2 months ago

Pt2: https://rumble.com/v6wu6t0-verstitution-pt2.html
Pt1: https://rumble.com/v6wr240-verstitution-pt1.html

Pt3 (Reaction to van-lifer below script)

[2 days later...]

Bailiff: "All rise! Court is now in session!" [Looks toward Madison.] "Nice pants, Ms. Holloway. The Honorable Wilfred Stevens presiding!"

[Madison smirks at the bailiff, causing him to look toward the carpet in shame. The judge approaches the bench.]

Judge: "Please be seated."

[Both attorneys, Ms. Holloway, and the spectators take their seats.]

Judge: "The defense admits to Ms. Holloway having broken the law. It is not the place of a court at this level in the hierarchy to question the law, but to enforce it. I hereby pronounce Madison Holloway guilty as charged, for the crime of verstitution. However, based on verstitution being an act of less severity than virtual prostitutes actively seeking so-called sugar daddies, which remains legal, in addition to the points made by the defense during cross and re-cross, I will suspend the sentence pending an appellate court filing within the next 6 months. Failing such a filing, the defendant would owe a fine, up to a maximum of $500. This court is adjourned."

[The judge pounds his gavel and exits to his chambers. Madison looks to Ernest.]

Madison: "$500?! That's nothing! I can make that in 8 hours just by shaking my boobs on command in private video chat for 32 horndogs!"

Ernest: "32? Why such an odd number?"

Madison: "15 minute sessions, dummy!"

Ernest: "Oh, right. So you do know some basic math." [Holds up his right thumb in jest.] "Good for you."

Madison: [Immune to his sarcasm] "So we're done, right?"

Ernest: "Are you sure about that, Ms. Holloway? If we're able to reverse a law impacting so many young women in adult social media, you'll be famous."

Madison: "Really?! How famous? Guest on "Oprah" famous? Ellen famous?"

Ernest: "Eh... No: more like sleazy daytime talk show and legal analyst vlogger guest famous."

Madison: [Thrilled] "Woo! Let's appeal, dude!"

Ernest: "Dude?"

Madison: "What SHOULD I call you, then?"

Ernest: "Richer. Do you remember what I said after the judge last closed out the day of court?"

Madison: "No, I don't, Richer. What are you talking about?"

Ernest: "Ha ha ha! You 'n' me... We're gonna get along splendidly throughout this appeal."

[Madison smiles, grabs her handbag, and returns to her home studio to remove her pants as soon as possible. Her reasons are professional, but that doesn't detract from the sensibility. Sadly, most falsely believe that the propriety of women wearing dresses and skirts is chauvinistic in origin, yet it is, in fact, rooted in sound hygiene since pants and undergarments provide a conduit for bacteria and fungi. Typically, perspiration and gravity serve to inhibit further encroachment. Blame it on manufacturers of pants seeking to double their sales, and lingerie marketing psy-op conspiracies.]

*****************************
"Ernest Self-Reports To Jail"
*****************************

[On the afternoon of April 6th, the day following the trial, Ernest receives an urgent telegram, informing him of the date upon which he must report to jail for a sentence of 10 days: April 7th. Ernest already knows of the twitchy addicts with whom he'll be spending his time, but what he's dreading is 2 days with Judge Stevens. Ernest calls the jail and acquires the phone number of the honor farm.]

ACDC Rep: "Alcott County Development Corps... How may I help you?"

Ernest: "Hello. Is this the honor farm?"

ACDC: "Yes, it is. To whom am I speaking?"

Ernest: "This is Ernest Kittenish. I'm scheduled to report to jail tomorrow at 8AM, but, due to so much overcrowding, I'm wondering if it would be acceptable to report directly to the honor farm?"

ACDC: "That could be arranged. Is there anything else with which I might assist you?"

Ernest: "I have an issue with my lower back that doesn't permit extended periods of squatting or kneeling, and a note from a physician to substantiate it, so I'm wondering if you have any modified duties available."

ACDC: "What is your line of work, Mr. Kittenish?"

Ernest: "I'm a criminal defense attorney."

ACDC: [Disappointed] "Oh. I see. Do you possess any other skills?"

Ernest: "I'm an amateur golfer and pool player."

