Conspiracies & Remainder of "Arnold v Hank" From FB Blog

Link to beginning of series (Continuation below)
https://rumble.com/v6vspax-arnold-v-hank-series-from-my-blog.html

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[Hank finds a note from Peggy on the kitchen counter upon his return from work. She's at Le Magicien d'Fromage: La Maison d'Fondu (Cheese Wiz: Fondu House) with Arnold. 15 minutes later Hank arrives at the restaurant.]

Hank: "What are you doin' here, Peggy?"

Arnold: "Hey, Hank! Pull up a chair."

Hank: "But it's a full house, Mr. Schwarzenegger!"

Arnold: "Hey, waiter?! Get us one of those baby highchairs!"

Hank: "I'm not gonna fit in that, and there's no room for a third plate at this table for 2."

Arnold: "Don't be a baby, Hank! Waiter?! What's the status on that baby highchair?!"

Hank: "Are you tryin' to humiliate me?!"

Arnold: "No. I'm being accommodating."

Peggy: "Yes, he is, Hank. Please lower your voice. You're embarrassing me."

[The waiter arrives with a highchair.]

Waiter: "Bienvenue, monsieur. I shall retrieve some cushions."

Hank: "Maybe I should just leave."

Arnold: "Don't be ridiculous, Hank. Peggy wasn't going to leave a note at all since you were so rude to her on the phone, but I insisted."

Hank: "Are you tryin' to break up our marriage with mind games?"

Arnold: "You're joking, right? Waiter?! Get Hank a party hat to see if that improves his mood. He's cranky."

Hank: "I'll see you back at home, Peggy. Somebody's gotta look after Bobby, anyway."

Peggy: "Bobby is at Connie's house for the evening, Hank."

[The waiter adds cushions to the highchair and secures a yellow, red, and baby blue conical party hat on Hank's head with a rubber band under his chin.]

Hank: "Whadda you think you're doin?!"

Peggy: "Be quiet and take your seat, Hank."

[Hank sits and looks down at Arnold and Peggy, whose heads are 3 feet below his.]

Arnold: [Looking up at Hank] "So, Hank? I hear they cook the fondu here with electricity and not gas. Share how that makes you feel."

[Hank sighs, delivers Peggy a painful stare, reaches his hands up to tug at his hair, and falls backwards. He's fine, but the evening of all diners, exempting Arnold's, is far more ruined than Hank believes his life to be.]

********
2/21

[Arnold stands up to check on Hank, who is lying motionless on the floor, in his party hat, feeling defeated.]

Peggy: [Worried] "Hank?!"

Arnold: "Hank?! Are you all right, buddy?!"

Hank: "Well... First off, you're tryin' to steal my wife, which you admitted at my store, so that doesn't exactly qualify us as buddies. Secondly, unless I'm so severely injured that I'm numb, I think I'm fine. This rubber band is digging into my chin, though. I don't think it's sized for adults."

Arnold: "Let me remove it for you."

[The rubber band tugs at Hank's 5 o'clock shadow.]

Hank: "Ow!"

[A fellow diner who witnessed the fall and heard the cry of pain bursts into action.]

Diner: "Somebody call 9-1-1 for an ambulance! We've got a man down and he's in pain!"

[Hank attempts to defuse the situation.]

Hank: "He just snagged my face with a rubber band!"

Diner: "And the police! This large gentleman is attacking the injured man with a rubber band while he's down! What's this world coming to?!"

Arnold: "Don't you know who I am?!"

Diner: "I'm afraid I don't. Should I?"

Arnold: "I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger!"

Diner: "Tell the dispatcher that it's Arnold Schwarze... somethin' attacking the propane guy with a rubber band!"

Hank: "He didn't attack me, you lunatic! He removed my party hat."

Diner: "What were you doing wearing a hat in a restaurant?! Don't you realize how rude that is?!"

Hank: "The waiter put it on my head at Arnold's request."

Diner: "That's a sanctioned conspiracy, then, isn't it?"

Hank: "I suppose that would be, yes."

Diner: [Waving arms above head, shaking head] "I don't want anything to do with it."

Waiter: "The police and ambulance have already been summoned, and they'll have to take a statement from you, sir, as the primary witness. Jouir!"

Diner: "Zjw...what?!"

Waiter: "Enjoy!"

[Hank stands. Arnold claps him on the back and lets him sit in his chair.]

Arnold: "Hank? Peggy and I would like you to come to our barbecue this Saturday."

Hank: "What?! She's staying with you?!"

Peggy: "Don't be silly, Hank. The babecue is at OUR house."

Hank: "Do I have a hemorrhaging lump on the back of my head the size of an orange, fogging my comprehension abilities, because it still sounds like you moved in with him. Unless I'm being invited to my own house. Am I being invited to my own house?!"

Peggy: "That's not what I meant, Hank. Arnold is treating everyone to a feast, so he decides the guest list."

Hank: "Oh, of course. Why SHOULD I feel welcome at the house I bought with my propane business unless a guest invites me?"

Arnold: "It always comes back to propane, doesn't it, Hank? Do you want him there on Saturday, Peggy? I'll leave it up to you."

Peggy: "I suppose Hank can join us, Arnie."

Hank: "He's got you callin' him Arnie already?! You realize he's tryin' to break us up, don't you?"

Peggy: "Arnie's being a perfect gentleman, Hank. You're being... cranky again."

[Hank stares at the ceiling and exhales in frustration as an alternative to escalating the tension. Arnold chuckles at Peggy's use of his word and replaces Hank's party hat.]

Arnold, Hank, and Peggy leave the restaurant before the police and paramedics arrive. The staff have never dealt with an emergency crime situation before, so no one told the trio that they'd have to remain on scene.

The ambulance departs promptly after Darren Evans, the diner who demanded the 9-1-1 call, indicated a false alarm. However, the officer needs to take a statement from him while he's separated from the staff and fellow patrons.

Darren is outside with Officer Andrews while a fellow officer learns others' experiences of the events. The "Rockford Files" theme plays while Evans and Andrews are shown speaking.]

Officer Andrews: "So let me see if I have this straight. One Mr. Hill, possibly Harold, but a gas man and not a music man, fell from a baby seat after a waiter conspired with Arnold... presumably Schwarzenegger... to place a colorful conical party hat on Mr. Hill's head with a rubber band chin strap that caused a sudden but ultimately minor pain?"

