Dear Scientists: Please Slow Your Roll Before You Wipe Us All Out In A Fiery Armageddon

Posted • May 6, 2025: When last we checked in on The Science™, they were fresh off of diabolically engineering superviruses with gain of function research and getting ready to enact C. Montgomery Burns's plan from The Simpsons to block out the sun in order to fight the 'climate crisis.' Wonderful. I'm sure that's going to work out wonderfully and not result in the skies being scorched like we all lived in The Matrix. But as scary as all of that sounds, it's nothing compared to what researchers got themselves up to this week at Yellowstone National Park. Let's take a look: Yellowstone Makes Earthquakes With 53,000-Pound Vibrator Truck To Study Volcano — Yellowstone is using a 53,000-pound vibrator truck to create custom-made earthquakes to study the supervolcano the park sits on. The goal is to learn more about the massive magma chamber that makes Yellowstone such a dynamic geological wonderland. —— Oh, FFS. Did none of these people listen to Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park? https://c.tenor.com/6IxQzcFGAkMAAAAd/tenor.gif

Needless to say, this new research project of inducing mini-earthquakes above a dormant supervolcano has conjured up a few other not-so-fond remembrances from the world of pop culture and movies. Aw yeah, keep it up fellas, this outta be good! This sounds like the beginning of a really scary movie about climate change starring John Cusack or some other communist douchebag. Maybe leave the super volcano alone? It actually was the plot for a disaster movie already. In the hilariously bad The Core, a top-secret government project called DESTINI (Deep Earth Seismic Trigger INItiative) was revealed to be the reason that the Earth's core stopped spinning. And we don't even have D.J. Qualls on our side to help solve this disaster. https://c.tenor.com/or2ed0IZvY4AAAAd/tenor.gif —— The universal opinion on X was that this was a monumentally BAD idea. —— Do not taunt Happy Fun Supervolcano. —— Stay with me. They are called “Mad Scientists” for a reason.

Uh, I’m not a geologist, but are we sure that poking the slumbering super volcano is a good idea? —— I um…I'm not sure that poking the supervolcano is a smart move. Oh sure, it's all fun and games until the caldera explodes and wipes out the population of many US states while simultaneously causing a global winter that will cause mass starvation for the rest of humanity. —— According to the article from Cowboy State Daily, the project has already been completed (nice of them to tell us after the fact). The geologists determined that the supervolcano was inert and that there have been no adverse aftereffects from sending mini-earthquakes into it. Oh, sure. That's what they always say right before the Pacific Rim-style interdimensional rift opens up and the enormous kaiju monsters start swarming through it. https://c.tenor.com/gun2EOolfhgAAAAd/tenor.gif —— The last time I checked, we didn't have any giant mecha-warrior robots to fight those off. Elon Musk is too busy wasting time trying to get to Mars.

Gain of function…? Blocking out the sun…? Nah… lets simulate earthquakes on top of the Yellowstone supervolcano. At least that'll be quick. —— If Tony Fauci is behind the Yellowstone earthquake research project, we might as well all just say our goodbyes to each other right now. —— *head in hands* Do not Torment Nexxus the supervolcano, please. —— Are you fucking kidding me??? This must be some super-villain's Armageddon plot or something. —— It sounds like something out of the warped mind of Alex Soros, who recently appeared with Huma Abedin in the pages of The New Yorker looking exactly like an effeminate supervillain. —— Geologists to the super volcano. https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/GqNrMNwXoAEg4vp.mp4 —— Yes, let’s piss off the sleeping super volcano. https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/GqJETjzawAAAwYY.mp4 —— Let's face it. SMOD is never going to deliver from space. We might as well bring on the apocalypse from below.

It reminds me of another classic tale about a race of people who didn't know when or how to stop digging a hole toward their own demise. https://c.tenor.com/rWMC24aAPr0AAAAd/tenor.gif —— And no, just to be clear, we don't have a demigod like Gandalf to protect us from that either. So, pretty please, scientists … With sugar on top … For the love of God and all of us here on Earth, please slow down before you destroy us all.

Cowboy State Daily: Yellowstone Makes Earthquakes With 53,000-Pound Vibrator Truck To Study Volcano
https://cowboystatedaily.com/2025/05/04/yellowstone-makes-earthquakes-with-53-000-pound-vibrator-truck-to-study-volcano/
Twitchy: YIKES! New Yorker Photo of Alex Soros and Huma Abedin Sure Sends a Message (Not the One They Wanted)
https://twitchy.com/grateful-calvin/2025/05/06/yikes-new-yorker-photo-of-alex-soros-and-huma-abedin-sends-a-message-not-the-one-they-wanted-n2412380