TDS’ Lydic on Gold Card Immigration: ‘It Beats the Old Way of Becoming an American Citizen Which Is to Marry Donald Trump’

LYDIC: “But obviously, Trump didn’t bring everybody into the Oval Office just to sell hats. He was there to sell something much more fancy.”

[Clip starts]
Trump: “We’re going to be selling a gold card. You have a green card, this is a gold card. We’re going to be putting a price on that card of about $5 million, and that’s going to give you green card privileges plus.”
[Clip ends]

LYDIC: “Oh, green card privileges plus? I was still getting America with ads!
(Laughter and Applause)
Quick question: If I’m unhappy with America, can I cancel my subscription after seven days?
(Cheering and Applause)
But I am curious, what does this gold card do?”

[Clip starts]
Trump: “It’s going to be a route to citizenship and wealthy people will be coming into our country by buying this card. They’ll be wealthy and they’ll be successful, and they’ll be spending a lot of money.”
[Clip ends]

LYDIC: “Did this guy just put a cover charge on America? It’s $5 million to get in, but he’ll waive it if you bring in three hot girls with you. I mean, I guess it beats the old way of becoming a citizen, which was to marry Donald Trump, but still.
(Cheering and Applause)
I feel like immigrant stories are going to be a lot less inspiring in the future. ‘My grandfather came to this country with nothing but $5 million and the clothes in his custom Louis Vuitton five-piece trunk set.’ Although, I have to admit, I don’t totally hate the idea of buying your way into a country. Hey, Canada. How you doin,’ girl? I’m just going to come out and say it: I want to be in you. And listen, I don’t have $5 million, but I do have... $4, and a cough drop, and this orange hat!
(Cheering and Applause)
Let’s talk ‘aboot’ it.
(Laughter)
Now you might be thinking, wait a second, if the U.S. is just going to put citizenship up for sale, doesn’t that mean any monster can buy one as long as they’re rich? Well, according to Trump, mm-hmm.”

[Clip starts]
Reporter: “Will a Russian oligarch be eligible for a gold card?”
Trump: “Yeah, possibly. Hey, I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people. It’s possible.”
[Clip ends]

(Audience reacts)
LYDIC: “It seems like Trump watched ‘Anora’ and his takeaway from that movie was, ‘We need to do more to help out that rich Russian teenager. He’s so good at sex!’ But if you’re letting Russians come into the country, you gotta be careful, okay? I don’t want to engage in stereotypes, but if you let a Russian in, then there’s going to be a smaller Russian inside of him, and then an even smaller Russian inside of him, and on and on and on! There’s always another!
(Cheering and Applause)
Bottom line, I’m not sure I like the idea of a special card that gives rich people unique access to America. But if we were going in that direction, we have an idea for how to market it.”

[Clip starts]
♪ ♪
NARRATOR: “For centuries, the world’s poor and hungry have flocked to America’s shores, and now, you can jump that line. Introducing the Trump gold card. $5 million. You get citizenship plus exclusive access to Wyoming. Yee-ha. You get to vote twice. And best of all, the Delta Sky lounge. And for $10 million more, you get the Trump platinum card. Better than gold. You get two laws a year. A free continental breakfast. Cottage cheese. Three month of Apple TV+, and a gun. Want more? The Trump black card. [Bleep] that platinum card. You get your face on Mr. Rushmore. Suck it, Lincoln. Your own star on the flag. And even better, the Delta Sky lounge. Off peak hours only. Had enough? [Bleep] you. Because here’s the Trump diamond card. The VIP swim hours in the Gulf of America, dozen eggs, box seats at the Kennedy Center next to Lauren Boebert. The diamond card lets you deport anyone with a gold card. Should’ve paid more. And it works at Dave & Buster’s. And don’t forget, the Delta Sky lounge. Still off peak. The Trump immigration card, made in China.”
[Clip ends]

(Cheering and Applause)