Steve Martin Proclaims He’s SNL’s ‘Newest Diversity Hire,’ Orders ICE Agents to Deport Martin Short Who’s Canadian

ANNOUNCER: “Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin!”
♪ ♪
(Cheering and Applause)
Martin: “Thank you. Good evening. And welcome to the 50th anniversary of ‘Saturday Night Live.’ I’m Steve Martin, ‘Saturday Night Live’s newest diversity hire. And what a thrill it is to be here. When I heard that ‘SNL’ wanted to do an anniversary special, I literally wanted to leap into the air. And the only reason I didn’t is because at the time I was wearing a short skirt with no underwear.
(Laughter)
Now, I can’t believe — I can’t believe I even made it here in time. It was only a few days ago that Lorne told me I was doing the monologue, and I was actually vacationing on a friend’s boat down in the Gulf of Steve Martin. And I finally —
(Laughter)
It took me a while to get here, but I did. Now, ‘Saturday Night Live,’ as you know, turned 50 years old this year, and I turned 79.
(Cheering and Applause)
But I feel like I’m 65, which is also not good. Now, seriously, I do not mind getting older. Do you think these hearing aids make my ass look smaller? I do.
(Laughter)
And I’m still learning about life. Uh, actually, my wife, who’s a very, very smart, wise person, taught me something the other day. She sat me down and she said, ‘Steve, you know, babies don’t get sarcasm.’
(Laughter)
And I realized I’ve been wasting my time going up to strollers on the street and saying, ‘Oh, what a cute baby! Whoa! Geez! Look at this!’
(Laughter)
Now, a fun fact: A person born during the first season of ‘Saturday Night Live’ could today be easily dead of natural causes.
(Laughter)
Now, you’re going to see a lot of familiar things tonight. Musical guests, sketches, cameo appearances, the news. And this is the monologue, traditionally the weakest part of the show.
(Laughter)
Yes, the monologue is like a rent-controlled tenant. It’s not going anywhere, even though it stinks. And there’s so many members of the ‘SNL’ family here tonight. The great Bill Murray is here.
(Cheering and Applause)
We wanted to make sure that Bill would be here tonight, so we didn’t invite him.
(Laughter)
And David Letterman is here.
(Cheering and Applause)
Where is he? Wow. Dave, thanks for leaving the sheep at home.
(Laughter)
And we can’t forget the writers, who have always been the heart and soul of ‘SNL.’ In fact, let’s please have the great writers from the past 50 years stand up and take a bow.
(Cheering and Applause)
(Laughter)
By the way, that tribute to the writers was written by A.I.”
(Laughter)
MULANEY: “Hey, Steve!”
Martin: “Oh, my God! John Mulaney. I didn’t know you were even gonna be here.”
MULANEY: “Oh, you would if you’d ever come to rehearsal. By the way, congratulations on the Emmy win.”
Martin: “Nope.”
MULVANEY: “Emmy nomination?”
Martin: “No.”
MULVANEY: “Grammy win?”
Martin: “No.”
MULVANEY: “Grammy nomination?”
Martin: “No.
MULVANEY: “Golden Globe win?”
Martin: “No.
MULVANEY: “Golden Globe nomination?”
Martin: “There you go! Yes, sir. Thank you.”
(Laughter)
MULVANEY: “You know, we writers really appreciated that tribute, but I believe that the heart and soul of this show is the celebrity hosts, many of whom are in this room tonight. You know, as I look around, I see some of the most difficult people I have ever met in my entire life. Over the course of 50 years, 894 people have hosted ‘Saturday Night Live,’ and it amazes me that only two of them have committed murder.”
(Laughter)
Martin: “Wow. Hm.”
MULVANEY: “Each week — each week, a new celebrity host comes in with their own dynamic, and they throw everything off.”
Martin: “Hm.”
MULVANEY: “But not you, Steve. Because you have no dynamic.”
Martin: “Thank you. Thank you.”
SHORT: “Hi, Steve!”
Martin: “Oh, my God!
(Cheering and Applause)
Ladies and gentlemen, the only Canadian who wasn’t in ‘Schitt’s Creek,’ Martin Short.”
SHORT: “Thank you. But, you know, wait a second, I thought we were hosting together.”
Martin: “Oh. Uh, do you have your passport on you?”
SHORT: “No.”
Martin: “Uh, ICE, get him!”
SHORT: “No! No! I’ll cooperate! Don’t take me! I’ll name names! Mike Myers! Jim Carrey! Catherine O’Hara! Damn you, you white-haired son of a bitch!”
Martin: “You know —
(Cheering and Applause)
Marty and I have been working together so long that we can actually finish each other’s careers.
(Laughter)
Now, I hope that you are enjoying my monologue tonight, but if you aren’t enjoying it... ♪♪ ...maybe you should get up and take a good look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself, ‘What have I become? This can’t be Steve’s fault.’ And ask yourselves, ‘When did I abandon joy? And what can I bring to the monologue as an audience member next time?’ All right. We’ve got a great show tonight.
(Cheering and Applause)
We have a great show. Paul Simon was here. Sabrina Carpenter was here. Bill Murray was here. David Letterman was here. John Mulaney was here. Martin Short. It’s called front-loading. And we’ll be back. Good night. Thank you.”
(Cheering and Applause)