ACDC: [Thrilled, but bluffing with a sedated tone] "That may serve you well. We have a few staff members here who enjoy playing for... eh hem... fun."

Ernest: "I see. Do you have lodging available at the honor farm, or would it be preferable for me to wear an ankle monitor and stay at a hotel?"

ACDC: "The hotel seems like a much better choice for you, in light of your infirmity. We don't have the most supportive, orthopedically sound mattresses on site."

Ernest: "So, basically, I'm going to be gambling by day and spending my nights at a 5 star hotel?"

ACDC: "1, 2, 3, 4, or 5... That's all up to you, and would be at your own expense, but I said nothing of... eh hem... gambling. I said 'fun'." You heard 'fun', correct?"

Ernest: "Yes. Fun. Of course. Are you acquainted with Justice Wilfred Stevens, by the way?"

ACDC: "Stevens? Oh, my! Nobody here likes that guy. If you're bad enough at pool and golf... as far as he's concerned... you're picking fruit at a different orchard."

Ernest: "How did you know about Stevens sending himself to jail?"

ACDC: "Marsha Briggs reported it on WORM's evening news last night."

Ernest: "Ha ha ha! Did she have the footage of my client's behind?"

ACDC: "She sure did. Fortunately, that's not your client's primary source of income."

Ernest: "I guess Marsha swapped out the memory card. Stevens must not have bothered to check for pictures or videos. He's a bit of a dinosaur."

ACDC: "Well, he's no country bumpkin, either. He does tend to stay at fancy hotels when he sends himself to jail, so I'd be careful about which one you choose."

Ernest: "Are you at liberty to tell me where he typically stays?"

ACDC: "Pfft! You're hysterical."

Ernest: "I'll take that as a 'No.'?"

ACDC: "Affirmative."

Ernest: "So... What happens if I'm a pool shark and well under par at golf?"

ACDC: "You didn't hear it from me, but I recommend as many off days as there are days in your sentence."

Ernest: "In other words, throw all the games? Don't your colleagues appreciate a competitive match?"

ACDC: "Come on! They're civil servants. They appreciate lavish vacations and luxurious home applicances that their meager salaries don't afford them."

Ernest: "Are you aware that thie conversation is recorded by law?"

ACDC: "Of course. And are you aware that the law doesn't mean diddly, and that we're offering you days of friendly wagers and nights at the hotel of your choice, in lieu of confinement in jail?"

Ernest: "That's a fair point. I'll see you at 8AM tomorrow."

ACDC: "Aaaah... No. We don't get up that early here. Come at noon, stick to the plan, and we'll mark you down for 8AM. The judge won't be any the wiser. Deal?"

Ernest: "Deal! I'll be there at noon."

ACDC: "You're joking, right? Don't you eat lunch?! If you get here any earlier than 2, you'll be sitting around waiting for us to recover from our hangovers. Got it?"

Ernest: "Got it. See you at 2PM."

[Having no means of verification for Judge Stevens, should he decide to report to the honor farm at 2PM, Ernest sees no other option but to drive over to the jail by 8AM to determine his fate. He arrives at 7:45 and presses the signal button in the reception area to summon a clerk.]

Clerk: "Good morning. How may I help you?"

Ernest: "Hi. I'm Ernest Kittenish, reporting to jail. The honor farm didn't want me arriving until 2PM, however."

Clerk: "That's fine. You may report directly to them."

Ernest: "I'm afraid that it ISN'T fine. Judge Wilfred Stevens learned that I spent less than an hour here during my previous 2 day term."

Clerk: "How did you swing that?"

Ernest: "The judge didn't include times."

Clerk: "Ha ha ha! Nice."

Ernest: "So... Would I be able to be processed here, so that there's a record of me checking in, then head over to the honor farm?"

Clerk: [Tilts head, pessimistically] "I don't know about that."

Ernest: "But you just told me it would be fine to report to the honor farm at 2PM."

Clerk: "If you check in to jail, though, that's different."

Ernest: "How?"

Clerk: "We can't lock people up and then let them out of their cells to drive somewhere else."

Ernest: "Why do you have to lock me up at all if it's acceptable to report directly to the honor farm?"

