WHAT A COMMANDING OFFICER IN A 'REAL' MASH UNIT WOULD DO WITH THE 4077

HOW A COMMANDER SHOULD HAVE TREATED PEOPLE OF THE MASH 4077 IF IT WAS A 'REAL' MASH UNIT.
Despite their stellar record of saving lives, there are certain staff members to be dealt with.

Let’s start out from the beginning here:

● Corporal Walter ‘Radar’ O’Rielly: As company clerk his performance went beyond the necessary to the stellar more than once. As commander I would have promoted him to Sergeant with meritorious recommendation and appointed him an assistant, probably Corporal Klinger in the beginning. I would have put him up for the Bronze Star on a number of occasions. Also, I would force others such as Majors Houlihan and Burns to treat him with the respect due a non-commissioned officer. The same goes for all officers and subordinates.

● Corporal Maxwell ‘Max’ Klinger: Understanding and working with his quirks, I would have him on a short leash and under the command of Corporal O’Rielly. I would allow his dalliances into the abnormality of his ‘Section 8’ behavior. I’d have ‘Radar’ award him a few 36-hour passes from time to time to keep his spirits up. Along with this would be a distinct understanding that if he deserted I would do everything in my power to see him in Leavenworth Military Prison.

● Major Frank ‘Ferret Face’ Burns: His continued bad behavior and reporting every misadventure to HQ would not be tolerated. I’d let him know that a morals charge could always earn him a dishonorable discharge and I would file the charges myself. As a married man making out with another officer [Major Houlihan] he’d be in a very bad place.

Furthermore, I’d let him know from the beginning that the 1st time he went over my head, violating the chain of command, I’d have him transferred to the farthest battalion aid station I could shoehorn him into.

● Major “Hot Lips” Houlihan: This woman is a slut, plain and simple, and has slept with half the command staff in Korea. Her disloyalty to me as commanding officer would go only as far as the first time she either went over my head for some bullshit reason or if she encouraged her paramour, Frank Burns, to do likewise. She’d find herself working in a battalion aid station as far from Frank Burns as possible.

● Captains Hunnicutt and MacIntyre: As foils for the barbs and idiotic platitudes of Captain Pierce, their behaviour would have to be brought in check. I realize that their more insane antics are always due to Captain Pierce’s influence. I would put these guys in a tent other than that of Pierce in order to minimize Pierce’s influence. They were both good surgeons and valuable assets providing minimal trouble in pursuit of their duties.

● Captain “Hawkeye” Pierce: His juvenile and tiresome behavior wouldn’t go very far with me. His continued poor choices would have him ejected from the army post haste. I would not tolerate his hatred of the military, disrespect of the chain of command or his inappropriate behavior to line officers. No, mercifully, I’d bring him up on charges of behavior unbecoming of an officer.

This is a merciful charge because I wouldn’t want to ruin his life with a felony conviction. No, I’d let him ruin his own reputation in the civilian world. Just returning to civilian life wouldn’t do anything to soften his mental illness. He is a good surgeon but has a grossly inflated sense of greatness. Replacing him with a surgeon of equal quality wouldn’t be nearly as difficult as he thought.

Disobey me once, shame on you. Do it again, shame on me.

There are no others whose behavior or demeanor would warrant any drastic action. The unit could be preserved and operate with its uncommon success with these changes and might just run a little better.

I’m Max, and that’s the way I see it!