MONSTERS! 2024 Pop-Tarts Bowl Reaches New Depths With Squid Games, Blasphemy, And Zombie Strawberry

Posted • December 29, 2024: The 2023 college football bowl season brought us a lot of excitement, but we were not prepared for the true barbarity on display in last year's debut of the Pop-Tarts Bowl. Here is our coverage if you missed it, but suffice it to say that the game was the least enthralling aspect of the festivities (Kansas State beat N.C. State 28-19). No, the true draw of the event, to the shame of humanity, was the ritual sacrifice of a Pop-Tart named Strawberry at the end of the game, followed by the players and coaches from the winning team ripping Strawberry to shreds and devouring him like a bunch of South Pacific cannibals eating up Joe Biden's Uncle Bosey. Here is one image from the carnage. no… No… NOOOO! look how they massacred my boy: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/GCfBYM3WoAARQqt?format=jpg&name=large -- And they do this just three days after Christmas, the monsters.

Well, the Pop-Tarts Bowl was back in 2024 and while many fans were looking forward to an offensive shootout between Miami and Iowa State, many others were dreading what the bowl organizers could do to top last year's display of brutality. Hold our frosting, said the game's organizers. First, the festivities opened by having the poor toaster pastries perform a debauched striptease like they were the headline dancers at Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas. https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1873104767255289856/vid/avc1/886x466/BA_LXjBoZrJ_AyNE.mp4 -- What in the the daddy issues did we just see? What, you couldn't afford a stripper pole too? You’re monsters. Oh, you have no idea. They were just getting started with the depravity. Last year, at least Strawberry got to enjoy himself before the game sacrificed him to the toaster pastry gods. This year? The three tarts vying to avoid being toasted alive had to compete against each other for the right to survive, like in the show Squid Game.

Today is the day. The most deserving (and best) Pop-Tart mascot will earn the right to be eaten by a college football team. Our forefathers couldn’t have imagined such a world. The contenders in 2024 were Wild Berry, Cinnamon Roll, and Hot Fudge Sunday. And we are now worse than Lord of the Flies as a society. We yearn for the more innocent time in college football where the talk wasn't about the transfer portal and NIL but rather the feral consumption of a giant pastry like hyenas on a fresh kill: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Gf5gHzyWMAAZqcP?format=jpg&name=4096x4096 -- The organizers even allowed the Pop-Tarts to be molested and almost eaten alive by the Miami mascot, Sebastian the Ibis. The Miami mascot is eating the Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tart alive as it writhes in pain. Sweet merciful crap! Have we no decency left among us, America? Where is Security? Matters truly went off the rails, however, when the bowl game attempted to equate last year's sacrifice, Strawberry, with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

You brought back a zombified, shredded abomination in the eyes of God and you think this makes you the good guys? And why would they bring back Strawberry still mutilated and devoured instead of as a whole and healthy toaster pastry? Even Star Wars let Anakin become a Force Ghost as his youthful self, not in his older, broken body. Eventually, the game came to an end. Miami and Iowa State DID deliver on fan expectations with an exciting offensive shootout. Iowa State won the game in a thriller 42-41. Then it was time for the bowl organizers to pretend that we are all 15th century Aztecs. Cinnamon Roll lost the Shirley Jackson-style lottery and was sunk into the volcano (in this case, a giant toaster) by Iowa State quarterback Rocco Becht. A tradition unlike any other. Pop-Tarts Bowl MVP Rocco Becht has selected Cinnamon Roll for ritual sacrifice. https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1873164569469648896/vid/avc1/886x470/y8uLT9i6x4LiZMIs.mp4

Good God. They actually crowded around and cheered for this cruelty. Even animals don't do this. AND THEY MADE THE OTHER POP-TARTS WATCH! […] We’re not too far from The Running Man public executions are we? Even Stephen King never dreamed up a horror scenario quite this abominable. Maybe it's time for the machines to take over. We have failed. These people need Jesus. And by 'Jesus,' we mean the real Jesus, not a re-animated, grotesquely defaced Strawberry Pop-Tart. The pop tart bowl is just modern version of sacrificing a virgin to usher the coming of spring. Didn't we colonize America centuries ago to STOP this kind of atrocity taking place? Imagine showing this to the ancient Mayans. “We sacrifice a breakfast like cookie instead of a human.” But we anthropomorphized the Pop-Tart to MAKE it human. We may be no better than those Mayans. We are a fallen people. May God have mercy on our souls. OK, in case you haven't figured this out by now, we are mostly having some fun with the Pop-Tarts Bowl because they make college football a lot of fun (still, some parts of this were pretty disturbing). (…)

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https://twitchy.com/grateful-calvin/2024/12/29/pop-tart-bowl-part-ii-blasphemy-and-zombie-strawberry-n2405819