Darren: "That's correct, Officer."

Andrews: "Do you realize how crazy this sounds?"

Darren: [Nervous] "Uh... Check with some other people. Somebody else must've seen Arnold."

Andrews: "I'm aware that he's in town, Mr. Evans, because my department had to ramp up patrols upon his arrival."

Darren: "Then what's the poblem, Officer?"

Andrews: "Conspiracy to commit party hat placement isn't something I've ever heard reported."

Darren: "Unwanted physical contact with malicious intent is misdemeanor battery, though, right?"

Andrews: [Clears throat] "Yes... it is."

Darren: "Should we tell Mr. Hill, because I overheard him saying that Arnold was trying to steal his wife from him."

Andrews: "Eavesdropping is also a misdemeanor, Mr. Evans."

Darren: "What if I dropped by the propane shop and told Mr. Hill about the battery? He already knows that his marriage is in jeopardy, so I wouldn't have to say anything about that."

Andrews: "That's none of my business, Mr. Evans, but it wouldn't be against the law, either. Out of curiosity, though, did Arnold tell the waiter to apply the party hat?"

Darren: "Mmm... No, he didn't."

Andrews: "So it was [Air quotes] "conspiracy" to BRING Mr. Hill a hat?"

Darren: "Apparently so. Does that mean Arnold did nothing wrong, only the waiter?"

Andrews: "Allegedly, yes. I didn't see it happen."

Darren: "That doesn't help Mr. Hill to keep his wife at all!"

Andrews: "May I please go confer with my colleague inside to learn whether or not your incredible story can be corroborated?"

Darren: "Ooh! Wait a second!"

Andrews: [Sighs, rolls eyes] "Yes?"

Darren: "Arnold put the hat back on Mr. Hill after letting him sit in his chair. That's not conspiracy, but his wife said he was being cranky, which may have triggered Arnold."

Andrews: "You're gossiping again, born of eavesdropping."

Darren: "Am I under arrest?!"

Andrews: "No. Nobody cares about eavesdropping unless evidence is illegally obtained that way and shared."

Darren: "I shared with you."

Andrews: "True enough. Not the best course of action unless one is trying to get oneself arrested, but it still doesn't change the fact that I don't care."

Darren: "Good. I'm goin' to the propane shop tomorrow to help save Mr. Hill's marriage."

Andrews: "I don't care about that, either. Are we done? Because I sure am. Are you?"

Darren: "Yes, fine."

Andrews: "So, you can either wait out here for 15+ minutes for me to confirm your story, or you need to call the department if you're planning to leave town tonight."

Darren: "What?!"

Andrews: "A possible false police report and wasting City resources would seem to be the worst violation that might have happened here tonight."

Darren: "What about expecting a 230lb man to fit in a baby highchair?"

Andrews: "That's a civil matter. Are you planning to wait for me or head home?"

Darren: "Which would you prefer?"

Andrews: "I think you know."

[Officer Andrews silently excuses himself and walks into the restaurant to confer with his colleague.]

2/24
[Hank, Peggy, and Arnold are seated at a booth in a nearby ice cream shoppe.]

Hank: "Thank you for the ice cream, Mr. Schwarzenegger, but you didn't have to do this."

Arnold: "But I enjoy spending time with you."

Hank: "You were lookin' at Peggy."

Arnold: "Yes."

Hank: "You're STILL lookin' at Peggy."

[Arnold smiles at Peggy and winks.]

Peggy: "Stop it, Hank! You're ruining what would otherwise have been a perfect day in the company of one of our town's honored guests!"

Hank: "You don't say?"

Arnold: "She did say. Don't you listen to Peggy? I always listen to her. She deserves a man who listens."

Hank: "No comment."

Peggy: "What's that supposed to mean, Hank?"

Hank: "I was tryin' to be non-confrontational."

Arnold: "Forgive me for interrupting, Peggy, but Hank saying THAT means he had confrontation on his mind."

Peggy: "That's true, Arnie."

Hank: "Shall I drive myself home and let you two lovebirds head back to the rental house?"

Peggy: "Now you're being insulting, Hank!"

Hank: "Here are the keys to the car, Peggy. I need to take a walk and clear my head. Thanks again for the ice cream, Mr. Schwarzenegger."

Arnold: "My pleasure."

[Hank exits.]

Arnold: "Is he always like this?"

Peggy: "I didn't think he was the jealous type, but, now that I stop and think about it, he's never been tested over the course of our marriage."

Arnold: "Really? A beautiful lady like you?"

Peggy: [Blushing] "Oh, Arnie..."

*********
2/25
[Darren Evans chose to wait for Officer Andrews outside the restaurant. Hank passes by on his walk home.]

Darren: [Surprised] "Mr. Hill?!"

Hank: "Yes?"

Darren: "Don't you recognize me, Mr. Hill? I'm the one who told somebody to call 9-1-1."

Hank: "Oh. Right. I wasn't in a position to see your face after I fell, and was preoccupied once I got up."

Darren: "Did you know that that was battery when the waiter and Arnold put that party hat on your head?"

Hank: "No. It is?"

Darren: "It sure is. Officer Andrews confirmed it."

Hank: "Did he put out an APB on Mr. Schwarzenegger?"

Darren: "Ha, ha, ha! No. It's only misdemeanor battery, so you have to press charges when it comes to simple, unwanted physical contact."

Hank: "Hmm... I might be able to save my marriage."

Darren: "That's what I was thinking."

Hank: "Then, again, Peggy might believe I'm being petty and jealous. It's not like he meant to hurt me, or anything, when he took the hat off."

Darren: "But he DID put it back on, knowing that the rubber band might cause you more pain."

Hank: "That's true."

Darren: "You should sue him for public humiliation."

Hank: "I'm not the litigious type, but..."

Darren: "I know an attorney in New York who recently got licensed to practice law in Texas. He's aggressive and highly sought after."

Hank: "What's his name?"

Darren: "Give me a second, and I'll grab his contact information from the web."

******
2/25 (2)
[Arnold and Peggy, having finished their ice cream, say goodnight in the parking lot adjacent to the driver's side of Hank's car. Arnold leans toward Peggy.]

Peggy: "Arnold?!"

Arnold: "I'm not Arnie all of a sudden? I was going to give you a polite peck of gratitude, on the cheek, to properly conclude this predominantly lovely day."

