4 months ago

Technically, it's two scenes and the intro to a third.
**********
[Same day, subsequent to the flashback. A few knocks are heard on the front door. Peggy responds.]

Peggy: [Excited, blushing] "Oh! Well hello, there!"

Arnold: [Smiling] "Hi, Peggy. I thought I'd surprise you and take you out for an ice cream."

Peggy: "How thoughtful of you, Arnie!"

[Bobby hears Arnold's voice and runs to the door.]

Bobby: "Hi, Mr. Schwarzenegger! Can I come, too?!"

Peggy: [Disappointed] "Oh, Bobby. Uh... Arnie? Is that okay with you?"

Arnold: "Sure. Come along, Bobby. You missed the barbecue, so let me show you a good time."

[Hank walks from the kitchen toward the front door.]

Arnold: [Nodding] "Hank."

Hank: [Stern] "Uh huh."

Arnold: "Nice to see you, too."

Hank: "So where are you two love birds takin' my son?"

Arnold: "An ice cream shoppe with an extra P and an E at the end, so a fancy one."

Hank: "Well, la dee da! Y'all have fun, I s'pose. Luann?! [Known to be in her bedroom.] You wanna go to a low rent ice cream parlor with one P for what may or may not be real ice cream?"

[Luann approaches the front door.]

Luann: "No, thanks, Hank. I'll just get a salad instead. I don't gotta pee, though."

Hank: [Sighing] "I don't think ice cream parlors sell salads. We'll probably have to make two stops. You wanna have your salad with Peggy, Arnold, and Bobby?"

[Peggy stares menacingly at Luann due to her blondeness, curviness, and loose morals.]

Luann: [Intimidated] "Uh, no, Hank. I'll go with you."

Hank: "Okay. Let's go, then."

Luann: "Why don't we ride together, though, in Arnold's giant SUV?"

Hank: "They're bound for the OTHER side o' town, Luann. Besides that, I don't wanna ride with Mr. Schwarzenegger, for more reasons than I care to address at this particular moment."

Luann: "All I heard was 'Blah, blah, blah', Hank. Let's go get my salad, please?"

[Arnold smiles at Luann.]

Hank: "Fine."

Arnold: "Have fun, Luann, and enjoy your salad."

[Luann smiles.]

Bobby: "Can we go now?!"

Peggy: "May, Bobby."

Bobby: "WHAT?! It's April! I thought we were goin' now!"

Peggy: "Get in the SUV, Bobby, and I'll explain on the way."

[Arnold chuckles. Peggy grimaces. Hank sighs. Luann shrugs. Bobby runs toward the curb and, without consequence, trips over his own left foot on the lawn, rolling a yard or so.

20 minutes later, at the parlor...]

Ice cream clerk: "I'm sorry, Miss, but you can't bring outside food in here."

Luann: "But Hank bought an ice cream. What difference does it make?"

Clerk: "Who's Hank."

Hank: "I'm Hank."

Clerk: "Congratulations. The young lady will have to take her salad outside."

Hank: "Would she be allowed to sit at one of your tables?"

Clerk: "I'm afraid not. While it IS outside, it's for paying customers only."

Hank: "But I'd be the only one at the table, anyway, with the 2nd and 3rd chairs remaining vacant."

Clerk: "In all likelihood, sir, yes, but if there's a sudden surge in business, other patrons would be entitled to those spare seats."

Luann: "It's okay, Hank. I can stand while you eat your cone."

Hank: "If it's okay with you, it's okay with me."

Luann: "You mean you're not gonna walk with me so we can eat and walk together?"

Hank: "You just got through sayin' that you could stand."

Luann: "I COULD, Hank. Didn't Peggy teach you anything about women and their guilt trips?"

Hank: "No. You stand and I'll sit. I'm not walkin' with an ice cream cone. They're messy, and I could spill it on someone: worse, myself."

[Luann shakes her head and begins digging into her plastic salad tray with her plastic fork, which loses a prong on the first stab.]

Luann: "I lost one o' those thingies on my fork, Hank!"

Hank: "Prongs. You can finish your salad with a trident, Luann. Just try to scoop more than stab."

Luann: "Trident? Isn't that like the devil?"

Hank: "If that helps you to finish your salad as quickly as I do my ice cream so that I can get back home and work on my truck's transmission... sure."

[Luann stares blankly at Hank. A beat cop approaches.]

Cop: "Pardon me, Miss. You can't stand on the sidewalk eating a salad."

Luann: "What should I eat, then?"

Cop: "You misunderstand. You can't eat anything on the sidewalk while standing there, blocking pedestrian access."

Luann: "The ice cream guy said it was okay."

Cop: "Naturally, but I'm sure his sole concern was the use of a parlor table."

Hank: "Do you actually cite folks for loitering, officer?"

Cop: "It's not loitering, sir. The salad makes it trespassing."

Hank and Luann: "What?!"

Cop: "Right. Using public property for something other than its intended purpose, or, in the case of private property, being there or remaining without consent, constitutes trespassing."

Luann: "What if I'd been watching Hank eat his cone WITHOUT my salad?"

Cop: "Admitting to that would have also led to a trespassing warning or citation, because sidewalks, in the absence of a permit, can't be used to watch members of the public consume food."

Hank: "Then what WOULD be loitering, officer?"

Cop: "Standing there and doing nothing."

Luann: "Is it even possible to do nothing?"

Cop: "No. It's why we as peace officers have so much fun. May I see some ID, Miss."

Luann: "Oh my God, Hank! I didn't bring my ID!"

[The officer scratches his head.]

Hank: "I can vouch for her, officer. That's Luann and she's been livin' at my house."

Officer: "Luann...?"

[Hank stares up in the air as if hunting for Luann's surname, spilling the remaining scoop of double malted chocolate from his cone onto the crotch of his jeans.]

Luann: "Hank?!"

Officer: "I'm sorry, Miss, but if someone providing proper ID isn't able to verify your full legal name, I can't simply take your word for it. We'll have to go downtown to see if your prints are on file, or call someone who can furnish official documents."

[Luann is taken to the police station, where it's discovered that she has several unpaid parking tickets and outstanding warrants. She's assigned as Gloria's cellmate.]

Loading 3 comments...