You Know The Type!

Ladies and gentlemen, gather round and lend me your ears — or at least the ones not bleeding from the sheer volume of verbal flatulence filling the airwaves these days.

You know the type: endlessly talking, passionately rambling, grandly gesturing — all while saying... absolutely nothing. Like watching someone stir an empty teacup and insisting the flavour’s amazing. “Oh yes,” they cry, “this conversation is deep!” No, Derek, it’s not deep — it’s just loud.

It’s as if silence would cause them physical pain. A moment’s pause and their brain, in a panic, screams: “Quick! Say something irrelevant and vaguely profound — maybe mention ancient aliens or your mate Gary’s psychic dog!”

And let’s be honest: it’s not clever. It’s not even confusing. It’s just a car crash of half-baked thoughts and unseasoned opinions. And yet, they go on, convinced the world is breathlessly awaiting their next gem: “You see, words are like, ya know... noodles.” What?

So here’s a humble suggestion: if you’ve got nothing of substance to say, try saying nothing. It’s free. It’s dignified. And best of all, it stops the rest of us from questioning whether humanity deserves ears at all.

Thank you.