Storytelling at a stand-up comedy open mic night

You might get a laugh out of my "robbed by a pig" and "we almost killed a girl in Colombia" stories here. For anyone who is curious, the beer in my hand was non-alcoholic (I'm on day 97 of no-booze) BUT I wasn't quite sober. I was on about 500 milligrams of Phenibut - the cosmonaut's anxiolytic.