Peggy: "You say that now, but... Oh, I suppose it's okay."

[Arnold seizes the opportunity for a short and / or long con.]

Arnold: [Somber on the outside] "No. That's all right. The moment has passed. I'll see you at the barbecue this Saturday, Peggy?"

Peggy: "Yes, of course, Arnie."

Arnold: "Good. Back to Arnie. I'd call you Peg for short, as a term of endearment, but when I think peg, I think square, and you're no square."

Peggy: [Awkward] "Uh... I appreciate that, Arnie. Have a good night."

Arnold: "You, too, Peggy."

[Arnold walks over to his car. Peggy drives away, sees Hank talking with Darren, and offers him a ride home.]

*******
2/26
[Hank shakes Darren's hand, thanks him for the help, and gets in the car.]

Peggy: "Do you wanna talk about what happened tonight, Hank?"

Hank: "Not really, Peggy. I'd just like to go home and get some sleep. We can talk tomorrow after work."

Peggy: "That's fine, Hank. You want some music?"

Hank: "Sure. Just no love songs."

Peggy: "How about easy listening?"

Hank: "Those are mostly love songs, Peggy. It's about 70/30... maybe 80/20, or higher. If they're not talking about love, then it's what they lost, and it ain't usually a pet."

Peggy: "Fine, Hank. Smooth jazz?"

Hank: "No, 'cause that's like sex music."

Peggy: "You're impossible, Hank!"

Hank: "To quell this fire before it really starts to burn, I'll meet you halfway and concede that I can be improbable at times. So can Arnold, after knowing him for less than two hours. If you disagree, let's agree to disagree, huh?"

Peggy: "Very well, Hank. Heavy metal it is."

Hank: "WHAT?!"

Peggy: "I'm kidding with you, Hank."

Hank: [Amused] "Heh heh! Good one, Peggy."

[Peggy smiles at Hank, which he doesn't see due to monitoring for road hazards, which Peggy knows he does with greater vigor while she's driving than when he is.]

*****
2/27
[Hank is shown eating his breakfast the following morning with Bobby. Peggy is getting ready for work.]

Bobby: "Dad?"

Hank: "Yes, Bobby?"

Bobby: "Where'd you 'n' mom go last night?"

Hank: "Uh... We had dinner and dessert with an Arlen County visitor."

Bobby: "Was it Arnold?!"

Hank: [Sighing] "Yes, Bobby... It was."

Bobby: "Can I meet him?!"

Hank: "You'll see him this Saturday afternoon at the barbecue he's hosting."

Bobby: "Here?! Wow! I'm gonna be the most popular kid in school!"

Hank: "Don't be too sure about that, Bobby. Kids have a way of... uh... goin' the other way when they're excluded and only get to hear about somethin' exciting. I'd keep it on the... down-low... I believe they say nowadays. I'm sure Connie and her folks can come, however. Arnold wouldn't snub the next door neighbors. Finish up your breakfast and grab your books. I need to make an important phone call at the store, first thing, before the customers arrive."

Bobby: "Down-low, dad?"

Hank: "Oh, okay. It must be an idiom for older folks."

Bobby: "Idiom, dad?"

Hank: "I'll explain idioms after school, Bobby. As for down-low, I meant to not make a big show of yourself, meetin' Arnold and all."

Bobby: "Okay, dad."

[Hank's car is shown dropping Bobby off at school. Hank honks at Bobby as he pulls away, resulting in reciprocal hand waves after Bobby turns to say goodbye. The scene transitions to the car parking outside the propane shop. Hank enters and grabs the phone receiver from the wall mount behind the register.]

Client Services Rep: "Good morning. This is Randall. How may I assist you?"

Hank: "Hello. I'm Hank Hill and I'm interested in filing a public humiliation suit."

Randall: "May I ask the name of the prospective defendant?"

Hank: "Does it matter?"

Randall: "Yes, Mr. Hill. We assign cases based on the estimated range of the judicial or jury award."

Hank: "So if it was a nobody with a few hundred bucks in his free checking account, you might tell me to have a nice day?"

Randall: "Yes, but that's a best case scenario. Again, please, who might be the defendant?"

Hank: "Arnold Schwarzenegger."

Randall: "Oh! Wonderful! Well, not that you were humiliated, but...uh... I'm sure you understand the source of our motivation. Let me place you on a brief hold to see if the counselor is available."

Hank: "Thank you."

Randall: "My pleasure, Mr. Hill. One moment, please."

[Hank listens to The O'Jays' "For The Love Of Money" hold music for about 2 1/2 minutes, bobbing his head slightly to the beat.]

Randall: "Mr. Hill? Are you still there?"

Hank: "Yes I am, sir."

Randall: "Excellent. Again, I'm Randall, and you're welcome to request me in the future if you have any non-legal concerns. I'm going to transfer you, now, to Counselor Jackie Chiles."

Hank: "Thanks for your help, Randall."

Randall: "Don't mention it."

[Another 2 minutes pass as Randall provides a call summary.]

Jackie: "Good morning, Mr. Hill. Remind me, again, who humiliated you: where... why... and how?"

Hank: "Arnold Schwarzenegger. He..."

Jackie: "THE Arnold Schwarzenegger?"

Hank: "Yes, Mr. Chiles."

Jackie: "Twins?"

Hank: "I beg your pardon?"

Jackie: "Danny DeVito?"

Hank: "I don't understand What's he got to do with my case?"

Jackie: "Total Recall"?

Hank: "Obviously not, Mr. Chiles."

Jackie: "True Lies"?

Hank: "I swear that it's the real Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Chiles, and that's the honest truth, not a... true lie, whatever that may be."

Jackie: "Have you seen ANY of his movies?"

Hank: "I heard about that exterminator one."

Jackie: "Terminator."

Hank: "Oh, right. He, too, corrected me on that when we first met yesterday."

Jackie: "Okay, so now that we've got part 1 of the 4 part question answered, Mr. Hill, I'm obligated to tell you, by law, that the first 15 minutes of this conversation are at no cost to you, but any and all subsequent 15 minute sessions, or portions thereof, will be billed to you at a cost of 300 U.S. dollars. Do you agree to these terms, Mr. Hill?"

Hank: "This sounds like it might take an hour or more. $900 is steep enough."

