Rights of Speech

The first half of this sketch (“Stand Up to and Stamp Out Standup Comedy Club Open Mike Night with Mike Open”) was inspired by a troupe member’s experience in a local comedy club. He took a skit writing class and the first three of six levels of Improv (as Mr. Open would later say, improv is also known as “a bunch of left-wing party games made up by adults in order to keep the kids from driving the parents crazy because everyone was stuck inside due to the rain”). He never took a “self-deprecating/bitching and moaning” standup comedy class, but he did get a chance to work in the tech booth for some standup nights and hear some performances. The monologue (complete with clapping seals) was his impression of the performances. The demographics of the comedians mentioned in the skit were identical to those seen on the evening of February 18, 2022, except the actual order was gay, feminista, black, lesbian, Jew, then Sicilian. There were two more comedians after that, an Indian male and a white male, but he seems to recall their humor was more egalitarian in its skewering.

The latter half of the sketch skewers two organizations, the non-governmental organization Anti-Defamation League (ADL) and the pro-Israel lobbying group American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC). These two organizations have shown time and time again that they are un-American in more ways than one. The ADL’s original mission, to combat anti-Semitism, has now become a vehicle for censoring anyone in the U.S. that criticizes Israel, and AIPAC has now become nothing more than a money laundering scheme whereby Israeli NGOs stuff American politicians like Wesley “$12 million dollar man” Bell full of money like farmers stuffing straw into a scarecrow (see Fuentes, 2024). Between the two (AIPAC, which buys our politicians and shapes our foreign policy such that American taxpayer money and weapons are given to Israel so they can bomb and genocide foreign countries, which in turn leads to Israel dragging America into supporting them in battle when they invariably can’t finish the job on their own) and ADL (which attempts to shut down Americans’ rights to speak out against such atrocities by lobbying Washington and educational institutions to deport, expel, fire, defund or de-platform their own citizens), it’s hard to ascertain who actually is running America; the American President or the Israeli Prime Minister. Tucker Carlson’s 2025 interview with Texas Senator Ted “If I Only Had a Brain” Cruz should clue you in. Nick Fuentes (2025) gives an excellent summary of the dilemma the U.S. finds itself in.

As a side note, two characters in this sketch have received quite a chunk of change from Pro-Israeli groups like AIPAC. According to AIPACtracker.com, Little Napoleon (Secretary of State Marco Rubio) has received over one million dollars from his days as a senator and running for President in 2016, and Uncle Sam/Cheshire Cat (President Donald Trump) has received an ungodly 230 million dollars since 2020 alone. Of the 535 members of Congress, very few (most notably Rep. Thomas Massie of Kentucky) have refused to take any contributions from pro-Israeli groups. No word on whether Eliza Didn’t Do Squat (Attorney General Pam Bondi) has taken any money, but then again, she hasn’t really done anything to deserve a paycheck, let alone a contribution.

Mike Open: “And that’s where you, the public, come in. I hope you all as ‘therapists’ will do your part in these many to one sessions known as standup nights and give the clients that appear on this stage the “roomful of crickets” treatment they so desperately need so they can once again be fully integrated back into the real world where they can get real jobs, perform useful roles in society, and where they can be treated like everyone else, that is, badly, to paraphrase Benjamin the Donkey.” – A reference to Benjamin the Donkey from George Orwell’s “Animal Farm.”

Scrolling caption and Voiceover: “This sketch is dedicated to the words and phrases that have been wrongfully imprisoned through no fault of their own. They are good-natured, law-abiding parts of the English language that were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time in the dictionary, and have been unfairly targeted because of the way they look and the way they sound.”

A politician uttering a bunch of words that sound similar to racial slurs reminds us of a polar opposite story about a fan who, at a Colorado Rockies baseball game in 2021, uttered a word that sounded similar to a racial slur. According to the story, a fan allegedly shouted a racial slur at a Colorado Rockies baseball game on 08 August. The Rockies said in a 08 August X post that “They are disgusted at the racial slur by a fan directed at the Marlins’ Lewis Brinson during the ninth inning of today’s game.”

In an X post the following day, 09 August, the Rockies claimed that they conducted a thorough investigation (Which included phone calls, email, video reviews, working with the broadcaster and isolating the microphones from the broadcast, and eventually finding and interviewing the fan himself) and concluded the fan was shouting for the mascot whose name was Dinger, and whose name sounds similar to a racial slur. The video provided by the broadcaster clearly showed that the man was looking in the direction of the mascot (not at the baseball player, who was in the batter’s box at the time) and the fan was merely trying to get the mascot’s attention so he could get a photo with him, his children and grandchildren. What’s even worse, at least in the aforementioned 09 August post, the Rockies did not issue a public apology to the fan.

Many people harshly criticized the overzealous Rockies’ front office for (1) jumping to conclusions (noting the Rockies hastily issued a statement unequivocally stating that what they heard was a racial slur before compiling any evidence to support the claim), (2) Not issuing a follow up statement publicly admitting they jumped to conclusions, and (3) not issuing a public apology for causing the (unnamed) fan so much grief.

Incidentally, for those of you scoring at home, Mr. Itarian uttered much-maligned words and phrases that would have offended inattentive blacks, blacks (again), blacks (a third time), Jews, East Asians, Italians, Italians (again)/Spanish/Portuguese, gays, Native Americans, East Asians (again), Mexicans, Italians (a third time), lesbians, the mentally challenged, Mexicans (again), and for good measure, circled back around to hit blacks a fourth time with Ross Perot’s famous phrase “you people” (although we here at CoBaD like to think of “you people” as one of those “bunker buster” epithets that can wipe out everybody and everything).

