1 month ago

150

FALLON: “But it’s fun breaking out the spring wardrobe. In fact, today, former President Trump went through his windbreakers hoping to find $464 million in one of the pockets, like —
(Laughter)
‘There’s a certs, there’s a pencil, there’s a tissue...’
(Laughter)
You guys see this? If Trump doesn’t find a way to pay his $464 million civil fraud verdict by next week, the New York attorney general could start seizing his properties.
(Cheering and Applause)
Yeah, Trump’s pretty desperate for money. He’s this close to starting a GoFraudMe.
(Laughter)
And — this close. He might do it.”
HIGGINS: “Come on.”
FALLON: “Don’t be shocked in a couple of months if you walk by Trump Tower and it’s a 58-story Spirit Halloween. You know what I’m saying?
(Laughter)
This is gonna be a crazy year for Trump. There’s a chance he could lose his properties or go to jail. Or if you play by my rules, you can land on free parking and get Baltic and Mediterranean.
(Laughter)
Yeah, Trump seems pretty worried about coming up with the money. Today, he said he could be forced to hold a fire sale of his properties. At this point, Trump’s running for the White House ’cause he literally needs a house.
(Laughter)
That’s right, Trump’s lawyer said that he’s asked 30 different insurance companies to help him cover the $464 million, but they all said no. And check out how they did it. For instance, when Trump asked nationwide for help, they said...”

[Clip starts]
NATIONWIDE AD JINGLE: “ ♪ Hell no, dude, you’re on your own ♪ “
[Clip ends]

FALLON: “Yeah, that’s — I mean, come on, that’s —
(Applause)
When Trump asked Liberty for help, they said — “

[Clip starts]
LIBERTY MUTUAL AD JINGLE: “ ♪ Bankruptcy! Bankruptcy! Bankruptcy! Bankruptcy! ♪ “
[Clip ends]

FALLON: “And finally — finally, Trump asked Farmers and they said — “

[Clip starts]
FARMERS INSURANCE JINGLE: “♪ We aren’t suckers! Bum ba dum, bum bum (Bleep) no ♪ “
[Clip ends]

FALLON: “There you go. That’s very interesting. I don’t know why — “
(Cheering and Applause)
HIGGINS: “Wow.”
FALLON: “That’s right, Trump can’t secure the $464 million bond in his New York fraud case. And speaking of bonds, it’s being rumored that the role of James Bond is being offered to British actor Aaron Taylor-Johnson. Yeah.
(Audience oohs)
Two bonds in the news today. It’s a little confusing. Here, let me break it down.

♪ Play Bond ♪
♪ Can’t pay bond ♪
♪ Play Bond ♪
♪ Can’t pay bond ♪
♪ Might play ♪
♪ Can’t pay ♪
♪ U.K. ♪
♪ Toupee ♪
♪ Play Bond ♪
♪ Can’t pay bond
♪ Dr. No, Skyfall ♪
♪ Always saying ‘Build the wall’ ♪
♪ Thunderball, GoldenEye ♪
♪ Diet Coke, large fry ♪
♪ Code name 007 ♪
♪ Has to file Chapter 11 ♪
♪ Goldfinger, gold toilet ♪
♪ Might collect unemployment ♪
♪ Casino Royale, playing poker ♪
♪ Casino bankrupt, never broker ♪
♪ Dry martini, likes it shaken ♪
♪ Classified documents in the basement ♪
♪ Spy guy running stunt ♪
♪ Bond, bond, yell ‘It’s a witch hunt’ ♪
♪ Spy guy, spy lie, own the gov ♪
♪ Bond, bond, bond, from Russia with love ♪

(Cheering and Applause)

I hope that helps. Guys, I heard that Trump is expected to hire Paul Manafort, the former campaign manger he pardoned in 2020 for fraud and tax evasion, as a campaign adviser. They hope that hiring someone who has been convicted of fraud will make Trump seem less fraudy by comparison.
(Laughter)
I think it’s actually a good idea. Trump needs an adviser like Paul Manafort to tell him not to hire guys like Paul Manafort.”

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