Jackie: "How strong a case you got? Plenty o' witnesses? Big scene? Defamatory language? Torment? Belittlement? Embarrassment?"

Hank: "I'd say it's a strong case, and I might even be able to file against the restaurant."

Jackie: "Randall didn't tell me 'bout no restaurant. RANDALL?! What restaurant, Mr. Hill?"

Hank: "Fondu House."

Jackie: "Not The Cheese Wiz Fondu House?"

Hank: "Yes, Mr. Chiles. Why is that a concern?"

Jackie: "They're the ones who need to be concerned, Mr. Hill, 'cause they're swimmin' in a pool o' green. Folks love that hot, bubbly cheese."

Hank: "My first customer just entered the store, Mr. Chiles, so should I make an appointment to come and talk to you?"

Jackie: "How about a Monday working lunch? My treat."

Hank: "Is that lawyer humor, Mr. Chiles?"

Jackie: "Oh, you got me, Hank Hill. $1,200 per hour less whatever you select from the menu at a post-tax 'n' gratuity price under $35."

Hank: "Oh, good heavens."

******
3/8
I decided to extend the phone call between Hank and Jackie, delaying what was said of the customer arriving in the prior scene. The series is in the pinned topic.

Hank: "I don't understand, though, Mr. Chiles... Why can't I just pay you less than the $1,200 per hour based on the cost of my lunch?"

Jackie: "How much you know 'bout audits, Mr. Hill? Have you been through an audit? 'Cause I've been through an audit. If you pay separately with a card with your name on it, not mine, that establishes us bein' there, payin' within minutes o' one another. Catch my drift?"

Hank: "Yes, I understand."

Jackie: "Good. What're you up to this Saturday?"

Hank: "Uh... Arnold is hosting the barbecue at my place."

Jackie: "Who is hosting a what?! Where?!"

Hank: "Mr Schwarzenegger wants to treat some Arlen County residents to a barbecue."

Jackie: "And you're goin'?!"

Hank: "Sure, I am. I live there."

Jackie: "You can't go to that barbecue! Not if you expect to have a case!"

Hank: "What's the problem, Mr. Chiles?"

Jackie: "If you got punched by a fella, would you say, "Hey, let's party!" then call the cops?"

Hank: "No."

Jackie: "Then why you gettin' humiliated, chowin' down on barbecue with the bully, then takin' 'im to court?!"

Hank: "I hadn't thought of it like that, Mr. Chiles."

Jackie: "That's why they pay me the big bucks, Hank Hill."

Hank: "So what should I do on Saturday?"

Jackie: "Use my beach house in Destin."

Hank: "Really?"

Jackie: [Smiles] "Half price."

Hank: "What's full price?"

Jackie: "Peak time."

Hank: "So half price is the current full price?"

Jackie: "Yes, sir. Interested?"

Hank: "I'm familiar with Destin, so I'm sure it's out of my range."

Jackie: "Well, at least we'll still have a case. You got a family?"

Hank: "Yes, I do."

Jackie: "They can't go to that barbecue, either, unless you want them treated as hostile witnesses."

Hank: "So Arnold might be hosting a barbecue at my house while no residents are there? I already promised my son that he'd meet him, and Arnold is probably only hosting 'cause of Peggy."

Jackie: "Peggy?"

Hank: "My wife. He's pursuing her."

Jackie: [Abrupt] "Mmm hmm, mmm hmm, mmm hmm. This might be a bigger case than I thought. Humiliation, infiltration, deprivation."

********
3/9
Deleted scene

A brainstorm occurred, which would surely amount to a deleted scene for "Arnold vs. Hank". Dale, remembering that Arnold was the fitness advisor for G.H. Dubya... Dubya belonging to Sku|| 'n' Bones, not only has him fearing that Hank is one of The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse, but him, Boomhauer, and Bill, too, since they always seem to be standing around waiting for something. He drives his pickup in loops around Peggy's school, shouting 'end times' propaganda from a megaphone after hearing that all the kids are abuzz about the BBQ at Hank's house.

Hank falsely assumes that Bobby went blabbing, but, it was, of course, due to the serenade sparking questions, followed by Arnold calling and inviting VIPs in the community. Dale gets himself arrested for the noise disturbance, and subsequently committed to a psych hold for 72 hours. I'll play it by ear to determine what works best: Dale's outrageous absence or his presence / obscure questions.

******
3/10
Spoiler ending below for "Arnold vs Hank". I don't want anyone who might be following the script to feel cheated, and I don't know what my health and tenancy status will be in the near future.
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Judge: "Mr. Hill? You initiated this suit on the grounds that your reputation had been damaged. However, an independent audit of your financial records, cross-referenced with receipts and eyewitness accounts, reveals that the incident at Cheese Wiz Fondu House IMPROVED your standing in the community. That was, in no small part, according to the transcripts of these precedings, based on the patrons wanting to develop a closer bond with one held in such high regard by Arnold Schwarzenegger."

"Mr. Schwarzenegger, however, as a direct result of you, Mr. Hill, refusing to attend his barbecue at your house, while also depriving him of quality time with his new-found friend, Ms. Peggy Hill and her son, Bobby, has been damaged both financially AND emotionally among his colleagues who are inclined to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to anyone facing litigation for alleged social injustice. Mr. Schwarzenegger has countersued you for this firvolous use of court time leading to canceled speaking engagements, denial of eligibility for A-List parties, and unrealized future losses from donors to his charities. I'm awarding 5 million dollars to Mr. Schwarzenegger."

[Hank and Peggy gasp. Jackie's eyes widen as he darts his head in various directions out of frustration.]

Defense Attorney: "Your Honor?"

Judge: "Yes, Counselor?"

Defense: "My client would like to say a few words about the judgment at this time, with your approval."

Judge: "I'll grant it. Mr Schwarzenegger?"

[Arnold stands and faces Hank at the desk to his right.]
Arnold: "Mr. Hill? Hank? Buddy? [Hank frowns and squints.] I didn't want it to be like this. I don't want your money. I want a life like yours, with the store and the loving wife. Except, I want to sell charcoal to the hard-working, deserving people of Arlen County. I'd like you to be my manager, Hank, since I'm taking your store in place of the 5 million. One more thing... Peggy? Will you marry me?"

Hank: "How dare you?!"

[Some of the spectators are gasping and shouting. A few are laughing.]