Clerk: "Because you're checking into jail, and checking into jail means being locked up."

Ernest: "Could the staff please be alerted to the fact that I checked in at 8AM, in case Judge Stevens worries about me, so that I may go to the honor farm?"

Clerk: "There are protocols in place for distribution of facility-wide Email, and your situation doesn't meet the criteria. Do we need to worry about you?"

Ernest: "If Judge Stevens were to call the facility, to whom would he speak?"

Clerk: "Me, or the relief switchboard operator during the lunch hour."

Ernest: "Would you be able to send a message to the relief staffer?"

Clerk: "I'm afraid not. If I do that favor for you, then I'd have to do favors for everyone."

Ernest: "Do you realize how much trouble I'll be in if Judge Stevens calls here and there's no record of me committing myself?"

Clerk: "It strikes me as a situation of someone possibly worrying about you, but you didn't answer me when I asked if we need to worry about you more immediately."

Ernest: "How often are inmates transported over to the honor farm?"

Clerk: "Once per day, after lunch."

Ernest: "The County doesn't care that the inmates work only 3 hours per day?"

[While the clerk shakes her head, the door opens. Ernest turns around.]

Ernest: "Hello, Judge Stevens. I still have some questions that need answering, so why don't you jump ahead of me to get settled in?"

Judge: "You think I'm looking forward to this, Counselor?"

Ernest: "Well, no... but you don't want to let yourself down, do you? You said it yourself, that you can't make exceptions for yourself, so you really have to stick it to yourself, don't you?"

Judge: "Ugh, huh, huh, huh... Ohhhh... If only you were in my court saying that."

Ernest: "What?"

Judge: "Jail."

Ernest: "Big surprise. How much jail?"

Judge: "I don't have time for this tomfoolery, Counselor. Get out of my way. I have to get myself admitted before 8AM or I'll be quite upset."

Ernest: "But you just said..."

Judge: "Get it together, Counselor! Judge Stevens will be upset if Willy isn't processed ASAP."

Ernest: [Widens eyes] "Willy? To whom am I speaking now?"

Judge: "I'm currently wearing my Wilfred hat. Wilfred both respects Justice Stevens' decrees, but sympathizes with Willy's plight. When I serve time, I'm Willy."

Ernest: [Patronizing tone] "Okay, Wilfred. Tell Judge Stevens that I reported at 8AM. I'm off to the honor farm."

Judge: "Oh, no you don't! I've worked at the honor farm. You're trying to weasel your way out of 6 hours of confinment, and you probably have a doctor's note to get out of manual labor, too, don't you?"

Ernest: "Wilfred? Willy?"

Judge: "No. You're talking to Justice Stevens now."

Ernest: "But you're supposed to be Willy in jail, or, at least, Wilfred at the jail's reception desk."

Judge: "That's true. Off you go. I really don't have any authority at this point, and if the jail agrees to release you to the honor farm, regardless of when they actually start... working... I can't do anything about it."

Ernest: "Are you spending the night here, or at a hotel?"

Judge: "Why would you ask me such a thing? I'm going to jail."

Ernest: "Come on, Wilfred? You know how lax the honor farm is. They know you over there."

Judge: "I don't go there anymore. They don't like me."

Ernest: [Stifles a chuckle] "Hard to imagine why."

[The judge sighs, shakes his head painfully at Ernest, and gets himself processed into jail. Ernest approaches the clerk again.]

Clerk: "Mr. Kittenish? Tell Larry over at the honor farm, "Fifty."

Ernest: "Fifty? Fifty what?"

Clerk: "Just 'Fifty'."

Ernest: "What's that have anything to do with me? Why can't you tell him? Is it code for $50 and you don't want any phone or Email records?"

Clerk: "I didn't say '$50.' How do you know it's not 50 bushels of fruit as a quota for the day?"

Ernest: "Probably because that wouldn't vary by day, and you wouldn't be telling me."

Clerk: "So that's how it's going to be, is it? You can either tell Larry at the honor farm, 'Fifty,' or there are guards here who may learn of a disturbance in the lobby from another employee after I tap a distress code with my fingernails onto the phone receiver. Is it that difficult to say... 'Fifty'?"

