Adz ( D block Europe ) - High Fashion ] – Gaucho Theme Music

[Ratlin - Could've Been Me ] – This one just slaps. No explanation needed.

(Drop me your favs for next week’s list.)

💨 Final Thoughts
From New hairlines to real warships, the world is wild—but we’re here to make sense of the nonsense. Sort of. Catch you next week for another round of chaos, controversy, and closed chip shops.

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