Judge: "Order?! I will have order in this court!"

[Jackie turns to Hank.]

Jackie: "Although I'm one who has suffered MANY pulbic humiliations, today being no exception, this is a scene the likes of which I've never seen."

Arnold: "Hank? Does this mean you're not going to be my best man?"

[Hank is speechless.]

Peggy: "What's the matter with you, Hank?! Arnie already got my permission, privately."

[3 months later, downtown... Hank sits on a street corner as a pedestrian passes.]

Hank: "Propane?"

Pedestrian: "Are you selling propane... or begging for it?"

Hank: "I'd need to have propane or propane accessories to sell them, but I don't. I used to."

Pedestrian: "So you're begging for it. Why don't you get a job at Mega Lo Mart?"

Hank: "They were my competition. My sworn enemy in the battle of small vs mega."

Pedestrian: "So what?"

Hank: "Please take your business else... Sorry, sir. I forgot where and when I was."

Pedestrian: "Why not apply for work at Arnold's shop? He doesn't sell propane."

[Hank's face reddens and shakes as perspiration cascades from his scalp.]

4/9
Here's the beginning of the court case in "Arnold v. Hank". The previous entries of the script are currently 2nd in the pinned topic.

Bailiff: "All rise! The Honorable Spencer Rawlins presiding in the case of Hill v. Schwarzenegger."

Judge: "Please be seated."

[Rawlins looks to Jackie.]

Judge: "Do you have an opening statement, Mr. Chiles?"

Jackie: "Yes, Your Honor."

Judge: "Proceed."

Jackie: "Your Honor? My client, one Mr. Hank Hill, proudly offers this fine community of Arlen County, Texas, a wide assortment of propane and propane accessories."

[Hank beams with pride. Rawlins shrugs: briquette guy.]

Jackie: "Last month, Mr. Hill was humiliated in the company of his wife, Peggy, and numerous diners at The Cheese Wiz Fondu House. He was callously referred to as a cranky baby, forced to wear a flamboyant party hat, which... I might add, was sized for toddlers... not adults. Let me repeat that."

Judge: "Please spare me, Mr. Chiles. My hearing is fine and we're blessed with an exemplary career stenographer. This is not a jury trial, so please tone down the theatrics."

Jackie: "Uh... Your Honor? Are you tellin' Jackie that Jackie can't be Jackie today?"

Judge: "In so many words, yes. Please continue, Mr. Chiles."

Jackie: "Okay, Your Honor, but this is undeserved, unprecedented, and unscrupulous."

Judge: "That's it. You're in contempt, Mr. Chiles. The court will reconvene tomorrow after you serve a night in jail."

Jackie: "Is this a racial thing, Your Honor?"
Rawlins: "I'm black, Mr. Chiles. Would you like two or more nights in jail, or can you state, "No, Your Honor" and be taken into custody peacefully?"

Jackie: "You're black? You don't look black. How can you be black? Also, that's a loaded question, Your Honor. If I say, 'No...'"

[Rawlins fumes at Jackie, but then looks up and diagonally to the left and sighs.]

Judge: "Yes, Mr. Chiles. You're correct. Bailiff? Take him away. 2 nights, and I'm being lenient."

[Rawlins strikes his gavel on the sounding board. Jackie pounds his fist against the desk in front of him a second later, louder than the gavel. A spouse in a domestic dispute being hindered from slamming a door after getting the last word might feel similar to Rawlins at the moment.

4/11
[Two days later...]

Judge Rawlins: "Do you care to continue your opening statement, Mr. Chiles?"

Jackie: "I see no point, Your Honor. Jackie can't dazzle, sparkle, or shine."

Rawlins: [Clears throat] "Let the record show a response of "No" from Counselor Chiles. Ms. Allred? Do you have an opening statement?"

Gloria: "Yes, Your Honor. My client, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger, likes to have fun with people, which sometimes includes a few jokes at their expense, but they're just jokes, not anything rising to the level of defamation or slander: never mind damage to their livelihoods. Mr. Hank Hill, on the other hand... in our presence today, as the plaintiff, of all things, seeks damages from Mr. Schwarzenegger. I shall demonstrate, however, via witness testimony and subpoenaed documents, that it is MR. HILL who caused the damages, estimated to be in excess of 25 million dollars, including retracted donations and networking-based party invitations, speaking fees, and revenue from special appearances at birthday parties for elementary school classrooms in affluent suburbs."

[Hank raises an eyebrow at Jackie. Jackie is flustered and not quite himself today.]

Jackie: [Normal volume] "Kindergarten Cop."

[Rawlins bangs the gavel.]

Rawlins: "Order, Mr. Chiles! Do you have anything further, Ms. Allred?"

Gloria: "No, Your Honor, but if this had been a jury trial, I'd hope you would have found Counselor Chiles in contempt again."

Rawlins: "He is, but having just spent 2 nights in jail, I'm forgiving his interruption for the time being."

Jackie: "Your Honor? Ms. Allred was done."

Rawlins: "You didn't know that until she specified it, Mr. Chiles."

Jackie: "In other words, Your Honor, I was in contempt for potentially having interrupted an inconsequential opening statement, seeing as this is a measly bench trial and you have no care for flair?"

Rawlins: "Good. We understand each other. Call your first witness, Mr. Chiles."

Jackie: "Your Honor? I call Mr. Jeffrey Dexter Boomhauer to the stand."

**************
4/12
[Boomhauer is let into the courtroom by the bailiff.]

Boomhauer: "Dang, man. Hearin'first'n'middlenamelikeitbemommaormy2ndgradeEnglishteacher. Y'allcanjustsayBoomhauer, man."

[Rawlins strikes with the gavel.]

Rawlins: "Mr. Boomhauer? This is your first and final warning. A witness must wait until spoken to, then answer only what is asked. Do you understand... and, more importantly, Ms. [Betsy] Scoffield (Stenographer)... did you understand anything Mr. Boomhauer just said?"

Boomhauer: "Okay, man."

Betsy: "What Mr. Boomhauer said seconds ago, 'Okay, man', was clear enough, Your Honor, but I'll need him to repeat what he said upon entering the courtroom."

Rawlins: "Certainly, Ms. Scoffield, but please read aloud what you documented, for my current benefit, so that we might gauge the likelihood of accuracy, moving forward. And, Mr. Boomhauer? You will refer to me as Your Honor, Sir, Judge, or Justice Rawlins."