Ernest: "That's not really the point. It's the principle of it. Policy allows me to work at the honor farm, yet you apparently are trying to extort me by proxy."

Clerk: "You already know how the honor farm operates, Mr. Kittenish, and that you're not going to be farming. Would you prefer to tell Larry, '100', or as much as '1,000'?"

Ernest: "No. I'll say '50'."

Clerk: "And be sure to tell Frank that I said..."

Ernest: "50?"

Clerk: "No! 'Hi'! How rude?!"

Ernest: "Very well. So that's Larry, '50', and Frank, 'Hi.' What if Larry wonders whether or not you said, 'Hi'? Should I tell him you said it?"

Clerk: "I'm afraid that's none of your business."

Ernest: "You and Larry used to date, didn't you?"

Clerk: "I'm afraid, and now also angry, that's none of your business."

Ernest: "Anything else?"

Clerk: "Since you asked, go over to that vending machine and get me one of those 2 packs of giant chocolate chip cookies, and an Eskimo pie from the freezer unit."

Ernest: "Fine."

[Ernest laughs to himself on the way over to the machines, having received confirmation via comfort food that the clerk had her heart broken by Larry.]

Ernest: [Handing the clerk the cookies and ice cream sandwich] "Enjoy! What's your name, by the way?"

Clerk: [Awestruck] "Of all the nerve?! Why are you asking for my name?!"

Ernest: "You're not the only clerk who works the reception desk. I already know that there's a lunch hour relief switchboard operator, and there's surely an evening and graveyard clerk for intake."

Clerk: "I'm the only receptionist during regular business hours, and the staff at the honor farm have no ties to the lunch time relief, so you know what to tell them."

Ernest: "That you haven't recovered from your relationship with Larry?"

Clerk: [Scowling] "What's your line of work, Mr. Kittenish?"

Ernest: "I'm an attorney."

Clerk: "Figures. How about you don't tell Larry anything, not even '50'?"

Ernest: "Sounds good to me. Do you have my $4 for the cookies and ice cream sandwich?"

Clerk: "Don't push it, Counselor."

Ernest: "Wait a second. Do Frank and Larry carpool?"

Clerk: "I dunno. Maybe."

Ernest: "Do you see the potential problem?"

Clerk: "No."

Ernest: "If they arrive simultaneously, and I tell Frank that you said, 'Hi', Larry might wonder whether you thought of him, too."

Clerk: "Then tell Frank that I said, 'Hi', once they're separated."

Ernest: "Are they friends in addition to being co-workers?"

Clerk: "Yes."

Ernest: "Would you like me to tell Larry that you didn't say, 'Hi'?"

Clerk: "THAT WOULD BE WORSE!"

Ernest: "Should I say nothing on your behalf, to Frank as well?"

Clerk: "How would he even know that you met me?"

Ernest: "Fifty-four."

Clerk: "WHAT?!"

Ernest: "Just fifty-four."

[The clerk harrumphs, rolls her eyes, reaches into her purse, and hands Ernest 3 $20 bills.]

Clerk: "Do you have change?"

Ernest: [Chuckling] "When you told me to buy snacks for you, you hired me. I earn $500 per hour, which works out to 14 cents per second. How 'bout we call it even?"

[The clerk picks up her phone, begins tapping on the receiver, then smiles and sets it back down on the cradle.]

Ernest: "Did you hear me?"

Clerk: "Oh, yes, I heard you, but the surveillance equipment didn't, because this lobby only records video... for OUR protection. As far as the camera is concerned, you robbed me. The guards are on their way."

[Ernest runs out of the lobby, gets in his luxury sedan, and speeds out of the facility parking lot.]

[About 5 minutes later, Madison receives a phone call.]

Madison: "Hello?"

Ernest: [Breathing heavily]

Madison: "Ewwwwww! [Click... Block]

[About 10 minutes later, after Ernest manages to locate one of the last few remaining pay phones in town, realizing that he's no longer able to contact Madison from the coffee shop, he calls again, but the reception is poor with frequent static.]

Madison: "Hello?"

Ernest: "Madison?"

Madison: "Yes? Who is this?"

Ernest: "It's Ernest, your attorney. How would you like to make a thousand dollars over the next 2 days?"

