what it's like being a lefty liberal driven to reactionary beliefs

forgot to mention, my loyalty to classical liberalism is a byproduct of the fact my grandparents were that and way better at raising me with tales of greek heroes and king arthur and samurai and cowboys and beowulf towards success than my parents who were some sort of libertarian/heinlein/reactionary combination who put conan the barbarian and vietnam hippie anti war movies on and barbarella
but I've reconciled with my parents, my father was the negative stereotype of reactionary in child rearing but lefty politically
but I will say he taught me to be tough as nails the right way
I think it's a 3 generations of trauma thing, his father was a world war 2 veteran who'd possibly seen a lot of combat and bloodshed and was an alcoholic
in fact my early allegiance to lefty anarchism was precisely me thinking they were militant but liberal in the classical sense, as strong fighters for genuine liberty
it's only after learning the deeper traditions and culture of christianity and its adherents constantly that I opened up to right wing beliefs, and I studied them when I was against them, and simply put the reactionaries personal codes of conduct and genuine good behaviour consistently and easygoingness towards people who they'd say aren't that good but not being raging lunatics towards them convinced me it's the path to take