Boomhauer: "Yerhonorsirjudge'rjusticerawlinsokay, man."

[Rawlins sighs and rubs his forehead. Betsy is alert to further command.]

Rawlins: "Bailiff? Please escort Mr. Boomhauer from my court, momentarily, while counsel approaches the bench. Mr. Chiles? Ms. Allred? Please approach the bench."

[Jackie and Gloria stand and walk to the judge. Spectators wonder what's so important that they're not allowed to be party to it: protection of Boomhauer's dignity,, but no amount of bureaucratic confidentiality could bear that weight.]

Rawlins: "Mr. Chiles? Can your witness, Mr. Boomhauer, avoid ending a sentence with 'man'?"

Jackie: "I'm not sure, Your Honor. He's only a character witness, not one privy to the incident at Cheese Wiz Fondu House, so my time with him was limited."

Rawlins: "Mr. Hill? Kindly approach the bench."

[Hank stands and approaches.]

Arnold: "Hey? Your Honor? How 'bout me?"

Rawlins: "How 'bout you, Mr. Schwarzenegger?"

Arnold: "Do I get to hear?... Sorry. Your Honor?"

Rawlins: "Very well, Mr. Schwarzenegger."

[Arnold smiles, stands, and walks toward the bench.]

Rawlins: "Mr. Hill? Does Mr. Boomhauer consistently finish his sentences with 'man'?"

Hank: "Yes, Your Honor."

Rawlins: "Can he be stopped?"

Hank: "Not if history is any guide, Your Honor."

Rawlins: "Fine. So, Mr. Schwarzenegger...? Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

Arnold: "I'm not sure if I should answer that, Your Honor."

Rawlins: "Perfect. It DID occur to you being rhetorical AND sarcastic. Counselors and litigants? Take your seats."

[Gloria and Arnold exchange goofy stares and stifle laughter once their backs are turned to Rawlins.]

Rawlins: "Now, Ms. Scoffield? Kindly repeat, aloud, your interpretation of Mr. Boomhauer's utterance, immediately upon entry to my court."

**********
4/16
Rawlins: "Ms. Scoffield? Please read, aloud, what you have of Mr. Boomhauer's statement upon entering the court. If applicable, I want the spectators to get their giggles in check before the bailiff escorts the witness to the stand."

Betsy: "Certainly, Your Honor. I believe Mr. Boomhauer said, "Dang, man..."

Rawlins: "Ms. Scoffield?! Please mind your language!"

Betsy: "But, Your Honor? It's a direct quote, and 'dang' isn't profane."

Rawlins: "PRESUMED to be a direct quote, and I will decide what's profane and what isn't in MY courtroom, Ms. Scoffield, if you don't mind."

Betsy: [Nods nervously] "Question, Your Honor?"

Rawlins: "Certainly."

Betsy: "What if a witness says 'Gosh darn it!' or 'Dag gom it!' and I'm asked to repeat it?"

Rawlins: "Absolutely not, and I'll thank you to avoid those phrases in the future."

Betsy: "I don't see the problem, Your Honor."

Rawlins: "Implication, Ms. Scoffield, like the time I was at the grocery store and the mother told her adolescent son to stop saying, "What the...?!" I couldn't have been prouder."

Betsy: "Do you have any children who graduated college, or received prestigious awards in their respective career fields, Your Honor?"

Rawlins: "Your subtle inference being that I COULD be prouder, Ms. Scoffield?"

Besty: "Yes, Your Honor."

Rawlins: "Well played. [Wry smile.] Bailiff? Please retrieve Mr. Boomhauer so that we may continue the proceedings."

Bailiff: "Yes, Your Honor."

[Boomhauer has returned home.]

Bailiff: "Mr. Boomhauer is not in the lobby, Your Honor?"

Rawlins: "Mr. Chiles?"

Jackie: "Yes, Your Honor?"

Rawlins: "Will it adversely impact your case if Mr. Boomhauer isn't your first witness?"

Jackie: "Definitely, Your Honor."

Rawlins: "How so, Mr. Chiles?"

Jackie: "Flow, Your Honor. Build... Crescendo."

Rawlins: "You had me at 'flow', Mr. Chiles."

Jackie: "So, we can recess until Mr. Boomhauer is able to return?"

Rawlins: "No."

Jackie: "But Jackie had you at flow, Your Honor. You said it yourself. Don't be teasin' Jackie!"

Rawlins: "Mind yourself, Mr. Chiles. All I meant was that I didn't need to hear 'build', and certainly not crescendo, to clarify flow."

Jackie: "Oh."

Gloria: "Objection, Your Honor!"

Rawlins: "Yes, Ms. Allred?"

Gloria: "Mr. Chiles didn't address you appropriately as Your Honor, Sir, or [Judge / Justice] Rawlins."

Rawlins: "Sustained. Next time, though, Ms. Allred, I don't need to see your air brackets or forward slash."

Jackie: "Objection, Your Honor!"

Rawlins: [Shocked] "WHAT?!"

Jackie: "The defense has no standing, Your Honor. What folks call you is none o' her business!"

Rawlins: [Sigh] "Sustained."

********
4/18

Rawlins: "Call your next witness, Mr. Chiles."

Jackie: "Your Honor, I call Bill Dauterive to the stand."

[The bailiff opens the double doors, calls out to Bill, and leads him to the witness stand.]

Bailiff: "Raise your right hand, please? Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?"

Bill: "Yep."

Bailiff: "Yep?"

Bill: "Yep."

Bailiff: "Your Honor?"

Rawlins: "It's fine, bailiff. I've already chased off one witness this morning, so let's let convention slide a bit."

Bailiff: "Yes, Your Honor. Be seated, Mr. Dauterive."

Jackie: "Mr. Dauterive? How long have you known Hank Hill?"

Bill: "Since high school."

Jackie: "And how would you best describe Mr. Hill?"

Bill: "Propane guy."

[Spectators laugh a bit.]

Jackie: "That's an undeniable fact, Mr. Dauterive, but let me rephrase. Tell me about his personality... Your impressions of him."

Bill: "We barbecue all the time, stand in his front yard, sip beer, and say 'Yep' a lot."

Jackie: "Allow me to rephrase, again, Mr. Dauterive. What can you tell me about his character?"

