"Arnold v Hank" Series From My Blog

[At the propane shop on an otherwise ordinary day...]

Hank: "Hello, sir. How might I help you meet your propane needs this fine afternoon?"

Arnold: "Where's your charcoal?"

Hank: "Did you say, 'Charcoal'?"

Arnold: "Yes. What aisle's it on?"

Hank: "This store doesn't have charcoal, sir."

Arnold: "Why not?"

Hank: "I sell propane and propane accessories."

Arnold: "But I want hickory smoked ribs barbecued with briquettes."

Hank: "Then I suggest you take your business elsewhere."

Arnold: "Where?"

Hank: "Try Mega Lo Mart."

Arnold: "Come on! They won't have any top-notch charcoal. Get me some from the back."

Hank: "The what?"

Arnold: "Storage."

Hank: "Obviously I wouldn't have any charcoal in storage, because I sell onl..."

Arnold: "Yeah, yeah... Propane and propane accessories. Is that all you're about Mister...?"

Hank: "Hank, or Mr. Hill. And you are?"

Arnold: "Arnold... Schwarzenegger."

Hank: "Oh, I thought I recognized you. You were in a pest control movie, weren't you?"

Arnold: "No! I was The Terminator, not an exterminator. So, what else are you into?"

Hank: "What business is that of yours, Mr. Schwarzenegger?"

Arnold: "I'm interested in small town folks, but if that's a problem, I could make some calls."

Hank: "Are you threatening me?"

Arnold: "No, I've got a back-up plan to call other people in town if you're not friendly."

Hank: "Oh, that's a relief, 'cause I keep my 12 gauge at home."

Arnold: "Are YOU threatening ME, now?"

Hank: "No, I was relieved that I WOULDN'T need my shotgun."

Arnold: "You got a family?"

Hank: "Yes."

Arnold: "What means more to you? Propane or family?"

Hank: "Well..."

Arnold: "Really? No quick answer?"

Hank: "You didn't give me enough time to respond, Mr. Schwarzenegger, but I don't appreciate the insinuation that I'm of slow mind."

Arnold: "Sorry. Please continue."

Hank: "My wife, Peggy..."

Arnold: "Is she hot?"

Hank: "What?!"

Arnold: "Is Peggy hot?"

Hank: "I knew who you meant, and I heard you, but I don't approve of the direction you're taking what should otherwise be a professional and / or casual exchange."

Arnold: "She must be hot. Barbecue sells well in these parts. The ladies dig success. May I ask her out?"

Hank: "Heavens no!"

Arnold: "You gonna stop me?"

Hank: "If I could, I would, but, regrettably, I don't see that happening."

Arnold: "Good. May the best man win. How 'bout kids?"

Hank: "You're unbelievable, Mr. Schwarzenegger, but, in any event, that would have to be a mutual decision between you and Peggy."

Arnold: "No! Do you have kids?!"

Hank: "YOU'RE raising your voice at ME in light of all this talk of infidelity?! [Sigh] But, yes... there's Bobby. Now please leave my store and don't come back!"

Arnold: "No one tells me not to do that! I have to. It's in my nature, Hank Hill."

Hank: "But you want charcoal, not propane."

Arnold: "It's a conundrum, yes."

Hank: "You'll be back, then?"

Arnold: "Party pooper. I can't say it anymore. Happy gassing to you and yours."

Hank: "Say... That's a not too shabby motto for my store."

Arnold: "Are you kidding me?! It's superb! I'm telling Peggy."

Hank: "Telling Peggy what?"

Arnold: "Your new motto."

Hank: "Please do, Mr. Schwarzenegger. Peggy loves nothing more than propane chatter."

Arnold: "You're lying!"

Hank: "Be that as it may, you know where to find the exit."

Arnold: "Yes. Would you like to join Peggy and me for dinner?"

Hank: "Oh my God! So many things wrong with that question, not the least of which is my foreknowledge of your intent to cook with something other than propane."

Arnold: "Get a life."

Hank: "I have a life, sir, selling pro..."

Arnold: "Blah, blah, blah... I'm leaving."

[Hank's face turns beet red as Arnold approaches the exit. Once Arnold is gone, Hank calls Peggy at the school to warn her. Peggy retrieves her cell from her purse.]

Peggy: "Hi, Hank."

Hank: "Peggy...? Someone with extraordinary resources may be coming to see you today."

Peggy: [Excited] "Really?! I heard that Mr. Schwarzenegger is in Arlen County this week, but it couldn't be him."

Hank: [Shocked] "How did you know he was here?!"

Peggy: "A few of the kids were talking about it. So, who's coming to see me?"

Hank: "Uh... Perhaps I should let it be a surprise, since it's not certain. He did, however, seem quite determined."

Peggy: "I DO love surprises, Hank. Wouldn't that be wonderful, though, if it WAS Arnold coming to see me?"

Hank: [Stoic] "No."

Peggy: [Offended] "No?!"

Hank: [Assertive] "No. I have it on good authority that he barbecues with charcoal."

Peggy: "Ugh! Goodbye, Hank. I'll see you at home."

[Peggy hangs up.]

Hank: [Worried, sighing] "I sure hope so."