"STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES"

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES
Some people are just too stupid to be allowed.

A Florida man, we'll just call him "Bubba", visiting Yellowstone National Park showed us all just how stupid a person can be and still live. You see where I'm going, don't you! Yep, good old Bubba decided he wanted a "selfie" with a 3,000 pound Bull Bison. Oh yah, a fool's errand at best, suicide by 'dumb-ass' at worst.

Imagine if you will; you live in Florida, but want to vacation somewhere else. Florida's beaches not withstanding, you travel across the country to tour one of the natural wonders of the world; Yellowstone National Park. You fly there, rent a car, book a hotel room, and join others as you tour the park.

Everywhere you see American Buffalo wandering the plains, crossing the road, napping in the sunshine, and doing all those things buffalo do. There are Mommy Buffalo, Daddy Buffalo, and even Baby Buffalo. How cute is that? I mean, how dangerous can these fluffy woolly animals be? It's not like they've got anything better to do than bear the stares, taunts, snapshooters, and "Selfie-addicts" who sometimes outnumber the wildlife.

You decide, "Hmmm," and then you get an idea, a real "brain fart". You say to yourself, "Hey, what if I go over to that huge "ton-and-a-half" Buffalo over there and see just how close I can get to it?" You never consider why this animal has huge horns, weighs as much as your car, and there's a reason why he is so accessorized.

Your mind is on the wonderful selfies to be had and the stories you can tell your friends back in the land of cheap orange juice, abundant sunshine, and unlimited cocaine.

So away you go. You park your car on the side of the road, already waaay too close to wildlife. You're a lot closer than the 25 yards park rangers told you to maintain. Yes, you've been told that Buffalo can be ill-tempered, unpredictable, erratic, and even deadly; but they're sooo cute! "Aww," you say to yourself, "how dangerous could this one be? He looks so happy, content, sleepy, and even cute all-hunkered-down on the side of the road just basking in the sunshine."

With cell phone in hand you trippety-trip across the burmed soil that separates the road from the home where the buffalo roam. You're just gonna take a little video and maybe a few snapshots. Yah, a snapshot or two would be nice. Okay, for this you need to get closer, but hey, you're bullet-proof right? You're gonna live to be a hundred. Yah, right! Just go on kidding yourself as you tippy-tow ever closer to that woolly cute buffalo. The thought that stupid people die from terminable stupidity every day escapes that hollow gourd you call a head.

"Not me," you think in the back of that cavernous vacuum you call a skull, "I'll be okay, and I'm smart and young and fast." So you edge closer and closer to this hulking Buffalo Bull Bison. As you get closer, the buffalo turns his head toward you and seems to give you a wink. Yep, a winking buffalo, how cool is that?

Again you say to yourself, "He's so calm, so sweet, and too damned cute to do anything bad. After all, he gave me a wink." You can trust a "winking" Buffalo, right?
Somehow, amid the broken windmills of your mind, you've decided that when a buffalo winks at you he's giving you carte blanch to do whatever you want with him.

Yep, Joe Biden's as sharp as a tack and Democrats love this country.

In an instant, you find yourself stumbling backward, trying to get away from this ton-and-a-half monster that jumped to its feet with all the speed and agility of a jackrabbit. Your mind races as you think, "How can this be?" as you trip and fall on your ass. Then, with the speed of another jackrabbit, you're back on your feet again. But not quick enough.

That 'cute' Buffalo has impaled you with one of his huge and remarkably sharp horns. Yep, he just punched a gaping hole right through your love handle. That hole could just as easily have been through your liver or your spleen but, being a certifiable dumb-ass, you are in a state of grace. You're in shock as you bumble away, blood running through your designer jacket and jeans, and dripping over your cell phone.

This is where God, in his infinite mercy makes himself manifest. Yes, the Lord often protects the incredibly stupid. You're living proof of that. The buffalo doesn't chase after you however, but settles back down on the ground and watches you as you retreat with all the grace of a one-legged chicken.

Sweet Bubba is still alive and relatively well, having sustained a deep puncture wound but nothing life threatening or even worthy of a night in the hospital. He was treated and released at the local ranger station clinic. As a physician I think it's a pretty good bet he'll be on a 10-day regimen of antibiotics and probably get a Tetanus booster shot.

But you know what he can't get? That's a Stupidity Vaccine. Nope, people like Bubba drift through life until God grows bored with constantly saving their marginally worthless lives.

"Momma say stupid is as stupid does."