Whitney Cummings Roasts 2024: ‘Dems Couldn’t Hold a Primary Because They Were Too Busy Holding a Body Upright’

RUSH TRANSCRIPT:
Shouldn‘t happen at important live events. Whitney Cummings, it is time for you to roast the year. Let‘s hear it.
>> Free to come for me. I just I do believe we need to hold 2024 accountable for its behavior. That is what white women do. Now. We point out other things that are toxic because we don‘t get irony, and that is our truth. This was the year that people were behaving so poorly. We started being wistful about murderers. Remember, this was the year we were like, we‘re the menendez brothers, so bad were we too hard on the menendez brothers? This was the year we could not get enough of murderers. Gypsy rose became our favorite celebrity because murdering your mom is so bright. They had her on a red carpet. Red carpet? A little on the nose for a murderer. But she was like, posing in a fancy dress. We were like, slay. And she was like I did. And of course, our heartthrob of the year was the alleged cold blooded killer named Luigi, who is now in the same prison as diddy, which I‘m very upset about because Luigi already has a lower back issue. This was the year nothing made sense. Fertility was down, sales of baby oil was up, white supremacy groups reached record highs. It got so bad, Ariana Grande became white again. 2024 totally broke our brains. Half the people I know think we‘re in a simulation. I‘m starting to wonder when I go to a website and it asks me if I‘m a robot or not. Half the time I get the quiz wrong. I‘m like, does the shadow of a bike count as a bike? I don‘t know, why am I looking at a grainy photo of a crack house? We just all broke mentally this year. Things got so bleak we started watching the. WNBA. Was that what happened? And we also started watching older women in movies. A quality or insanity? You tell me. Demi Moore was in a movie called the substance, showing that Hollywood‘s ready for a woman in her 50s to star in a movie as long as a hot 28 year old wears a leotard for most of it. Pam Anderson‘s getting oscar buzz for a movie she did wearing no makeup. Guys, it‘s not progress.
>> Documentaries finally realized the only way to make money is to just make them.
>> Dallas cowboys cheerleader doc showed the girls being treated horribly underpaid, crying. I thought I‘d open a video on Hunter Biden‘s laptop. This is the year everyone hated the movie the joker. But if you do love watching men descend into insanity in a couple hours, you get to watch Andy Cohen do the countdown in 2024. Some things left us, some came back. Sanity left us. Somehow. Crypto is back. Do you guys even know what crypto? No one thought the timing of crypto was fishy. As soon as women started making money, they were like money‘s over, money is over. I‘m like, I don‘t even know what crypto is as far as I understand, it‘s just astrology for men. Like I don‘t. 2024 election fried our brains. The Democrats couldn‘t hold a primary because they were too busy holding a body upright. Are we still rolling? Am I off?
>> That the pro-choice party didn‘t give their voters one when it came to the presidential candidate.
>> Hard you‘d think she was patented by Pfizer or Moderna, whichever ones. Oh, god. Andy just gave me a very scary look. No, let me clear. Let me be clear, though. 2024 was not only negative, the media wants us to believe this country is so divided, but we actually came together a lot this year. Like as a nation, we unanimously agreed that we would rather see j.lo in a toxic relationship than in concert. We all agreed the government totally knows what drones are and are telling us the drones are still up there, and we have no idea what‘s behind them. No idea. I mean, they‘re still up in the sky, so I guess we can rule out that they were made by Boeing. The point is, I think we all agree on a lot of things. And since I only have a minute left live on establishment media, why don‘t we just say a bunch of things that we know that they‘ll never cover? Okay. Ready? Go. Trump didn‘t have any silverware in his house. No one thought that was weird. Are we still rolling? Crown prince of Saudi Arabia put money into Disney. So just know there won‘t be any girl characters. The next movie. Are we still rolling? This is wild. Okay. The why of so many chefs died. Weird. Boy scout of America, they renamed itself scouting America. You know who else changed their name? Sean Combs. Just saying. Let‘s learn something in 2025. I can‘t believe you guys are still letting me go. This is amazing. I love CNN. Please stop me, Andy, because I will just keep going.
>> Cummings.
>> Amazing.
>> Cool as a cucumber.
>> You very much for having me.
>>
>>
>> Anderson‘s here.
>> Half the references, so.
>> I‘m not, he doesn‘t.
>> Documentary.
>> Didn‘t see the Dallas cowboys.
>> Cheerleader documentary.
>> Heard about it. I‘ve heard about it.
>> We say goodbye to 2024 and welcome the new year in a moment. A performance from