‘Flamethrower wielding robot dog’ now on sale

Finally, your chance to own a robot dog that could destroy an entire town. Nine months ago, ‘Throwflame,’ who sell flamethrowers (duh), announced the invention of the ‘Thermonator,’ as ‘the first-ever flamethrower wielding robot dog,’ which can ‘deliver on-demand fire anywhere!’ And if you have $10,000 burning a hole in your pocket, then you too can now own your very own mechanical Cerberus, with which you can burn more than just pockets – things like your own property or yourself to death.

Amazingly, this fiery dog is being marketed not only to the military industrial complex, but also the public, which has drawn huge amounts of interest. However, it remains to be seen what the average American would need with a weapon of war strapped to the back of a different weapon of war. Nonetheless, Throwflame has insisted on putting in some rather unnecessary additions that place it in the same category as smart toothbrushes and fitness monitors. Yes, it has Bluetooth for some reason, and a laser sight for precision immolation. Throwflame suggests that, should John Q Public choose the Thermonator for their genocidal needs, they may also use it for ‘entertainment,’ clearing snow from your driveway (and also the asphalt), or deliberately starting forest fires (please don't do that).

And for all of you wondering why this madness is allowed, it’s covered by the Second Amendment, baby.

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Freedom over censorship, truth over narrative.
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