Madison: "Ewwwwww! Not with YOU!"

Ernest: "Will you hear me out? I need to rent a condo for lodging."

Madison: "Ewwwwww! Nobody rents condoms, and what... IN THE HELL... is LODGING?!"

Ernest: "I..."

Madison: [Interrupting, furious] "Haven't I already told you TWICE that you're not going to get anywhere with me?!"

Ernest: "Madison, please? It's nothing like that. I suspect that the clerk at the jail played a prank on me, so I need a place to hide out for a couple days before I check on a warrant for my arrest."

Madison: "Ewwwwww! NO WAY are you staying with me!"

Ernest: "No, Madison... I just need you to rent a condo for me for a couple of days. If it's under my name, the police would find me."

Madison: [Relieved to the point of thrill] "Oh! Now we're talking. Swing by my place with the cash, dude."

Ernest: "It's not that simple, Madison. If I were to withdraw the cash to pay you, it's all traceable. Why do you think the bank robbery conviction rates are 98% plus?"

Madison: "So when do I get paid?"

Ernest: "Here's what I'll do. I'll waive the court time and case prep, give you a 50% discount on the cost of the appeal, AND pay you $1,000 plus the rental fee once I clear my name."

Madison: "Why did you call me and not one of your lawyer buddies?"

Ernest: "There's no honor among thieves, Ms. Holloway. Every last one of them would turn me over to a bounty hunter if the price was right. You're the most honest person I know."

Madison: "Aw... how sweet! I'll take $5,000 for the 2 days, plus expenses and the reduced legal fees."

Ernest: [Sighing] "$2,000."

Madison: "$3,500."

Ernest: "Deal."

Ernest: "I'm on my way to the bowling alley to practice for jail. I'll call you when I get there, and learn the number of their courtesy phone, so that you can let me know once you have the key to the condo."

Madison: "What?! Practicing bowling for jail?! I don't know what that means, but if I ever get arrested again, I'm definitely calling you. With that said, hopefully you could get me sent over to the salon and spa instead. Bowling is gross. Why don't you just stay at a hotel?"

Ernest: "Cameras, Madison. A peer to peer condo rental might have a security system, but it won't be one with facial recognition software linking to The D.O.J. database like at a major corporate chain hotel."

Madison: "Got it, but why don't I just call the bowling alley's main line and ask for their courtesy phone number so that I don't have to talk to you again until I get the key? The shoe sprayer / lane programmer / cashier will be able to page you, I'm sure. You're being wordsy again, and I have shaking that needs doing on camera."

Ernest: "At least it sounds like your impression of bowling is based upon real world experience at a seedy alley. Wordsy? Never mind."

Madison: "I never do when it means someone's going to stop telling me things I don't care about."

[Madison hangs up. Ernest giggles at his underestimation of her resourcefulness and heads over to the law office to retrieve his petty cash, en route to the bowling alley.

After retrieving a few thousand dollars in petty cash from the office for stake, and driving to the bowling alley to practice for a couple of hours, Ernest walks to the bar for lunch and a mug of beer.]

Ernest: "How are your fish 'n' chips here?"

Bartender: "Best in town."

Ernest: "Do any of the other diners serve them?"

Bartender: "No."

Ernest: "I'll try them, and get me a mug of your beer on tap, too, please?"

Bartender: "Will do."

Ernest: "One other thing... Could you change the channel to the golf tournament?"

Bartender: "Won't do."

Ernest: "I'm sorry? No one else is at the bar, and you're too busy to watch anything."

Bartender: "That's true, but, it's all about enticement. Most people like baseball this time of year."

Ernest: "Let me guess... Your favorite movie is "Field of Dreams"? If you switch the channel to the baseball game, they will come?"

Bartender: "You know me too well, and you're freakin' me out. Anything else before I inform the kitchen of your order?"

Ernest: "Have you ever seen a couple guys in here from the honor farm: Larry and Frank?"

Bartender: "Oh, yeah. They're regulars."

Ernest: "How well do they bowl?"

Bartender: "They could be on the pro tour with a year or so of practice."

Ernest: "Really?! Hey, thanks for the information."

Bartender: "What's it to you?"