Bill: "Character?"

Jackie: "Is he overly sensitive?"

Gloria: "Objection, Your Honor! Leading the witness."

Rawlins: "Sustained."

Jackie: "Is Hank Hill a sensitive man, Mr. Dauterive?"

Bill: "He's a good guy. Nice, too, but he can take some jokes."

Jackie: "Some jokes? Could you elaborate, please?"

Bill: "Well... there was that time when his son, Bobby, met Chris Rock."

Jackie: "Chris Rock? Really?! What happened?"

Bill: "I dunno if I should say, sir."

Rawlins: "It's your duty to answer the question, Mr. Dauterive, unless I sustain an objection."

Bill: "Okay, Your Honor. Uh... Bobby told Chris about Hank's... uh... narrow thing, then Chris was makin' jokes."

Jackie: "Narrow thing? The court requires more information, Mr. Dauterive. Define the thing."

Bill: Uh, okay. It's where the... pee comes out."

[The spectators cackle. Hank buries his face in his hands. Rawlins bangs his gavel 3 times.]

Rawlins: "Order?! Ms. Scoffield? Please document 'narrow urethra.'"

Betsy: "Yes, Your Honor."

Hank: "Your Honor?"

Rawlins: "You're out of order, Mr. Hill! Only Mr. Chiles, his witness, and I can speak, unless Ms. Allred has objections. But... this is airing live on Court TV, so... I'll make an exception."

Hank: "Oh, my God!"

Rawlins: "Do you believe that exclamation to be more acceptable to me than the aforementioned proscribed phrases, Mr. Hill?"

Hank: "No, sir. Sorry, sir... uh, Your Honor."

Rawlins: "Fine. Please continue with your question."

Hank: "Uh... Did my medical condition need to be public record, Your Honor?"

Rawlins: "No, Mr. Hill."

Hank: "Then why is it?"

Rawlins: "Your attorney asked the right questions... or wrong questions from your vantage. Regardless, it became germane by virtue of being tabled and now is forever in the public record. I'm sure it may be discussed on the national news... Lampooned on social media... but for now we're returning to the witness testimony. Continue, Mr. Chiles."

Jackie: "Were you at Mr. Schwarzenegger's Saturday barbecue last month, Mr. Dauterive?"

Bill: "Yes, sir."

Jackie: "Do you know why Mr. Hill was not in attendance?"

Bill: "Yep."

Jackie: "Why, Mr. Dauterive?"

Bill: "'Cause Arnold embarrassed him at that, uh... cheese place."

Jackie: "Were you at the cheese place on the evening in question, Mr. Dauterive?"

Bill: "No, sir."

Jackie: "Have you EVER been to the cheese place?"

Bill: "Once, sir, for a co-worker's birthday party."

Jackie: "How would you describe the staff?"

Bill: "French."

Jackie: "Their demeanor...? Character, Mr. Dauterive?"

Bill: "I dunno."

Jackie: "Do you plan to return, Mr. Dauterive?"

Bill: "It's too pricey for me."

Jackie: "So, you don't know about the character of the staff, and you have no intention of returning, so, now we'll never know how you feel about the staff, will we, Mr. Dauterive?"

Bill: "Uh...?"

Gloria: "Objection, Your Honor!"

Rawlins: "Sustained."

Jackie: "No further questions, Your Honor."

Rawlins: "You don't get away that easy, Mr. Chiles. Bill could meet any number of those employees casually in public."

Jackie: "What's your point, Your Honor?"

Rawlins: "Since this is on national television, I figured it would be fun to steal the last word while also defusing your pitiful attempt at drama. This court will recess until 1PM. Everyone enjoy your lunch."

[Rawlins bangs the gavel once, lightly. Jackie returns to his desk.]

Jackie: [Under his breath] "Jackie 'Public Humiliation' Chiles."

[Hank turns to look at Jackie with a wide-eyed stare, followed by a shrug.]

*********
4/21

[The bailiff performs the reconvening court ritual.]

Rawlins: "Ms. Allred? Do you wish to cross examine?"

Gloria: "Yes, Your Honor. Mr. Dauterive? Did anything out of the ordinary happen at Mr. Schwarzenegger's barbecue last month?"

Bill: "Yes, ma'am."
Gloria: "Please explain."

Bill: "Well... Hank, Peggy, and Bobby weren't there, at their own house."

Gloria: "Did Mr. Hill tell you why Peggy and Bobby didn't attend?"

Bill: "Yes, ma'am."

Gloria: "Why?"

Bill: "Hank said it would look bad."

Gloria: "How so?"

Bill: "'Cuz o' the suits."

Gloria: "All they have is rags? No proper
attire?"

Jackie: "Objection, Your Honor! Ms. Allred is attempting to defame my client. 'Suits' refer to current and pending litigation, for which the defense should have sought clarification."

Rawlins: "Sustained."

Gloria: "Do you ever overrule anything, Your Honor?"

Rawlins: "Guess what, Ms. Allred? You're going to jail."

Gloria: "Objection, Your Honor!"

Rawlins: "Overruled! Happy?"

Gloria: "Not particularly, Your Honor. No. How many nights?"

Rawlins: "I don't think you want this on national television, Ms. Allred, but, since court will reconvene on the morning of your release, all viewers will know the length of your stay: 5 nights: 1 for the snarky question and 4 for the senseless objection."

[Arnold raises his hand.]

Rawlins: "Yes, Mr. Schwarzenegger?"

Arnold: "Will I be eligible for reimbursement of my additional nights of accommodations, Your Honor?"

Rawlins: "You'll have to discuss that with counsel, Mr. Schwarzenegger, or you could sue her, but I'd wait until the end of this trial in your shoes."

Arnold: "Thank you, Your Honor."

[Gloria sneers at Arnold. Arnold shrugs, widens his eyes, and opens his mouth as if to ask, "What did I do?!"]

********
4/22

[Ms. Allred is taken into County custody and transported to the jail via unmarked car from the basement garage. Jackie and Hank aren't quite as fortunate on the courthouse steps.]

Reporter #1: "Mr. Chiles?! Mr. Chiles?! How do you feel about falling behind Ms. Allred for days spent in jail?!"

Jackie: "Say what?! Fewer days are GOOD! I ain't losin'! Next question."

Reporter #2: "Mr. Hill?! Mr. Hill?!"

