Crypto Chaos: Altman’s Orbs, ETH Petro, and the US Economy Unravels | Protocol Pulse

Welcome to this week’s Protocol Pulse, your fearless and occasionally hilarious guide through the crypto rollercoaster and financial fever dreams.

👁 Sam Altman is launching his eyeball-scanning Worldcoin Orbs in six U.S. cities — and teaming up with Visa and *Tinder*. Yes, the future is here, and it’s awkward.

📉 Coinbase drops its Bitcoin Yield Fund (CBYF) — but not for U.S. investors. Why? *Because reasons.*

🔥 Ethereum’s long-awaited Petra upgrade goes live on May 7 at 6:05 AM ET, trying to close the gap with Solana after months of trailing behind. ETH to BTC ratio just hit a 5-year low.

🚀 IOTA’s rebasing May 5 brings 50,000 TPS and staking rewards (definitely *not* a Ponzi — probably).

🍿 May 8: Coinbase earnings drop. Grab your popcorn.

💸 Meanwhile, the U.S. economy just shrank for the first time in 3 years, and stocks are tanking harder than Nixon in a televised debate. But hey, Bitcoin is up 15%!

🐕 Elon Musk is still Tesla’s CEO… because he said so. Dogecoin didn’t flinch. It only follows memes.

😂 Somewhere, someone is checking if $FART coin mooned. (Spoiler: it didn’t. And their girlfriend left.)

🎯 If you're into crypto, chaos, and comedy — this is your must-watch weekly briefing.

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