Chairman Rosie: “Alright, folks, you heard the wet noodle! Let’s get ahead and go started!” The phrase as you know is “Let’s go ahead and get started.” But this sketch is all about equality, so why can’t the wet noodles of ADL “get ahead” first?

Stand up, sit down, clap, clap, clap: The standing ovation/folding arms exercised by Auntie Damnation and Chairman Rosie during Mr. Itarian’s speech is a spoof of The State of the Union address. Whenever the President says something about gun rights, the Republicans stand and applaud while the Democrats sit and fold their arms. Whenever the President says something about abortion rights, the Democrats stand and applaud and the Republicans sit and fold their arms. And when the President says something about protecting children, all the seals stand and clap. A true party game, except that unlike improv, both the left and the right can join in on the fun.

Arthur Itarian: “To paraphrase Je…sorry, the J-word, there is no place for hateful thought as well, as hateful thought is as hurtful as hateful actions.” - Mr. Itarian is referring here to Matthew 5:28 when Jesus said: “But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

Arthur Itarian: “Thanks to tireless efforts of organizations such as yours, thought crime is now punishable by law.” - Alludes to George Orwell’s “1984.” “Thoughtcrime” refers to a person's politically unorthodox thoughts, unspoken beliefs and doubts that contradict organizations.

Chairman Rosie: (nervously looking around in a panicky voice) “He’s looking for payback…on a certain loan we took out against him…with interest…2,000 years’ worth!” – Refers to Matthew 27:24-25: “So when Pilate saw that he was gaining nothing, but rather that a riot was beginning, he took water and washed his hands before the crowd, saying, ‘I am innocent of this man's blood; see to it yourselves.’ And all the people answered, ‘His blood be on us and on our children!’"

Little Napoleon: (to Pickle Switch) "No fair cutting in line! Don't make me slap you upside your head with a work visa!" - A reference to President Trump's alleged granting of amnesty to illegal immigrants who work in hotels and on farms (the same industries that contributed mightily to his 2024 campaign).

Voiceover: “Arthur Itarian is now appearing in ‘Spent Asset,’ a weekly political podcast featuring in-depth interviews with the latest primaried politicians without constituents, retired generals without armies, and former advisors without politicians. Catch the latest insights from our outsiders as they give their perspectives on the hot topics of today without any clue of what’s really going on inside and give their recommendations on solutions without having to suffer the consequences in case they fuck up.” – Advice given by has-beens who don’t have all the facts and don’t have to suffer any consequences for advocating said advice is the biggest reason why we here at CoBaD don’t have much confidence in individuals with the words “FMR” or “RET” in front of their names.

Little Napoleon: "There was something in that take that didn't agree with him." - A reference to Little Bonaparte's famous line from "Some Like it Hot" - "There was something in that cake that didn't agree with him."

The Scarecrow head was courtesy "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" by L. Frank Baum, with pictures by W.W. Denslow. The “Spent Asset” theme, “Night on Bald Mountain” by Modest Mussorgsky, is courtesy Premiumbeat.com.

References:

AIPAC Tracker. https://www.trackaipac.com/

Fresno Bee. 16 June 2025. President Trump’s amnesty overlooks other industrious undocumented workers. Opinion. https://www.fresnobee.com/opinion/editorials/article308763040.html

Gilsinan, K. Politico. 05 August 2024. A Pro-Israel PAC Has Targeted A Squad Member in Missouri. But the Message Doesn’t Mention Israel. https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2024/08/05/israel-aipac-cori-bush-squad-00172708

Rumble.com. Glenn Greenwald. 27 May 2025. The ADL’s Censorship Mission Revealed. System Update Revisited. Originally aired on September 5, 2023. https://rumble.com/v6tyik9-the-adls-censorship-mission-revealed-system-update-revisited.html?e9s=src_v1_s,src_v1_s_o

Rumble.com. Nicholas J. Fuentes (2025). 24 July 2025. https://rumble.com/v6wn8kq-america-first-ep.-1539.html?e9s=src_v1_cmd,src_v1_ucp_a

Rumble.com. Tucker Carlson. 18 June 2025. Tucker Confronts Ted Cruz on His Support for Regime Change in Iran. https://rumble.com/v6uz0kt-tucker-confronts-ted-cruz-on-his-support-for-regime-change-in-iran.html?e9s=src_v1_cmd,src_v1_ucp_a

YouTube.com. Ed Miller. Ross Perot 1992 NAACP speech clip “You People.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FX4Jx1_ffpE

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Convulsions of Birth and Death (CoBaD) is a comedy sketch troupe founded in September, 2022 that posts skits on social media covering varied topics such as music, history, art, science, sports, literature and events encountered in everyday life. The title was inspired by Henry David Thoreau’s “Civil Disobedience” (1849), an essay written as a protest against the U.S. government taking his “gift” (i.e., his taxes), and wasting it in ways in which he did not approve (e.g., war and slavery). CoBaD writes sketches in the spirit of Thoreau, but instead of strictly casting its nets outwards towards governments and figures of authority, it projects its protest inwards by taking a humorous, lightheaded look at humanity and specifically those who take the greatest gift of all, life, and senselessly and stupidly waste it on greed, narcissism, self-centeredness, petty-mindedness, arrogance, opportunism, power-grabbing, quid pro quo, the status quo, ulterior motives, and the most despicable waste of all, social media.