Hank: "We're less than 5 feet apart, and nobody's shoutin' in the background. Why ya gotta say our names twice every time?"

Reporter #2: "If you'd attended the barbecue, Mr. Hill, what might you have worn?"

Hank: "Clothes. Seriously?! Next?"

Reporter #3: "Mr. Hill?! Mister... Oh."

Jackie: "I ain't Jackie O! I'm Jackie Chiles. Y'all jot that down!"

Reporter #3: "Sorry, Mr. Chiles. Mr. Hill? Was there a second barbecue on the grassy knoll?"

Hank: "Wrong part o' Texas, and I suspect that you're a bit obsessive about mid 20th century presidential conspiracies."

[Jackie laughs and pats Hank on the shoulder.]

Hank: "Are they always like this outside the courthouse?"

Jackie: "'Fraid so, Mr. Hill. Their viewers don't care about the cold hard facts, so they know they either gotta get personal or stupid to get people to tune in after work."

Reporter #4: "May I quote you on that, Mr. Chiles?"

Jackie: "Hey?! You're eavesdroppin'!"

R4: "'Fraid not, Mr. Chiles. No expectation of privacy at this venue, on these steps, in public... Literally the public square."

Jackie: "You wanna face me in court, sir?!"

R4: "Fine with me, Mr. Chiles. The network would probably give me an attorney better than you. I might go national."

Jackie: "How dare you?!"

R4: "How dare me, what, Mr. Chiles?"

Jackie: "Hmm. Good question. I've never had to take it this far before. Folks usually be hushin' up by now."

******
4/25

Hank: "Hey? There's Arnold."

Jackie: "Feast your eyes, Mr. Hill."

Hank: "On what, Mr. Chiles?

Jackie: "The dance."

[Hank furrows his left brow. Jackie waves his arm to direct Hank's attention. The reporters dash toward Arnold on the other side of the steps without any deviation from their proximity to one another.]

Hank: "Wow! How are they not trippin' over one another?!"

Jackie: "Those in the biz might claim it to be choreography, but Jackie says 'hive mind'."

[The reporters turn their heads simultaneously in mid dash to glare at Jackie.]

Reporters: [In unison, scowling] "We heard THAT!"

Jackie: [Unphased but stern] "So?!"

[The reporters look down in disappointment, gaze skyward momentarily, shake their heads as if nothing of substance has occurred... all synchronized... and again focus upon Arnold. Shouting at Arnold is heard in the background as the scene returns to Hank and Jackie.]

Hank: "Creepy."

Jackie: "Isn't it? Where you headed, Mr. Hill?"

Hank: "Please. Call me Hank."

Jackie: "Only if you start callin' me Jackie." [Toothy grin.]

Hank: [Tight-lipped smile] "Deal, Jackie. I gotta check in on Dale. He's not been himself ever since the involuntary psych hold."

Jackie: "Caught the conspiracy bug, eh?"

Hank: "No. That's par for the course with Dale."

Jackie: "How's he changed, then?"

Hank: "Well... fearing that he, Bill, Boomhauer, and I might be the four horsemen of the apocalypse must have driven him over some sort of edge."

Jackie: "ARE you the four horsemen of the apocalypse?"

Hank: "You're joking, right?"

Jackie: "I've never seen 'em, so they could be anybody."

Hank: "I suppose you're right, Jackie."

Jackie: "So... you actually believe in that stuff?"

Hank: "Were you pullin' my leg to pry into my belief system, Mr. Chiles?"

Jackie: "Oh! We're off Jackie and back to Mr. Chiles, just like that, are we?! Jackie knows 'surname as pejorative' when he hears it!"

[A deputy approaches Hank and Jackie.]

Deputy: "Is there a problem here, gentlemen?"

Hank: "We were just havin' a little argument, officer."

Jackie: "Little?! He reverted to callin' me Mr. Chiles less than 5 minutes after Jackie insisted he call Jackie Jackie."

Deputy: "Regardless, please take it somewhere else, gentlemen."

Jackie: "But this is THE Public Square."

Deputy: "Do you have a permit to remain here, sir?"

Jackie: "No, and Jackie shouldn't need one!"

Deputy: "But Jackie does."

Jackie: "In THE Public Square?!"

Deputy: "I'm afraid so. If everyone was permitted to stand in The Square indefinitely, no one would be able to move, and perhaps not breathe."

Hank: "The deputy has a point, Jackie."

Jackie: "Why are you back to Jackie all of a sudden, tellin' me, of all things, that I'm losin' a fight?!"

Hank: "I saw no reason to kick you while you're down."

Jackie: "Fair enough. Let's go."

Deputy: "Not so fast, gentlemen. I'm issuing a trespassing warning, so I need to see your IDs."

***********
4/26

Arnold: "Look! Jackie's getting arrested!"

[The reporters and camera crews run toward the deputy's patrol car.]

Jackie: "No, I'm not!"

[The reporters run back to Arnold.]

Arnold: "Of course you are! Back seat, not front."

[Self-explanatory.]

Jackie: "Oh, yeah, tough guy?! Why am I not cuffed, then?!"

[The reporters hold their position, midway between Arnold and Jackie, darting their heads right to left in search of activity.]

Arnold: "You surrendered willingly with no history of violence! Happens all the time!"

Jackie: [At the reporters] "Go back to Arnold! Nothin' to see here, folks! Just gettin' a ride to fetch my ID!"

[Judge Rawlins steps outside to assess the situation.]

Rawlins: "What's going on out here?!"

Arnold: "The media are torn between Jackie 'n' me for a sensational scoop."

Rawlins: "I see. One moment."

[Rawlins returns inside. 30 seconds pass. Michael Jackson's "Thriller" is aired over the courthouse P.A. system.]

Hank: "What the hell?!"

[The media are mimicking the "Thriller" music video choreography to a T. Rawlins returns outside.]

Jackie: "Why'd you do that, Your Honor?!"

Rawlins: "To show you that YOU should be the ones deciding NOT to speak to them, regardless of what their interests SEEM to be."

Hank: "Mind control."

Jackie: "Yep."

Hank: "Yep."

Deputy: "Yep. All 'yeps'... Wonderful. May we go now, please, Mr. Chiles? You're not the only one who believes The Public Square to be some sort of activist lawyer equivalent to Studio 54."

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