Ernest: "Uh... I was going to invite them over for a few friendly games around 2:00."

Bartender: "So whadja do?"

Ernest: "I beg your pardon?"

Bartender: "They're here at least once a week with different people. They're hustlers who swindle low risk inmates. You can't gamble here, though."

Ernest: "Why does the manager allow them back so often?"

Bartender: "They exchange funds somewhere else."

Ernest: "So they don't gamble HERE, is what you're saying?"

Bartender: "Exactly."

Ernest: "Why would you expect their tactics to change with me?"

Bartender: "I was trying to get an emotional reaction from you. I'm a woman, as you can see. It's what we do."

Ernest: "Naturally. Do you know if Larry and Frank play any mini golf?"

Bartender: "Do you know anyone beyond their early 20s who regularly plays mini golf, without having kids?"

Ernest: "I take it they don't have kids?"

Bartender: "I don't know. Does it matter? It's not as if adults who take their kids mini golfing are practicing at the course 3 or 4 times per week."

Ernest: "Good point. I appreciate your help, and I'll let you get back to work, now."

Bartender: "Thank you."

Ernest: "Oh, one more thing...?"

Bartender: "No, thank you."

Ernest: "Pardon?"

Bartender: "I thanked you for letting me get back to work, but, in the end, you didn't, so I retracted."

Ernest: [Scratching his forehead, slightly embarrassed] "I see. Understandable. About how long is that going to be on the fish 'n' chips?"

Bartender: "That depends."

Ernest: "On?"

Bartender: "How soon you allow me to talk to the cook. The bar isn't within a polite shouting distance of the kitchen."

Ernest: "What's the cooking time? I need to make a phone call, and I don't know if the paging system reaches this section."

Bartender: "About 10 to 15 minutes."

Ernest: "Thank you."

Bartender: "Mention it."

Ernest: "Isn't the expression, 'Don't mention it'?"

Bartender: "Customarily, yes, but you've wasted several minutes of my time and I expect referrals from you."

Ernest: "I've not tried the food yet. How about a voucher for 30 minutes of free legal advice?"

Bartender: "Oh, so that's what you did. Contempt of court, right? We get attorneys in here all the time with Larry and Frank. I thought you guys all knew how to get yourself out of jail."

Ernest: "Yep. Contempt. You guessed it. If all goes as planned, I'll be golfing and shooting pool for 10 days."

Bartender: "Well, good for you. I'll get that order to the kitchen straight away. I don't need the legal advice. Just tip me the cash equivalent."

Ernest: "Do you realize what I earn per hour?"

Bartender: "I dunno. $75?

Ernest: [Hiding an evil grin with his left hand] Wow! You're good. It's $70, so is $35 acceptable?"

Bartender: "Works for me. By the way, do you have a business card? I have a friend who might need your help."

Ernest: "Fine. $250."

Bartender: "WHAT?! You're going to give me a $250 tip, for fish 'n' chips and a beer?!"

Ernest: "No, I'm pretty sure that it was for the valuable information, but I'd appreciate it if you threw in some free tartar sauce."

Bartender: "The fish comes with tartar sauce."

Ernest: "Well, good for me. All's well that ends well."

[The bartender makes a quick stop to inform the bouncer that she's been promised a $250 tip before talking to the cook.
Ernest steps away to call Madison.]

***********************
Reaction / Commentary on YT Van-Lifer

Bunny, the van-lifer, said, "We're still free" near the end of her legislation revelations, but she obviously doesn't know what liberty / freedom is, theoretically. No one alive today, except perhaps the inhabitants of North Sentinel Island, has ever experienced it. Besides, the momentary imagination, inherently finite, amounts to patterns (options). She was mistaking options for freedom. On a mundane level, being targeted by The State as an outspoken thinker and / or social misfit is not an environment of liberty.

The "experiment in liberty" intended by the framers was to exploit the many cons (As in pros 'n' cons) of a semblance of freedom, much like so many today are duped by the false claims of crony communism being capitalism. I forget whether it was Franklin, Adams, or Jefferson who said it, but seeking security over "liberty" is relevant. The frat boy freaks knew that the masses, eventually packed like sardines, would seek security due to the stresses and perils of overpopulation.

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